growth | Inner Life Adventures

5Jan2016

Expanding Beyond “Mindfulness”

January 5, 2016

change, depression, embodied, experience, feelings, growth, human experience, meditation, mindfulness, outdoors, relationship, stress reduction, therapy

As I was hiking this morning, I was watching myself, being aware of what I was doing, thinking, feeling, and sensing and a thought occurred, that mindfulness is about so much more than our mind. As a former software engineer, I was living in a world of thought and cognition, which of course is helpful for many things, but not everything life gives us. There is so much more to the mind than just thought, and if our definition of mindfulness is only on thoughts or the absence of thought, there’s so much more we are missing.

Don’t hear me wrong, being more aware of our thoughts, evaluating them as fact/opinion, true/false, helpful/not helpful and working to actively change thought is an essential first step. It is the foundational basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which has been the primary treatment for a couple decades now, but of course there is more.

First let’s be clear that our “mind” is different than our brain (the lump of cells in our skull). And even our brain is not just thought. As anyone who has seen the movie Inside Out will know, there are memories, emotions, core beliefs, and more that shape our personality and all are contained in our brain. (As a side note, if you have not seen this movie yet, go see it!) Our “mind” is much broader and includes all of the components of the brain mentioned above, the remainder of our nervous system, body, and more. Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine defines the mind as “an embodied and relational process that regulates energy and information flow.”

His definition is dense and can be broken down into much detail, but for now I just want to elaborate on a couple of points. The mind regulates information flow – taking in information from our environment, information occurring within us, and information that may or may not leave us through expression. The mind regulates energy input and output, such as the clamping down and low energy state known as depression. The mind is embodied, that it is includes our central nervous system and peripheral nervous system that runs throughout our body and feels and expresses through the body. And the mind is relational – our mind is influenced, shaped, impacted, and includes our relationships of the past and present.

So when we talk about mindfulness, we have to keep in mind that our mind is not just our brain, which is not just our thoughts. It’s helpful to start with tools that help us learn awareness and focus, but then we also need to keep in mind that when we talk about mindfulness, we also need to consider and work with body-fulness, emotion-fulness, sense-fulness, thought-fulness, memory-fulness, self-fulness, other-fulness, relation-fulness, heart-fulness, personality-fulness, habitual behavioral pattern-fulness, and all the other components of being human.

You can try some exercises and see a diagram of this on my Mindful Practice page.

To explore all these areas, it takes awareness, skill, willingness, patience, and it is quite helpful to have a guide. After all, how do you explore the relational aspects of mind by yourself? Further, most of us tend to stay in our habitual comfort zone, and having someone to help point out the things we are not seeing on our own is an important part of the process of growth and healing. Exploring all of this is what Dan Siegel calls “Mindsight,” and I call it your Inner (and outer) Life Adventure.

Happy exploring!

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

1Jan2016

Living Bigger than Your Goals, Bigger than Yourself – Your Mission

January 1, 2016

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change, community, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, personal growth, plans, priorities, relationship, resolutions, values

A reflection on Relationship, Connection, Trust

Around the new year, I reflect on the past year and reevaluate my direction for the new year. This year, I’m clear that I’ve made a lot of progress on my goals, and yet they are big enough that I’m still working toward them. Sometimes it takes years or even a lifetime of revisiting and refining the same things to accomplish the things that are really important to us. That’s what it is like to live your mission. What is your mission?

My mission is connection. Connection to myself, to others, to my community, and to the world as a whole. And partly because we teach what we need to learn for ourselves and because I want to share the gifts and lessons I’ve

Taking Steps, Exposed, Vulnerable

received in my life, much of the way I work with individuals, couples, and groups invites people into deeper connection with themselves, each other, and the world as well. Your mission may be different, yet I’d bet there is something in what I’m learning about living my mission that will help you with your mission as well. (Or if nothing else, you might find some ideas that help with your relationships.)

In recent years, I’ve learned that the two biggest things that hold me back are fear and lack of trust (which are closely related by the way). So when I stumbled on a video of Brene Brown outlining what it really takes to trust, I ate it up. It shined a spotlight on where I’ve been falling short in my mission and inspired me to take more responsibility for trusting and connecting – both to myself and others. Wait, so what is trust?

Charles Feltman defines trust as this: “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” And his definition of distrust follows with, “what I have chosen to share with you that is important to me is not safe with you.” Wow. That is clear. So , how we you trust, really?

To learn how to trust, Brene Brown dug into her own research and research by as well-known relationship expert John Gottman. Gottman says: trust is built in small moments over time. Stopping what you are doing to attend to someone in need or pick up the phone to check in when you are thinking about someone and asking about specific things you know are important to them builds trust and connection. Failure to choose connection and support when the opportunity is there is a betrayal of trust and relationship.

Another surprising finding is that asking people for help when needed helps prove trustworthiness. It shows we won’t take on more than we can handle and we will ask for help when we do. When we don’t do this, people won’t come to us because they don’t believe we can handle what they want to ask or share. This one was huge for me and speaks so much about honoring ourselves and our limits and boundaries.

Diving deeper into trust, we see when we trust, we are BRAVING connection. With ourselves and with others. Brene Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING to describe in more detail the components of trust.

B – Boundaries – When I know your boundaries, and you hold them, and you know my boundaries and respect them, there can be trust. Without clear boundaries and respect of boundaries, there is distrust. Boundaries create safety; safety creates trust. Its why we build fences and walls. So much more can be said about this, I’ll save it for a future post.

R – Reliability – There can only be trust if you do what you say you are going to do and I do what I say I’m going to do consistently over time, not just once. How many times do we not do what we say we will do. “It was really great seeing you. Let’s get together again soon for lunch.” And it never happens? I know it’s just a saying and everyone says it, but trust is broken. Let’s just share the awkwardness of knowing it may be a while before we meet again. Being reliable creates trust.

A – Accountability – You are allowed to make mistakes. I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it and make amends and you can only trust me if I am allowed to make a mistake, be honest about it, and make amends. Being accountable creates trust.

V – Vault – What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence. When we gossip about someone sharing something that is not ours to share, we think we are connecting over juicy information, but we are proving ourselves untrustworthy. Keeping confidence creates trust.

I – Integrity – I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. What is integrity? Doing what is right, even when nobody else is looking. Brene’s definition is far more challenging and eloquent. “Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. Practicing your values, not just professing your values.” Let’s meet each other in integrity. Being in integrity creates trust.

N – Non-Judgement – I can fall apart, ask for help, struggle, suffer, and make mistakes without being judged by you and you will find the same with me. Without this, we can’t be safe to ask for help and we can’t truly reciprocate it. When we assign a value to reaching out or needing help by thinking less of the other person or judging them in any way for what they are doing or feeling it destroys trust. Or even more importantly when we think less of ourselves for reaching out or needing help, we are consciously or unconsciously thinking less of the other person for their needing help. You can’t have true trust if you are judging the other person, or ourselves in big or small ways. Acceptance creates trust.

G – Generosity. Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about me and my intentions and then check in about it if it doesn’t feel right. I will do the same for you to help us both stay in integrity. There is a lack of trust when we assume poor intentions and don’t check it out with the other person. Assuming positive intentions and having unconditional positive regard creates trust.

Building trust, strengthening the weak spots, and sharing about breakdowns in trust facilitates connection. Trust makes connection easy.

And these same principles apply to trusting and connecting with ourselves as well as trusting and connecting with someone else. Looking at ourselves: How well do we know our own boundaries and honor them? How often do we do what we tell ourselves we are going to do? How good are we at admitting and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings? How good are we at choosing who to share with and how much is in our best interest to share? Are we in integrity with ourselves and our value? Can we refrain from judging and being critical of our thoughts and actions? Do we assume that we are doing our best and had positive intentions? By these measures, do we really trust ourselves? Can we achieve our mission if we don’t trust ourselves?

When we become aware we are not trusting or in connection with ourselves, reflecting on these definitions can give us benchmarks. This map shows us where our obstacles are to deeper relationship, trust, and connection are happening so we can name it, repair it, and ask for what we need from ourselves and from others.

To tie this all together: Do you know your mission? Are you living it? In every small moment? Can you achieve your mission alone or is it so big do you need the help and support of others? You probably need strong relationship with yourself and others to achieve your mission. Do you have strong relationship and connection with yourself and others? Do you trust yourself to achieve your mission? Do you trust others to help? If not, where are your obstacles?

Thanks for joining me on this small part of my mission. Will you join me for more?

17Aug2015

New Therapy Group for Teens

August 17, 2015

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anger, anxiety, change, children, community, exercise, experience, experiential, feelings, goals, group, growth, human experience, kids, mindfulness, outdoors, personal growth, relationship, school, self esteem, therapy

Join us for a new first of its kind hybrid group therapy and wilderness therapy group for teenagers locally on the Front Range based out of Fort Collins, CO. This outdoor group was created to offer the best of coaching, therapy, and wilderness adventures to adolescents without the cost and time commitment of traditional backcountry programs.

This group is open to all teens of all genders regardless of “issue” who are simply looking for personal growth by getting outside and joining in a community of peers, connecting with themselves, others, and nature. Through exploring themselves, overcoming challenges, developing new skills, and being guided by expert facilitators our participants learn to bring the best of the lessons and experiences of the outside…. in.

For more details, click here and or contact Chuck directly at [email protected] or 970.556.4095.

Download a pdf version of the flyer to print, email, and share with someone who could benefit.

25Jul2014

True Fear vs Worry

July 25, 2014

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anxiety, change, embodied, exercise, experience, experiential, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, stress

Ever since having a rattlesnake swim toward me and my kids a couple of weeks ago, every stick looks like a snake. Every stick causes a slight pause, a re-evaluation, and worry about getting bit. But this morning I got to see how unhelpful this really is.

This morning I was running on a familiar trail, after many false snake sightings my brain started to grow tired of it. Then I heard it, the loudest most intense rattle I’ve ever heard. And it’s close. My body freezes, my eyes search for the sound, my feet shuffle to a stop like the Road Runner cartoon character on the edge of a cliff. A rattlesnake tumbles off the rock next to me dead center on the trail in front of me. Only 6” from my feet, my body hovered over it still being pulled by my forward momentum.

I hear myself utter a fearful sound I’ve never heard myself make before. My breathing stops. All of my attention and focus goes to regaining my balance. I’m feeling real fear, much stronger than all the pointless worry of a few minutes ago. True fear totally consumes my body, giving me an alertness and activation that helps me with this threat. Yet there is enough focus and stillness inside, to watch what is happening and notice I have not been bit. The snake too was startled and all of its energy was going into curling up in it’s defensive position, which gave me time to back away.

We both stand our ground and stare at each other. My heart pounding, I breathe deep and regain my composure. It too is still, not rattling, just watching me. We both hold our places, no longer in the grips of fear. After a few minutes of watching each other and soaking in what just happened, I thank it for the experience and find an alternate route to continue on my journey.

Curiously, I notice that the rest of my run I’m actually not going on alert with every stick like before the meeting. The real encounter with an actual danger seems to have increased my ability to discern the real threat from the perceived threat.

My brain thought it was keeping me safe by raising my fear any time it saw a stick, but in fact it wasn’t real fear, and it was only distracting me from what was real. Having a snake 6” away from my foot triggered the real thing. And it reminded me that most things that can really hurt us can’t be predicted anyway, we just have to trust ourselves, trust our body, trust our experience, and trust our support to do what needs to be done when action is needed.

As tends to happen on my outings in nature, I realize there are so many ways this experience speaks to the challenges and ways I’m needing to grow right now. There are so many false fears in my mind about life, social situations, business decisions, my career, relationships, and more. And I see how they are all distractions. And the level of fear my worries present me with is so low, compared to a real danger. But I often perceive them as real, I don’t like feeling them, and I let them limit me.

Well, I used to. Knowing how the brain works, I know this experience created some new pathways in my brain. Just thinking about these things isn’t enough to change, but this helpful rattlesnake gave me a valuable experience. It will now be that much easier to see worry for what it is now that my perception has been changed. And I get to be grateful for yes, even a rattlesnake.

I hope you get out in the world and have your own lessons and life changing experiences. They happen anywhere, when you are open to your experience, whatever it may be. Just try not to play with rattlesnakes if you don’t have to. Hopefully you can learn your lessons easier. 🙂

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email[email protected]. Want to meet? Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Image Used under Creative Commons by David O on Flickr

24Jul2014

8 Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy

July 24, 2014

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change, feelings, goals, growth, human experience, personal growth, relationship, therapy

With so many “healers,” coaches, counselors, psychotherapists, and psychologists out there practicing thousands of methods, there are many misconceptions about what therapy is and isn’t. I can’t dispel all the myths, but here are a few things I’d like you to know.

1. People who go to therapy are not crazy. You are not crazy.

We all have challenges and unique ways of approaching them. Most people feel like they are unique and nobody has ever had the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that they have. Guess what? We are all human. There is nothing inherently bad, embarrassing, or shameful about anything you are thinking or experiencing. Most of us only feel this way because we don’t take the risk to be vulnerable and share the details of our inner worlds with others. You can be assured, no matter what you are facing, it may be challenging, you may be coping in ineffective ways, but you are not crazy.

2. Relationship is everything.

There are literally thousands of theories and techniques for doing therapy. You know what the one thing is that research shows will be a predictor of a successful outcome? Relationship. The level of trust and safety you feel with your therapist is the best predictor of success. If you don’t feel able to explore the deeper levels of truth first with yourself and also with your therapist, it will be really hard to make lasting changes. Trust and relationship take time to build, really. It can’t be rushed. It is the most important thing we will do. Nobody exists outside of some sort of relationship, and most of us have limited or no access to a truly supportive, deeply caring, and profoundly accepting relationship like can be developed here.

3. I’m not here to give you advice.

You will probably want it at some point, but I am not the expert in you or your life. You are. My job is to help you gain more trust and confidence in your own ability to lead your own life. I will gladly offer reflections of what you are saying, what it seems like you are saying that you are not aware of, and questions to help you get more clear, but your life is yours to live.

4. My job is not to psychoanalyze you.

See above. A good therapist will not claim to have all the answers. I certainly don’t. We are humans just like you. You are the expert in you. My job is to help you peel back the layers to become even more intimate with yourself, so that you know and feel that you are indeed the only one who can be the expert in you. And you are the only one that can make the changes in your life. My job is to be curious as we explore the unknown together, and maybe I can guide a little and empower you to continue with your own self-leadership.

5. All emotions are welcome. Especially anger.

Most of us have a challenged relationship with our emotions. Either we don’t feel or acknowledge them at all or we are totally ruled by them. Neither is helpful. Emotions serve a purpose: they repel us from things that aren’t good for us and bring us closer to things that are. Ignoring the wisdom of your emotions results in poor decision making and disconnection from yourself. And yet if your emotions are controlling you, you probably could use some balance by engaging your thoughts and rational mind more. The point is, therapy provides a safe and welcoming space where all your emotions are welcome, valid, and supported, even the ones that get a bad reputation such as anger. Emotions are an important part of being human.

6. You will probably backslide to old behavior patterns and I won’t judge you.

Most of us have been engaged in habitual thinking and automatic behaviors for a long time. There is a saying in neuroscience that says, “neurons that fire together wire together.” The longer you have a habitual way of thinking or behaving, the more that pattern gets imprinted in our brain. Our old patterns are kind of like the most popular hiking trails near town – they are well-trodden and easy to find. But when you try to make changes to your thinking and behaving, it is like starting a new trail by simply veering off the main trail. It takes many times walking the new path to wear it in, and even then it is still faint. It is much easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay on the familiar trail. It takes much more effort and intention to forge a new trail, but with time, it will also be easy for you to find and then you will have a choice of which path to take. Relapse is part of the change process, it is not failure. This is another reason it helps to have a guide who knows the terrain.

7. You deserve to be happy and only you are in control of that. I want to support you in having the life you want.

This is a complicated topic, but I want you to know that you only have one life and you deserve to enjoy it. Even if the changes you want to make seem huge and there are a lot of factors that seem in your way – relationships, finances, family, job, education, and more, there are ways to be happy in any circumstance, and there are ways to move toward something better for you. It’s worth it.

8. Therapy is weird. And special. And priceless. And takes courage.

Before people come to therapy, they usually try almost everything they can think of to do it on their own. Some approaches are helpful, others are not. People come to therapy for all kinds of different reasons. Therapy can help with many mental, emotional, and relational challenges – and even some physical (somatic) symptoms. But it can be hard to meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and talk about the most vulnerable and personal things that we sometimes don’t even want to share with our closest friends or family. And that is part of what makes it special and priceless. For most of us, we can’t find any other relationship like this where it is safe to talk about anything, and have it met with 100% acceptance, no judgment, and even some gentle support on how to do things differently.

Our automatic habitual thoughts and behaviors are mostly unconscious. Without outside input, it is likely we will stay stuck doing and thinking the same thing. When you are ready for a trained guide to take you out of the familiar and into a new life, we’ll be here. See you then.

~chuck

Edit: Right after publishing this, I came across this post written from a therapy client. Great insights from an experienced client’s perspective.

1Jan2013

Breaking Trail

January 1, 2013

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change, growth, mindfulness, outdoors, resolutions

A few weeks ago, I discovered yet another new favorite outdoor activity that shapes my mind and body while keeping me healthy – trail running in the snow. It may sound silly to some of you who have been doing this for years, but for me just trying this new activity took overcoming lots of negative self talk. “It’s too cold.” “You can’t see the trail.” “You’ll trip and fall on a rock you can’t see.” “It’s too slippery – you will sprain your ankle again.” “Your shoes are too old and don’t have the right traction.” “You’ll slip off the trail and plummet down the side of the mountain.” Enough already! While there is truth to many of those statements, after a few days of letting my mind and my fears keep me caged up inside, I told myself, “just try it one step at a time.” If it gets too tough, you can always stop and walk or go back home.

So I set out. Slowly and timidly at first. Climbing up the first big hill, I had more traction than I expected, but my legs and lungs were protesting and I wanted to go sit back on the couch. I kept going, but allowing myself to walk a little on the steepest parts.

Eventually I get to a choice point. I can keep heading up the steep service road or I can take a trail off to the left or another off to the right. I originally thought I would go on the trail to the left, because it is one I have been on less, is a little less steep, and has great views. But nobody has been on it since it snowed and I didn’t think I could find the trail and some of the same excuses as above came rushing back into my mind. The trail to the right I’ve been on dozens of times, and it had some footprints so I assume someone else has been there, I’ll be able to find the trail, and it will be slightly packed down for me. I chose the trail to the right because it seemed safer and I told myself I’d just go a little ways and turn around before the steep parts.

Stepping off the service road, the snow is deeper and more slippery now, but still doable. I’m having fun with the twists and turns and my footing is sure enough. I’m not on the trail more than an eighth of a mile or so when I come upon an older couple who are hiking with trekking poles. We exchange a few words about the beauty of the snowy hills and I pass them, quickly realizing they were the ones breaking trail for me. I make a joke about it, thank them, then quickly realize I’m right back where I started on the unbroken trail that I avoided the first time.

Now my ego kicks in – well, don’t turn around now, you’ll look like a fool and a wuss to that couple. But my mind is also replaying all of my original fears for the third time. So my ego and my fears are wrestling while my higher, calmer, more centered self says, just keep going, one step at a time. You can turn around if you need to later. And I plod on.

I can’t really tell where the trail is, but I keep going choose the best possible places to put my feet. Sometimes I step and sink deeply, sometimes my steps are shallow, sometimes my foot slides out from underneath me activating all the other parts of my body to move quickly and compensate to recover my balance and keep from face planting in the snow. Slightly scary, but fun!

Before I know it, I’ve gone much farther than I planned and I’m at the first steep technical hill. I continue with my mantra, just try it, one step at a time. And my feet find enough traction. They find roots and rocks hidden under the snow providing me with enough support to keep heading up. Those same obstacles I was afraid would trip me up end up helping me. I make it up the hill, lungs screaming, adrenaline pumping, and a smile on my face.

I continue on running the entire trail. Never knowing exactly where the trail is or if I’m on it, but just choosing the best possible next step. Lifting my feet up high and splashing them back down in the fluffy powder. Enjoying the simultaneous excitement and fear of breaking trail, negotiating the unknown with every step.

Eventually I get to the intersection with another trail where I turn to start heading back down the mountain. The same fears come up yet a fourth time – now I’m heading down and surely gravity will cause me to go too fast and slip and fall. But I’m practiced now with appeasing these thoughts. Actually what I find is the deep fluffy powder makes a nice cushion and catches my foot and I am going just about as fast as I do on a dry day. And of course, some sections that are too steep I do have to slow down and walk carefully. But the snow adds greatly to the beauty in addition to the challenge.

I notice how many animal tracks there are around. I laugh as my tracks seem so big and clumsy compared to theirs. Sometimes they share the human created trail with me, sometimes they take a much more efficient and graceful route down the mountain that we can’t. But I smile noticing how our tracks keep weaving in and out of each others feeling like I’m playing with them in some sort of chase outside of time.

When I finally make it down the mountain and rejoin the trails in the valley, I notice the low trails are well traveled. The snow is packed down like a concrete sidewalk. There are bike tracks, ski tracks, boot tracks, and dog tracks all scrambled together. At first I felt relieved that I wouldn’t need to worry so much about breaking trail and constantly not knowing how my next step will land, but actually I noticed it wasn’t as enjoyable. The packed snow is more jarring on my body. The run becomes more monotonous. There are no decisions to make. Everyone has been here. There is less risk, but much less reward.

I challenge myself to look deeper. Not having to focus so much on every step, I have more time to look up and enjoy my surroundings. The beauty of it all. The luxury of having my path laid out before me. The comfort I feel with knowing where the trail goes. The lower well traveled trails have their benefits too.

As I finish out the run and make my way back home, I reflect on how scared I was to even get off the couch. How scared I was not knowing what each step would be like. How my mind wanted to keep me afraid with the same tired arguments even as my comfort grew with experience. But even though I was scared to the point of not even trying at first, once I got the experience of breaking trail, the routine safer route was less satisfying. However bringing more mindful attention to even the routine well traveled sections showed me the infinite gifts that lay there too.

I’ve been back and run the same route a few times since this first journey and it certainly continues to teach me. How each section is different than the time before depending on my mental state. How it is easier to lose attention now that the trail has been broken. I may not have to decide on every step, but I also slipped even more when I let my attention wander. The choices may not be as obvious, but I still have choices to make every step of the way. And finally one of the most remarkable things I noticed was that every person who was on that trail after me followed in my footsteps exactly. Even when looking back there were different routes to take that might have been better.

So what does it all mean? I’ll leave that for you to discover. But like me, you do have to overcome the initial fears to get off the couch and have your own experience to learn from. My simple wish for you is that you find your own trail to break, your own ways of overcoming that voice in your head that tries to hold you back, and your own way of bringing mindful attention to the routine. May you harvest the gifts that lay in all of your journey, every step of the way.

~chuck

29Dec2012

Planning Your Route

December 29, 2012

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change, exercise, goals, growth, mindfulness, new year, plans, priorities, resolutions, values

Setting Positive Intentions to Transition Into 2013

Over the past couple weeks, I have thankfully had more time on my hands. I have been using this time to stay home, be with family, reflect on the intentions I set for 2012, and acknowledge everything that happened and what I’m still working towards. One thing I know for sure is that if we don’t take the time to reflect and set our road map for next year, we have no guidance and no way of knowing if we are on track with what we want with our lives. So I wanted to take a few moments to share a little bit of the process I use with you to use to develop your own map.

First, these ain’t no “I want to lose 10 pounds” kind of resolutions. We don’t want to put all our attention into what we don’t want and focus on the negative. Instead, we are going to focus on more of what we do want. When we fill our lives with the things we do want, there is less room for the negative things we don’t want. To do that, it helps to start with taking stock of what we do have. It helps to start with reviewing your intentions from last year, but if you didn’t set any, you can review the year month by month with the key events and look for the blessing and the good things that came out of them.

Once you have reviewed your progress and acknowledged your gifts for the year, you are ready to clean your mental state to prepare for next year. Find some time where you can be alone and uninterrupted. Take out a blank sheet of unlined paper or you use the template I created for you and grab a pen or some colored markers or pencils. You will do this in two stages, first looking at the internal then the external. You will ask yourself some questions, then sit quietly, then jot down some intentions.

First, ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?” “What do I want to give to the world?” “What qualities do I want to grow and develop?” “What qualities do I want to have more of next year?”
Now close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
In the center of your page or in the center circle if you are using the worksheet, write some words that represents these qualities of you that you want to grow and develop next year. Some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
Next, you will look at more external things you want to call in and have more of in your life. Ask yourself, “What do I want more of in my life next year? “What will make life more enjoyable?” “What do I want to spend my time doing?” “Who do I want to spend my time with?” “What will make life more meaningful and fulfilling?”
Again, close your eyes and sit quietly for at least 5 minutes and watch your mind. You are not trying answer the questions directly, but just watch what comes up. Don’t dwell on any one thought. Just note it and let it go.
Now, surrounding the center circle containing the things you put on your page earlier, write some words that represent what you want to have more of next year. Again, some of these words may be things that showed up in your silence, some may be words that show up right now as you are writing. Both are fine.
The last step is to connect the dots. We can make movement toward our goals easiest when we take small steps. Too big, and our fear gets the best of us and we don’t move at all. So connect the dots with 1-2 small actions you can (and will) take to move toward the things you want more of in your life. If you are not taking the step, it is too big. Make it smaller until you have something you actually can and will do.
When you have it all complete, step back from your page and look at it from a distance. Does this represent what you want for next year? What will it be like when you have it? Is there anything missing? If so, feel free to go back and add a couple things, but don’t get to carried away. Keep it simple.

This process can take days or it can take 30 minutes. For me, it is usually a combination of both. I start asking myself the questions days in advance and then sit and do the exercise above at one time. The more time and space you can give yourself to do this the better, but as always, find what works for you.

Once you are done, either put this paper in a place where you can see it daily like your bathroom mirror or refrigerator or you can put it in a special place where you will make a point to revisit it 2-4 times next year. At the very least, now you will have some direction to check back in with next year to see if you are on track with what you want in your life, or you are getting distracted and lost. When you check back in throughout the year, you can simply ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing getting me closer to these guideposts or farther away?” Redirect and adjust as necessary Chances are, just by taking the time to do this, it will be like setting your compass bearing and you will end up closer to your target than if you never defined your waypoints to start with.

This process helps you define your map so you know which direction you are heading, but remember, most worthwhile journeys have obstacles, detours, and changes of plans. Most significant changes take time, so it is important to keep your steps small enough to take and acknowledge the progress you are making.

If you use this process, I’d love to hear how it goes for you. Feel free to send me an email with any thoughts, comments, or feedback. Best wishes for an exciting and abundant new year! I hope it is the best year ever!

~chuck

26Sep2012

The Remedy is the Experience

September 26, 2012

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change, community, embodied, experience, experiential, growth, human, mindfulness, relationship

Here’s an article I wrote recently published in the fall edition of the Yoga Connection magazine.

The Remedy is the Experience
And experience is magnified in relationship

Often I hear from people, “What good is it to talk about things?” And I have to agree with that sentiment on some level. Talking about things is a good start. It helps you gain clarity and understanding about whatever it is you are facing, but it often falls short of actually creating any change. It’s the difference between reading a book on self-help and actually doing it, or reading a book on spirituality and actually practicing it.

When we engage with only the mind, we are neglecting a good portion of the rest of our system – like our body, emotions, nervous system, intuition, and what is showing up in our interactions in relationships. In this culture, I feel we have placed a premium on intellectual thought while discounting all other forms of learning and expressing, resulting in our ability to think ourselves in circles rather than actually breaking out of patterns of thought that keep us stuck. To actually change, it takes engaging your entire system possibly starting with intellectual learning, followed by experience combined with awareness to witness ourselves in our experience to fully anchor it in our being.

For example, someone I know well likes to do everything herself. Well, she may not like to, but it is much easier for her to take on super human amounts of work and do it herself rather than ask for help. Do you know anyone like this? We’ve talked about this many times over the years, she is aware of it, but there is some deep seated belief that it does no good to ask for help because it won’t be there anyhow – there’s probably no such thing as help. It’s just a myth. And even if there were, she wouldn’t want to be judged for or inconvenience someone in asking. No amount of talking about this and knowing intellectually where it may have come from has helped. It’s just another thought, competing in her mind with all the other millions of thoughts, why would she believe this one over any other?

Luckily experience came to the rescue. Recently, she was able to have the experience of being supported by multiple people in community, over a period of 10 days. So as quickly as her mind wanted to doubt it, there was another experience proving her mind wrong. Now it is not just a conversation about receiving help, but she has evidence, by many people, over a period of time constantly reinforcing the new possibility that there actually is such a thing as help, and most importantly she knows what it feels like to receive help without judgment. Now it has moved from just another thought in her mind to something that is actually real and tangible in her system because she has experience and she knows what it feels like to receive help.

As I mentioned above, experience on its own is not enough either. If we are too busy in our head, planning our next move, evaluating, judging, worrying, or regretting, we are missing the experience. One way to escape from this is through present moment awareness – mindfulness, but even this term is starting to feel heady to me. Instead, just getting into the heart-space of allowing, accepting, celebrating, witnessing and enjoying every moment with playful curiosity without trying to change or judge it allows us me to be more present to our experience. Yes, that is mindfulness, but it is easier to accomplish when coming from the heart, rather than the mind and engaging with the heart gets us about 14” farther into our body.

In this same week referenced above, we had our kids present, which in the past has caused me to be on edge about what they were doing, how much noise they are making, who they are interrupting and so on. But this time we found the space to allow them to be kids, and so did all the other adults there. This was a huge lesson for me that if we can allow the kids to be fully themselves and do no wrong, what happens when we allow each other and ourselves to be like that too? Now don’t get me wrong, we are not the permissive anything goes parents, there are directions and boundaries for them clearly. The difference being we didn’t treat what they were doing as wrong when we asked them to do something else. It is subtle, but there is a definite felt difference there of allowing their being to be, and appreciating them, then redirecting behavior, rather than telling them they are wrong.

And this was a corrective experience for me: shifting from trying to control to accepting and allowing and experiencing how okay it was. So much of my life I’m worried about if I’m doing things “right” or being “acceptable” which saps my energy. Again, by being a part of a circle of people who allow my kids, and myself to just be, to make mistakes, to say the wrong thing, to look stupid, to be fully human, and still fundamentally okay, I now have that experience, which is worth at least 100,000 positive affirmations, mantras, or the like. It is a corrective experience that starts to override all the countless experiences at work, at school, with parents, and with “friends” where it wasn’t okay to simply be me. And at the same time they give us the gift of acceptance, the same circle of people can also redirect us when we get too far out of bounds just as we do with our kids.

“The next Buddha will not take the form of an individual. The next Buddha will take the form of a community; a community practicing understanding and loving kindness, a community practicing mindful living. This may be the most important thing we can do for the survival of the Earth”.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

On the way home from this trip, I heard a kids joke: “What did the triangle say to the circle? – You’re pointless.” And that is a good thing! Being supported in an accepting community of people holds so much power, without the sharp points that leave us wounded.

I hear many people talking about building community these days, but I wonder if we are failing to recognize the community we already have by not fully engaging in it. How well do you know the people you work with, the people in your yoga class, the people you see at the grocery store, your neighbors, and all the others in your life? How much to you allow you to be fully you, honest, open, and vulnerable with others in your life? If we are neglecting the community all around us or holding ourselves back, we are missing out on so much support, so many reflections, so much priceless experience.

As a sister of mine is fond of saying, “It’s all done with mirrors.” If we are alone, the mirror is colored and distorted by our own thoughts and beliefs. If we are fully engaged in honest open hearted relationship with others, we gain experiences and mirrors to see ourselves more clearly and help us get out of ourselves and actually change.

As we inhabit our body with increasing sensitivity, we learn its unspoken language and patterns, which gives us tremendous freedom to make choices. The practice of cutting thoughts and dispersing negative repetitive patterns can be simplified by attending to the patterns in the body first, before they begin to be spun around in the mind.

– Jill Satterfield

So let’s seek out experience, actual human experience. Not just living theoretically through books or vicariously through the TV. We have an amazing sensing machine that we don’t always fully inhabit. Engaging life fully embodied is an entirely different experience! Let’s back into our bodies and all our senses, engage with our breath, and each other fully, deeply, and lovingly to do the best we can and get the most out of our short time here. As Alan Cohen said, “You can be helping many people, but if you are not helping yourself, you have missed the one person you were born to heal.” And that comes through human experience.

~chuck

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