For people in relationship or single. Talking directly about sex and sexual issues or desires can help.
Why talk about sex, specifically?
Historically there has been couples therapy and there has been sex therapy and professionals from each side were not necessarily trained in the other. It really takes both solid relationship skills and knowledge of sexuality to create holistic healthy relationships.
While sex can’t make a relationship work long term, dissatisfaction and disagreements with sexual issues can be a huge source of conflict in relationships. And sex is such a vulnerable personal issue that when the emotions and hormones related to sex get involved, without solid communication strategies, conversations about sex that go poorly can turn into epic fights. With a healthy sex life where both partners emotional and physical needs are being met most of the time, people can feel more bonded, caring, connected, reinforce and deepen intimacy, enjoy shared pleasure, and even reduce some of the tension and stress of life’s challenges.
The old belief that if you build a healthy relationship you will have a healthy sex life is just not true. Most people experience healthy friendships or healthy intimate relationships that do not have sex. Being good and healthy with physical sexual experiences takes different knowledge and skills than having a good emotional relationship, but having good communication and emotional relationship is definitely required for a good sex life!
There is a paradox in relationships. When sex is good, it is not that big of a focus in relationship, but when sex is bad it can cause major problems and even destroy a relationship without good communication and agreements. Healthy sexuality adds 15-20% to marital vitality and satisfaction, but a dysfunctional non-sexual relationship (with mismatched desire) can be a powerful drain on the relationship playing a 50-75% role in the relationship. Sex doesn’t get better on it’s own. You do need to focus on it if it is not working.
It is important to be aware that intimacy and eroticism are two different things. Good couples therapy will increase intimacy, communication, and closeness. But as we get closer, it can be harder to see our partner as a sexual being. Including sex as part of couples therapy is important to keep both balance. A stable relationship is not necessarily a satisfying relationship. And a satisfying relationship can be quite unstable and turbulent. Good couples therapy should work to balance both.
How I work with Sex in Therapy
Sex is an interpersonal process with psychological, biological, and social factors. We use a holistic model to explore each of these domains then give skills, tools, and/or referrals to other providers for more focused work (especially biological) when necessary.
This work is all about finding your own style of interpersonal relationship and sexual relationship. There are millions of ways to have a healthy sex life, from asexual to very kinky and from monogamous to open/non-monogamous. Our goal will be to help you find the style and agreements that work for you.
Our goal is to help each partner express wishes, restore desire, increase satisfaction, and empower all to find their voice through healthy communication, and shame reduction. Everyone should be able to say yes and mean it, and say no and have it respected.
We start with a comprehensive assessment meeting as a couple, then both individually, then coming back together to share results and growth recommendations. Sessions will consist of a combination of all partners as well as individual sessions as needed. Most commonly, we will work together for at least 3-6 months to restore communication, trust, safety, creativity, connection, and passion.