It’s OK to be Angry

October 28, 2014
anger, anxiety, busy, embodied, feelings, human experience, mindfulness, relaxation, stress

Most of us have a conflicted and misinformed relationship with anger.  On one hand, some people think it anger is bad and do everything

Angry Face

Photo By: Lara Schneider

possible to stay well away from it to never risk feeling that way and when it does slip out, they feel guilty for being angry.  Or for other people it is the go-to emotion.  Anger is the only reaction that is possible and it gets overused with the wrong people at the wrong times.  Obviously, as with most extremes, neither reaction to anger is healthy.

Anger is a natural and helpful emotion that says, “something is happening I am really not okay with” or “something is not happening that I really need.”  Anger is our system’s response that says this is so important, I’m going to do whatever it takes including getting bigger, louder, faster, stronger, and more powerful to make it happen.  Obviously, without this reaction, we can get taken advantage of, resulting in even more hurt.   So it is important to never cut ourselves off from our anger.  But it is also helpful to learn how to be angry in a helpful and productive way to avoid doing damage to those we care about.

Here are a few tips for having productive anger:

1) Slow down.  When we get angry, our nervous system is aroused.  Its the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response.  But we can and need to consciously control this.  Name for yourself (and others) that you notice yourself getting activated.  Take slow deep breaths.  Take a time out.  Go for a walk or run outside.  Avoid acting from our anger.

2) Identify what is happening that is really not OK or what you really need that is not happening in the situation.  See if there is another emotion under the anger. Write down these needs and/or feelings for yourself or share it with a trusted friend.  Eventually, in a calm state, you will want to share this with the source of your anger.

3) Take responsibility.  Do not blame the other person.  Acknowledge the specific actions that led to your anger and own your reactions and emotions.

4) Make a request for things to be different.  Now knowing what you need, you can now find a way to creatively, rationally, and collaboratively get closer to what you are hoping will happen.

Practicing these things help bring us in closer relationship with ourselves and others.  Always acting from anger or avoiding it ultimately cuts us off and distances us from ourselves and others leading to resentment or hurt feelings.  Of course, it’s not easy, but it’s a worthwhile practice.  Good luck!  Let me know how it goes.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Want more?  Check out The Right Way to Get Angry by the Greater Good Science Center at University of California Berkeley.  With bonus video on how to stay calm during a fight in your relationships.

 

True Fear vs Worry

July 25, 2014
anxiety, change, embodied, exercise, experience, experiential, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, stress

Ever since having a rattlesnake swim toward me and my kids a couple of weeks ago, every stick looks like a snake.  Every stick causes a slight pause, a re-evaluation, and worry about getting bit.  But this morning I got to see how unhelpful this really is.

This morning I was running on a familiar trail, after many false snake sightings my brain started to grow tired of it. Then I heard it, the loudest most intense rattle I’ve ever heard. And it’s close.  My body freezes, my eyes search for the sound, my feet shufflerattlesnake to a stop like the Road Runner cartoon character on the edge of a cliff.  A rattlesnake tumbles off the rock next to me dead center on the trail in front of me.  Only 6” from my feet, my body hovered over it still being pulled by my forward momentum.

I hear myself utter a fearful sound I’ve never heard myself make before.  My breathing stops.  All of my attention and focus goes to regaining my balance. I’m feeling real fear, much stronger than all the pointless worry of a few minutes ago. True fear totally consumes my body, giving me an alertness and activation that helps me with this threat.  Yet there is enough focus and stillness inside, to watch what is happening and notice I have not been bit.  The snake too was startled and all of its energy was going into curling up in it’s defensive position, which gave me time to back away.

We both stand our ground and stare at each other.  My heart pounding, I breathe deep and regain my composure. It too is still, not rattling, just watching me.  We both hold our places, no longer in the grips of fear. After a few minutes of watching each other and soaking in what just happened, I thank it for the experience and find an alternate route to continue on my journey.

Curiously, I notice that the rest of my run I’m actually not going on alert with every stick like before the meeting.  The real encounter with an actual danger seems to have increased my ability to discern the real threat from the perceived threat.

My brain thought it was keeping me safe by raising my fear any time it saw a stick, but in fact it wasn’t real fear, and it was only distracting me from what was real.  Having a snake 6” away from my foot triggered the real thing.  And it reminded me that most things that can really hurt us can’t be predicted anyway, we just have to trust ourselves, trust our body, trust our experience, and trust our support to do what needs to be done when action is needed.

As tends to happen on my outings in nature, I realize there are so many ways this experience speaks to the challenges and ways I’m needing to grow right now.  There are so many false fears in my mind about life, social situations, business decisions, my career, relationships, and more.  And I see how they are all distractions.  And the level of fear my worries present me with is so low, compared to a real danger.  But I often perceive them as real, I don’t like feeling them, and I let them limit me.

Well, I used to. Knowing how the brain works, I know this experience created some new pathways in my brain.  Just thinking about these things isn’t enough to change, but this helpful rattlesnake gave me a valuable experience.  It will now be that much easier to see worry for what it is now that my perception has been changed.  And I get to be grateful for yes, even a rattlesnake.

I hope you get out in the world and have your own lessons and life changing experiences.  They happen anywhere, when you are open to your experience, whatever it may be.  Just try not to play with rattlesnakes if you don’t have to. Hopefully you can learn your lessons easier.  🙂

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email[email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

 

Image Used under Creative Commons by David O on Flickr

 

First Day of Kindergarten

August 22, 2013
children, feelings, human, human experience, humanness, kids, mindfulness, personal growth, school, therapy

Starting (Continuing) School – For kids big and small

I just left my son after spending the first hour of his public education experience with him.  I was surprised to feel the immense emotions and tears that came flooding in as soon as I left him.  When I was there, I was the rock.  I was solid, reassuring, gently guiding and encouraging, acquainting him with the room, teacher, and other kids he’ll be spending over 1,000 hours of his life in.  But not a cold heartless, detached rock.  I could feel him deeply – his simultaneous apprehension and strength in being immersed in his new environment.  Hearing all the advice handed down to me from other parents, I started to dismiss everything I felt as “normal” or just part of it, but as soon as I walked away, it hit me.
The teacher is good, kind, professional.  She invited him and the other students to choose their own dot to sit on for whatever was next.  I gave him one last hug and kiss for the day and he went over to join the other kids, but in his own way, at the far edge of the mat.  Looking a little sad, a little scared, then – a little angry?  It shocked me.  I didn’t see it coming.  But again, I dismissed it as “normal,” just part of the experience.
I’m tempted to just ignore it, pick up my smartphone, post only the sweet happy picture, move on with my

day and ignore these feelings.  I could just call this “normal” and move on.  But as I sit with these feelings, not avoiding but feeling fully and exploring with curiosity, they talk to me.

I realize that today marks the first real day of his experience in the “system” – the overburdened under-resourced system in charge of taking care of and educating our kids.  The system that despite the level of skill, training, and care of the teacher, cannot possibly provide the same level of understanding, knowing, and individual connection that a sensitive child needs to feel safe and thrive.
I saw today how much like me my son is, and there are so many parts of me I wish he didn’t have to inherit.  He is strong and capable of doing what is asked of him, but it comes with a cost.  The cost of ignoring his feelings and his truth.  The cost of ignoring and overriding what we really feel to “fit in.”  The cost of separating a little more from our self.
As I dig deeper I feel into the parts of me that have been so wounded in school.  Feeling shy, awkward, not fitting in, afraid to introduce myself to new people, wanting to play and have fun, but being unable to due to all the things I feel.  I feel into the parts of me that know what I want, and feel it is not available there.  As I feel  in deeper I touch the places in me that were made fun of by other kids, the parts of me that felt like I don’t belong, the part of me that was made to feel bad by teachers when I spoke up for myself, and the parts that felt stupid, awkward, nerdy, out of place.  Maybe it was just projection, but it felt as if I could see and feel all of those things in him.  I felt like I had cursed him to relive all of the hard things I experienced in school.
In the moments before I left, we went out to get his water bottle from his back pack.  He said he wasn’t really thirsty, but hungry.  I told him it wasn’t time to eat now, that he would have to wait a bit.  I felt him sink.  It wasn’t the school or the teacher who committed the first act of violence, it was me.  I was the one who took him there and I was the one asking him to ignore his needs to fit in with the system and obey the schedule.
I could go on and on about countless transgressions throughout my school experience that shaped how I show up in the world, but I don’t want to sound like a drama queen.  You may think I’m blowing it out of proportion. (Heck, there is certainly a part of me that does.) Besides, what’s the big deal, I got over it.  I found ways to make friends, develop coping strategies (some healthy, some not), and be successful.  I made it out ok.  Today I’m fine (mostly).  But these experiences matter.  They shape us – and don’t want to ignore these things so often brushed off and not spoken of.
Before I started really looking into myself with the lens of mindfulness, therapy, and personal growth I dismissed these things I felt and told myself they were no big deal and I was being too sensitive, dramatic, or even worse names I won’t repeat here.  Of course I drank a lot from age 16-30+, and was unhappy, but hey, that’s what everyone else does too, right?   But I’m sharing these words because they are my truth. And I’m sharing now, because I didn’t have the awareness, words, or people who would listen then.
I’m feeling tremendous grief.  For all my past hurts, for all the ways I was rejected by others and the ways I rejected myself.  I’m feeling tremendous sadness for introducing my son to the beginning of this system that has the potential to cause him so much suffering.  But my point is not to dwell in the pain and sorrow, but to give words to and acknowledge it, as part of the experience of living in our world today.  But my question is, “Is it necessary?”
So many parents feel mixed emotions on this day, and this is my attempt to name some of them specifically, at least from my experience.  But my wish is not to dwell on the hurts of the past (mine) and the future (my son’s), but to acknowledge they exist and move on with a wish for something different for our children.  I hope to give voice to those children that may look like nothing is wrong on the outside, but have been deeply impacted. And to forgive myself for my role in bringing my child there and dealing the first blow.  I know that no matter how much I have tried to prepare him to do things in a better way than I did, he still has to have his own life and his own experience.  And I hope that I can trust that when things are hard for him.
My wish is that the children, their needs, and their feelings are honored, even and especially if they are inconvenient to the adults.  I hope and pray that they have the support they need to help them through the hard times, and that with the guidance of attuned parents, teachers, neighbors, friends, and family members they are able to have and remember more moments of joy, play, love, curiosity, innocence,  and excitement about life.   That our differences and awkwardness are treasured rather than made fun of.  That our children are able to live lives that are better than we did, and we are the ones that empower and help create this for them.  That children can learn to value and trust themselves, even when it is in opposition to others, especially those in authority.  But not that they are reckless anarchists, rather they learn civility and respect of all people, especially those that are different than them and in opposition to them.   My wish is that our children are given the love and support they need to not have to struggle, but to feel safe, welcome, and empowered to thrive in this world bringing their unique gifts and talents fully to the world.  That they never have to question it, they can just be it.
I don’t know exactly how, but I know it starts with listening to the children, valuing them, valuing their feelings, treating them as equals rather than lower than us.  By helping them rather than punishing them when they are feeling scared, angry, or in any way overwhelmed.  By creating an environment where children can really be known, not just told what to do.  It is harder, it takes more time and resources than we currently give them, and requires a radical paradigm shift, but don’t you think our children are worth it?
On this day, the first day of school, I hope are able to change ourselves and our systems to really (not just in a cheesy mission statement kind of way), but really truly authentically support, empower, and get out of the way, so our children can lead and create a better world, for all of us.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Mindfulness on the Move

May 24, 2013
mindfulness, outdoors, stress reduction

Any time you are walking from car (or better yet – bike) to building or vice-versa, take a break from your mental to-do list. Pause. Take a full and deep breath. Engage your senses. 

What does the ground feel like under your feet?

Photo by Seth Sawyers

What part of your feet hits the ground first? 

How do you feel in your body? What parts are stiff?  What parts feel more relaxed?
What does the air feel like? Is it dry or moist?
What does the sun feel like on your skin?
What do you hear?
What do you smell?
What do you see around you? 

Take at least a short moment each day to connect with the natural world to slow down and ground before rushing off into your day. You have at least four opportunities to practice and reconnect with yourself and the world around you every day!
~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Give Yourself the Gift of a Few Minutes

February 4, 2013
busy, change, meditation, mindfulness, priorities, relaxation, stress, values

This morning, as I was rushing my kids to school and thinking of all the things I have to do this week, I was both excited about it all and starting to feel a little burdened with all the to-do items.  So when I got to my office, I did what any responsible person with an overfull plate would do: I took a few minutes to do nothing!

At first, I thought I would just take a few breaths, but the weight of the week was still creeping in.  So I set my meditation timer for 6 minutes, and just let myself really enjoy the not doing.  Each time a new thought of something to do came in, just reminded myself I don’t have to do that right now, and got back to enjoying the not doing.

Feeling refreshed, grounded, and ready, I hopped up and added to my to-do list by writing this to share it with you!

It really helps to give yourself a short break.  It helps even more to set a timer so your mind doesn’t have to worry about when it is time to get up.  If you are new to doing any sort of focusing or meditation, the simple practice I recommend the most and use myself the most is this:

  1. Find someplace you can sit comfortably without having to move or be disturbed.
  2. Set your timer for 2-5 minutes, or whatever short amount of time you are willing to give to yourself in this moment.
  3. Start the timer.
  4. Pay attention to your breath without trying to change or control it.  Either pay attention to the air moving in and out of your nose or the sensation of your belly rising and falling, whichever is easier.
  5. Anytime you find yourself having the urge to think about something or get up and do something, gently remind yourself you can do it in a few minutes, right now you are just sitting.  
    1. There is no goal.  You don’t win a gold star if you have no thoughts during this time.  You are also not trying to achieve any sort of relaxation.  Just simply give yourself the break of focusing on your breath for a few minutes.
    2. Being gentle with yourself is the most important thing.  
  6. When your timer rings, simply take one more big inhale fully filling your belly and chest and let the breath exhale naturally without effort.

You can use any timer you have handy for this exercise.  If you are in front of a computer or have a smart phone, here are a couple free options that have a nice bell sound.

Any computer: http://www.onlinemeditationtimer.com/
Android

Now you are ready to go about your busyness – without getting overwhelmed by it.  Have a great day!

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Breaking Trail

January 1, 2013
change, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, resolutions
A few weeks ago, I discovered yet another new favorite outdoor activity that shapes my mind and body while keeping me healthy – trail running in the snow. It may sound silly to some of you who have been doing this for years, but for me just trying this new activity took overcoming lots of negative self talk. “It’s too cold.” “You can’t see the trail.” “You’ll trip and fall on a rock you can’t see.” “It’s too slippery – you will sprain your ankle again.” “Your shoes are too old and don’t have the right traction.” “You’ll slip off the trail and plummet down the side of the mountain.” Enough already! While there is truth to many of those statements, after a few days of letting my mind and my fears keep me caged up inside, I told myself, “just try it one step at a time.” If it gets too tough, you can always stop and walk or go back home.
So I set out. Slowly and timidly at first. Climbing up the first big hill, I had more traction than I expected, but my legs and lungs were protesting and I wanted to go sit back on the couch. I kept going, but allowing myself to walk a little on the steepest parts.
Eventually I get to a choice point. I can keep heading up the steep service road or I can take a trail off to the left or another off to the right. I originally thought I would go on the trail to the left, because it is one I have been on less, is a little less steep, and has great views. But nobody has been on it since it snowed and I didn’t think I could find the trail and some of the same excuses as above came rushing back into my mind. The trail to the right I’ve been on dozens of times, and it had some footprints so I assume someone else has been there, I’ll be able to find the trail, and it will be slightly packed down for me. I chose the trail to the right because it seemed safer and I told myself I’d just go a little ways and turn around before the steep parts.
Stepping off the service road, the snow is deeper and more slippery now, but still doable. I’m having fun with the twists and turns and my footing is sure enough. I’m not on the trail more than an eighth of a mile or so when I come upon an older couple who are hiking with trekking poles. We exchange a few words about the beauty of the snowy hills and I pass them, quickly realizing they were the ones breaking trail for me. I make a joke about it, thank them, then quickly realize I’m right back where I started on the unbroken trail that I avoided the first time.
Now my ego kicks in – well, don’t turn around now, you’ll look like a fool and a wuss to that couple. But my mind is also replaying all of my original fears for the third time. So my ego and my fears are wrestling while my higher, calmer, more centered self says, just keep going, one step at a time. You can turn around if you need to later. And I plod on.
I can’t really tell where the trail is, but I keep going choose the best possible places to put my feet. Sometimes I step and sink deeply, sometimes my steps are shallow, sometimes my foot slides out from underneath me activating all the other parts of my body to move quickly and compensate to recover my balance and keep from face planting in the snow. Slightly scary, but fun!
Before I know it, I’ve gone much farther than I planned and I’m at the first steep technical hill. I continue with my mantra, just try it, one step at a time. And my feet find enough traction. They find roots and rocks hidden under the snow providing me with enough support to keep heading up. Those same obstacles I was afraid would trip me up end up helping me. I make it up the hill, lungs screaming, adrenaline pumping, and a smile on my face.
I continue on running the entire trail. Never knowing exactly where the trail is or if I’m on it, but just choosing the best possible next step. Lifting my feet up high and splashing them back down in the fluffy powder. Enjoying the simultaneous excitement and fear of breaking trail, negotiating the unknown with every step.
Eventually I get to the intersection with another trail where I turn to start heading back down the mountain. The same fears come up yet a fourth time – now I’m heading down and surely gravity will cause me to go too fast and slip and fall. But I’m practiced now with appeasing these thoughts. Actually what I find is the deep fluffy powder makes a nice cushion and catches my foot and I am going just about as fast as I do on a dry day. And of course, some sections that are too steep I do have to slow down and walk carefully. But the snow adds greatly to the beauty in addition to the challenge.
I notice how many animal tracks there are around. I laugh as my tracks seem so big and clumsy compared to theirs. Sometimes they share the human created trail with me, sometimes they take a much more efficient and graceful route down the mountain that we can’t. But I smile noticing how our tracks keep weaving in and out of each others feeling like I’m playing with them in some sort of chase outside of time.
When I finally make it down the mountain and rejoin the trails in the valley, I notice the low trails are well traveled. The snow is packed down like a concrete sidewalk. There are bike tracks, ski tracks, boot tracks, and dog tracks all scrambled together. At first I felt relieved that I wouldn’t need to worry so much about breaking trail and constantly not knowing how my next step will land, but actually I noticed it wasn’t as enjoyable. The packed snow is more jarring on my body. The run becomes more monotonous. There are no decisions to make. Everyone has been here. There is less risk, but much less reward.
I challenge myself to look deeper. Not having to focus so much on every step, I have more time to look up and enjoy my surroundings. The beauty of it all. The luxury of having my path laid out before me. The comfort I feel with knowing where the trail goes. The lower well traveled trails have their benefits too.
As I finish out the run and make my way back home, I reflect on how scared I was to even get off the couch. How scared I was not knowing what each step would be like. How my mind wanted to keep me afraid with the same tired arguments even as my comfort grew with experience. But even though I was scared to the point of not even trying at first, once I got the experience of breaking trail, the routine safer route was less satisfying. However bringing more mindful attention to even the routine well traveled sections showed me the infinite gifts that lay there too.
I’ve been back and run the same route a few times since this first journey and it certainly continues to teach me. How each section is different than the time before depending on my mental state. How it is easier to lose attention now that the trail has been broken. I may not have to decide on every step, but I also slipped even more when I let my attention wander. The choices may not be as obvious, but I still have choices to make every step of the way. And finally one of the most remarkable things I noticed was that every person who was on that trail after me followed in my footsteps exactly. Even when looking back there were different routes to take that might have been better.
So what does it all mean? I’ll leave that for you to discover. But like me, you do have to overcome the initial fears to get off the couch and have your own experience to learn from. My simple wish for you is that you find your own trail to break, your own ways of overcoming that voice in your head that tries to hold you back, and your own way of bringing mindful attention to the routine. May you harvest the gifts that lay in all of your journey, every step of the way.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Planning Your Route

December 29, 2012
change, exercise, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, plans, priorities, resolutions, values
Setting Positive Intentions to Transition Into 2013
Over the past couple weeks, I have thankfully had more time on my hands. I have been using this time to stay home, be with family, reflect on the intentions I set for 2012, and acknowledge everything that happened and what I’m still working towards. One thing I know for sure is that if we don’t take the time to reflect and set our road map for next year, we have no guidance and no way of knowing if we are on track with what we want with our lives. So I wanted to take a few moments to share a little bit of the process I use with you to use to develop your own map.

Intentions Worksheet
First, these ain’t no “I want to lose 10 pounds” kind of resolutions. We don’t want to put all our attention into what we don’t want and focus on the negative. Instead, we are going to focus on more of what we do want. When we fill our lives with the things we do want, there is less room for the negative things we don’t want. To do that, it helps to start with taking stock of what we do have. It helps to start with reviewing your intentions from last year, but if you didn’t set any, you can review the year month by month with the key events and look for the blessing and the good things that came out of them.
Once you have reviewed your progress and acknowledged your gifts for the year, you are ready to clean your mental state to prepare for next year. Find some time where you can be alone and uninterrupted. Take out a blank sheet of unlined paper or you use the template I created for you and grab a pen or some colored markers or pencils. You will do this in two stages, first looking at the internal then the external. You will ask yourself some questions, then sit quietly, then jot down some intentions.
  1. First, ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?” “What do I want to give to the world?” “What qualities do I want to grow and develop?” “What qualities do I want to have more of next year?”
  2. Now close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
  3. In the center of your page or in the center circle if you are using the worksheet, write some words that represents these qualities of you that you want to grow and develop next year. Some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
  4. Next, you will look at more external things you want to call in and have more of in your life. Ask yourself, “What do I want more of in my life next year? “What will make life more enjoyable?” “What do I want to spend my time doing?” “Who do I want to spend my time with?” “What will make life more meaningful and fulfilling?”
  5. Again, close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
  6. Now, surrounding the center circle containing the things you put on your page earlier, write some words that represent what you want to have more of next year. Again, some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
  7. The last step is to connect the dots. We can make movement toward our goals easiest when we take small steps. Too big, and our fear gets the best of us and we don’t move at all. So connect the dots with 1-2 small actions you can (and will) take to move toward the things you want more of in your life. If you are not taking the step, it is too big. Make it smaller until you have something you actually can and will do.
  8. When you have it all complete, step back from your page and look at it from a distance. Does this represent what you want for next year? What will it be like when you have it? Is there anything missing? If so, feel free to go back and add a couple things, but don’t get to carried away. Keep it simple.
This process can take days or it can take 30 minutes. For me, it is usually a combination of both. I start asking myself the questions days in advance and then sit and do the exercise above at one time. The more time and space you can give yourself to do this the better, but as always, find what works for you.
Once you are done, either put this paper in a place where you can see it daily like your bathroom mirror or refrigerator or you can put it in a special place where you will make a point to revisit it 2-4 times next year. At the very least, now you will have some direction to check back in with next year to see if you are on track with what you want in your life, or you are getting distracted and lost. When you check back in throughout the year, you can simply ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing getting me closer to these guideposts or farther away?”  Redirect and adjust as necessary   Chances are, just by taking the time to do this, it will be like setting your compass bearing and you will end up closer to your target than if you never defined your waypoints to start with.
This process helps you define your map so you know which direction you are heading, but remember, most worthwhile journeys have obstacles, detours, and changes of plans. Most significant changes take time, so it is important to keep your steps small enough to take and acknowledge the progress you are making.
If you use this process, I’d love to hear how it goes for you. Feel free to send me an email with any thoughts, comments, or feedback. Best wishes for an exciting and abundant new year! I hope it is the best year ever!

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

The Remedy is the Experience

September 26, 2012
change, community, embodied, experience, experiential, growth, human, mindfulness, relationship

Here’s an article I wrote recently published in the fall edition of the Yoga Connection magazine.


The Remedy is the Experience
And experience is magnified in relationship


Often I hear from people, “What good is it to talk about things?” And I have to agree with that sentiment on some level. Talking about things is a good start. It helps you gain clarity and understanding about whatever it is you are facing, but it often falls short of actually creating any change. It’s the difference between reading a book on self-help and actually doing it, or reading a book on spirituality and actually practicing it.

When we engage with only the mind, we are neglecting a good portion of the rest of our system – like our body, emotions, nervous system, intuition, and what is showing up in our interactions in relationships. In this culture, I feel we have placed a premium on intellectual thought while discounting all other forms of learning and expressing, resulting in our ability to think ourselves in circles rather than actually breaking out of patterns of thought that keep us stuck. To actually change, it takes engaging your entire system possibly starting with intellectual learning, followed by experience combined with awareness to witness ourselves in our experience to fully anchor it in our being.

For example, someone I know well likes to do everything herself. Well, she may not like to, but it is much easier for her to take on super human amounts of work and do it herself rather than ask for help. Do you know anyone like this? We’ve talked about this many times over the years, she is aware of it, but there is some deep seated belief that it does no good to ask for help because it won’t be there anyhow – there’s probably no such thing as help. It’s just a myth. And even if there were, she wouldn’t want to be judged for or inconvenience someone in asking. No amount of talking about this and knowing intellectually where it may have come from has helped. It’s just another thought, competing in her mind with all the other millions of thoughts, why would she believe this one over any other?

Luckily experience came to the rescue. Recently, she was able to have the experience of being supported by multiple people in community, over a period of 10 days. So as quickly as her mind wanted to doubt it, there was another experience proving her mind wrong. Now it is not just a conversation about receiving help, but she has evidence, by many people, over a period of time constantly reinforcing the new possibility that there actually is such a thing as help, and most importantly she knows what it feels like to receive help without judgment. Now it has moved from just another thought in her mind to something that is actually real and tangible in her system because she has experience and she knows what it feels like to receive help.   

As I mentioned above, experience on its own is not enough either. If we are too busy in our head, planning our next move, evaluating, judging, worrying, or regretting, we are missing the experience.  One way to escape from this is through present moment awareness – mindfulness, but even this term is starting to feel heady to me. Instead, just getting into the heart-space of allowing, accepting, celebrating, witnessing and enjoying every moment with playful curiosity without trying to change or judge it allows us me to be more present to our experience.  Yes, that is mindfulness, but it is easier to accomplish when coming from the heart, rather than the mind and engaging with the heart gets us about 14” farther into our body.

In this same week referenced above, we had our kids present, which in the past has caused me to be on edge about what they were doing, how much noise they are making, who they are interrupting and so on. But this time we found the space to allow them to be kids, and so did all the other adults there. This was a huge lesson for me that if we can allow the kids to be fully themselves and do no wrong, what happens when we allow each other and ourselves to be like that too? Now don’t get me wrong, we are not the permissive anything goes parents, there are directions and boundaries for them clearly. The difference being we didn’t treat what they were doing as wrong when we asked them to do something else. It is subtle, but there is a definite felt difference there of allowing their being to be, and appreciating them, then redirecting behavior, rather than telling them they are wrong.

And this was a corrective experience for me: shifting from trying to control to accepting and allowing and experiencing how okay it was. So much of my life I’m worried about if I’m doing things “right” or being “acceptable” which saps my energy. Again, by being a part of a circle of people who allow my kids, and myself to just be, to make mistakes, to say the wrong thing, to look stupid, to be fully human, and still fundamentally okay, I now have that experience, which is worth at least 100,000 positive affirmations, mantras, or the like. It is a corrective experience that starts to override all the countless experiences at work, at school, with parents, and with “friends” where it wasn’t okay to simply be me. And at the same time they give us the gift of acceptance, the same circle of people can also redirect us when we get too far out of bounds just as we do with our kids.

“The next Buddha will not take the form of an individual. The next Buddha will take the form of a community; a community practicing understanding and loving kindness, a community practicing mindful living. This may be the most important thing we can do for the survival of the Earth”.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh


On the way home from this trip, I heard a kids joke: “What did the triangle say to the circle? – You’re pointless.”  And that is a good thing! Being supported in an accepting community of people holds so much power, without the sharp points that leave us wounded. 

I hear many people talking about building community these days, but I wonder if we are failing to recognize the community we already have by not fully engaging in it. How well do you know the people you work with, the people in your yoga class, the people you see at the grocery store, your neighbors, and all the others in your life? How much to you allow you to be fully you, honest, open, and vulnerable with others in your life? If we are neglecting the community all around us or holding ourselves back, we are missing out on so much support, so many reflections, so much priceless experience. 

As a sister of mine is fond of saying, “It’s all done with mirrors.” If we are alone, the mirror is colored and distorted by our own thoughts and beliefs. If we are fully engaged in honest open hearted relationship with others, we gain experiences and mirrors to see ourselves more clearly and help us get out of ourselves and actually change.

As we inhabit our body with increasing sensitivity, we learn its unspoken language and patterns, which gives us tremendous freedom to make choices. The practice of cutting thoughts and dispersing negative repetitive patterns can be simplified by attending to the patterns in the body first, before they begin to be spun around in the mind. 

– Jill Satterfield

So let’s seek out experience, actual human experience. Not just living theoretically through books or vicariously through the TV. We have an amazing sensing machine that we don’t always fully inhabit.  Engaging life fully embodied is an entirely different experience! Let’s back into our bodies and all our senses, engage with our breath, and each other fully, deeply, and lovingly to do the best we can and get the most out of our short time here. As Alan Cohen said, “You can be helping many people, but if you are not helping yourself, you have missed the one person you were born to heal.”  And that comes through human experience.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

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