Don’t miss this rare opportunity to be a part of this long established men’s group. This group has intelligent, committed men, some of whom have been working together for years. For more information, see the flyer below and contact Chuck today to schedule a free group screening appointment to see if you would be a good fit for this group to be able to grow with other men.
Download and share this flyer with a man you know could benefit.
Men’s Process Group Flyer 2017 (pdf version)
With these elements, trust can be built, and it can be destroyed.
While it is common to make trust black and white and say things like, “I trust you” or “I don’t trust you,” trust is anything but black and white. It is actually more of a spiral, you c
an trust someone with one piece of information, but not another. Then trust deepens, and that thing that wasn’t safe to say or do before becomes safe, while there are still other things that are unsafe with the current level of trust.
Charles Feltman defines trust as this: “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” And his definition of distrust follows with, “What I have chosen to share with you that is important to me is not safe with you.” Wow. That is clear. That “something” could be anything. Your feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, wants, needs, body, favorite objects, or anything important to you. So, how we trust, really?
To learn how to trust, Dr. Brene Brown dug into her own research and research by a well-known relationship expert John Gottman. Gottman says: trust is built in small moments over time. Stopping what you are doing to attend to someone in need or pick up the phone to check in when you are thinking about someone and asking about specific things you know are important to them builds trust and connection. Failure to choose connection and support when the opportunity is there is a betrayal of trust and relationship, such as when your obviously upset partner walks in the door with a big sigh and you ignore them choosing a screen instead.
An example I use often with clients is a jar of marbles. We automatically give more or less marbles to other people when we first meet, based on how they look, talk, common people they know, credentials, and our own degree of trustworthiness. Each marble represents a building block of trust, either given freely or earned by demonstrated trust. Breaches of trust can be small, like not returning a phone call or text, or they can be large like a damaging lie, slander, or an affair. The marbles can be dumped out slowly or quickly, but they have to be put back in one at a time.
Another surprising finding by Dr. Brown is that asking people for help when needed helps prove trustworthiness. It shows we won’t take on more than we can handle and we will ask for help when we do. When we don’t do this, people won’t come to us because they don’t believe we can handle what they want to ask or share. This one was huge for me and speaks so much about honoring ourselves and our limits and boundaries.
Diving deeper into trust, we see when we trust, we are BRAVING connection. With ourselves and with others. Brene Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING to describe in more detail the components of trust.
B – Boundaries – When I know your boundaries, and you hold them, and you know my boundaries and respect them, there can be trust. Without clear boundaries and respect of boundaries, there is distrust. Boundaries create safety; safety creates trust. Its why we build fences and walls. So much more can be said about this, I’ll save it for a future post.
R – Reliability – There can only be trust if you do what you say you are going to do and I do what I say I’m going to do consistently over time, not just once. How many times do we not do what we say we will do. “It was really great seeing you. Let’s get together again soon for lunch.” And it never happens? I know it’s just a saying and everyone says it, but trust is broken. Let’s just share the awkwardness of knowing it may be a while before we meet again. Being reliable creates trust.
A – Accountability – You are allowed to make mistakes. I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it and make amends and you can only trust me if I am allowed to make a mistake, be honest about it, and make amends. Being accountable creates trust.
V – Vault – What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence. When we gossip about someone sharing something that is not ours to share, we think we are connecting over juicy information, but we are proving ourselves untrustworthy. Keeping confidence creates trust.
I – Integrity – I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. What is integrity? Doing what is right, even when nobody else is looking. Brene’s definition is far more challenging and eloquent. “Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. Practicing your values, not just professing your values.” Let’s meet each other in integrity. Being in integrity creates trust.
N – Non-Judgement – I can fall apart, ask for help, struggle, suffer, and make mistakes without being judged by you and you will find the same with me. Without this, we can’t be safe to ask for help and we can’t truly reciprocate it. When we assign a value to reaching out or needing help by thinking less of the other person or judging them in any way for what they are doing or feeling it destroys trust. Or even more importantly when we think less of ourselves for reaching out or needing help, we are consciously or unconsciously thinking less of the other person for their needing help. You can’t have true trust if you are judging the other person, or ourselves in big or small ways. Acceptance creates trust.
G – Generosity. Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about me and my intentions and then check in about it if it doesn’t feel right. I will do the same for you to help us both stay in integrity. There is a lack of trust when we assume poor intentions and don’t check it out with the other person. Assuming positive intentions and having unconditional positive regard creates trust.
Building trust, strengthening the weak spots, and sharing about breakdowns in trust facilitates connection. Trust makes connection easy.
And these same principles apply to trusting and connecting with ourselves as well as trusting and connecting with someone else. Looking at ourselves: How well do we know our own boundaries and honor them? How often do we do what we tell ourselves we are going to do? How good are we at admitting and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings? How good are we at choosing who to share with and how much is in our best interest to share? Are we in integrity with ourselves and our value? Can we refrain from judging and being critical of our thoughts and actions? Do we assume that we are doing our best and had positive intentions? By these measures, do we really trust ourselves?
When we become aware we are not trusting ourselves or are in connection with ourselves, reflecting on these definitions can give us benchmarks. This map shows us where our obstacles are to deeper relationship, trust, and connection are happening so we can name it, repair it, and ask for what we need from ourselves and from others. It’s important to build trust first within yourself.
When you trust yourself and are in integrity with yourself, or own it and make amends quickly when you are not, it is easier to be a trustworthy person, which makes it easier to assume the good intent of others, to respect your own and other people’s boundaries, and have honest check in’s with others, and build safe, trusting relationships.
You can use BRAVING as a benchmark to identify breaches of trust in yourself, in your relationships. And then it’s easier to correct course and repair trust faster.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
How Leave No Trace (LNT) Camping Ethics Apply to Your Shame and Pain
Yes, you read that right! Scatter your shame and pain, intentionally! What have you been doing with your shame and pain? If you are like most people, you hide it, deny it, or perhaps unload it on one best friend or your romantic partner. But the problem with that is it comes out sideways, when you least expect it. Or it stagnates and rots inside you. Or you overburden your best friend or partner expecting too much. So what do you do about it?
In LNT principles, you minimize your impact on our environment by scattering cool ashes and scattering your strained dishwater. Why? You pack out trash, but you don’t want to carry dead organic material from the past with you. That is best left to return to the earth to be broken down and fertilize the next generations of life And leaving a pile of waste is an eyesore, attracts animals, and over-taxes one spot. Especially if you leave food scraps in a pile, it will decompose and stink.
Pain and shame is a natural organic human experience. Just like the lifecycle represented with food and ashes. Our emotional “yucky stuff” needs to be handled just like physical “yucky stuff.” It can’t be ignored, don’t let it accumulate, don’t leave it for others to deal with. Give it a proper treatment by straining out the big bits, and dispersing the small pieces where they don’t cause harm and in some cases can even nourish other forms of life.
Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown advises that we handle these feelings just like we strain our dishwater or separate ashes from incompletely burned charred firewood. First separate what you do from who you are. You may have done something you regret, but it doesn’t mean you are bad. Guilt is feeling bad about what you did, which can be a healthy emotion that causes a change in behavior. Shame is saying who you are is bad. This is destructive and causes future harm, to yourself obviously, but to others in your life as well. Shamed people shame people. Don’t allow your shame to fester, rot, or accumulate or it will impact others by you shaming or judging them.
After we strain our dishwater or cool our ashes, we spread them so we don’t concentrate them in one spot. The next step of dealing with shame or pain is the same. Find lots of people who can share a little bit of your story. Shame lives in secrecy. The best way to free yourself of shame or pain is to shed light on it rather than hide it. Unloading everything on one person can be too much. But by having good friends, a partner, family, a support group, a therapist and/or therapy group, etc you can share appropriate parts with trustworthy people, eventually freeing yourself of the burden, while not overtaxing one person.
If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too. – Brene Brown, TED Talk (linked above)
Doing what I do, I am exposed to the pain, shame, and trauma of lots of people. And of course I’m human too and create plenty of my own! I’m trained to work with these hazardous feelings and am better equipped than your average friend, but even I can’t hold that myself. And you too may have experienced more than your fair share of “yucky stuff,” so this tip can apply to you too. Over the years of doing therapy, I’ve assembled my own pain dispersal system. I have my own therapist, a men’s group, mentor(s), a peer consultation group, and several good male and female friends, a great relationship with my romantic partner, and spiritual practices and rituals that I can share and disperse my own pain and “yucky stuff” with. Due to confidentiality, I obviously can’t and don’t talk about other people’s details, but I certainly can talk about my own pain and how I am impacted by what I experience in my life. Often that is a better way to connect anyhow. People don’t always need to know the details, and often can’t even relate to your specific experience, but everyone can connect and empathize with the feelings you have. Get to the point, get real, and connect on your shared emotional human experience. And assemble a your own personal tribe of people so each person can handle a little bit, and nobody gets overburdened, especially the people closest to you.
When you don’t own your story, your story owns you. When you own your story, you are free to edit and re-author it any way you choose. When you don’t own your story, it controls your feelings and behaviors, often perpetuating the shame and pain. When you own your guilt, shame, or pain and spread it intentionally, it doesn’t harm you or anyone else. In fact, sometimes it can be a gift to teach others from your experience. But when you hold it, deny it, or repress it, it rots and overburdens you. It gets worse and will get spread unconsciously and possibly cause more harm to you and others in your life. With great circle of trustworthy people you can be real and vulnerable with, you can unburden yourself, without burdening others to free yourself up to write the next chapter of your life with more joy and ease. Spread it! Carefully and intentionally.
Bonus Videos on the Topic:
Here’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) expert Jon Kabat Zin speaking about this topic and to use mindfulness with these feelings.
And for a lighter more humorous look, here’s comedian Kyle Cease.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
This fall we are moving offices to have a larger space and putting a larger emphasis on group offerings. Here’s why:
1) In the seven years I’ve been in practice, I’ve been aware that the quality of relationships we have with people in our life is a very important component to health. Many complaints people bring to therapy are problems in relationship, or lack of relationships like feeling lonely, disconnected, isolated. While we can and do work on this in individual sessions, getting real time feedback from a variety of people with a variety of perspectives can be helpful to see your own part of the relationship challenge. Note that feedback is not the same as advice. Support groups and friends give advice. Expertly facilitated groups empower you to learn for yourself in real time through seeing others, getting reflections of how you are showing up, and seeing yourself more clearly through the guidance of the facilitator.
2) Many of us have been hurt in relationship with other people. Most often these come intentionally or unintentionally from parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners, co-workers, bullies, teachers, etc. A safely facilitated group provides opportunities to repair these wounds and have new experiences that were not possible with the people who harmed you in the first place.
3) Expanding further on the last point, through mutual agreements, we create a group of equally valuable and empowered people that you can learn to trust, and who can hold you and support you in whatever you are working through. Having a safe place to be fully yourself, in both your greatness and your challenges and being witnessed in your growth by multiple people who can understand you can create change that is much more powerful and sustainable than individual therapy with a professional alone. There has been much talk about community in recent years. And yet many groups fall short of creating a safe place where people can feel like they belong. A well facilitated group will give you a safe accepting community to be authentic and be challenged and supported to help you grow quickly.
4) I’ve been both a member of and led thousands of hours of groups. Before studying facilitation and group dynamics as I have, I thought groups were usually either scary or boring. After all the years I have been learning about groups, I love facilitating them now because there is always so much happening to work with. There is always something to learn! I utilize a blend of process made more transparent with mindfulness activities as well as bringing experiential dynamic exercises to help deepen awareness around how the patterns showing up now got created, and have been played out numerous times in your life, so that you can finally move past them and engage with life differently.
5) Lastly, group rates also tend to be lower than individual rates so in addition to being more powerful, groups are also more cost effective. If you are just looking for growth, a group alone may be what you need. Many people benefit from having both a group session and then an individual session to be able to process the group one on one and learn strategies to get the most out of groups. Either way, your experience and growth will be enhanced with a group.
If this sounds like it could be helpful, but you are still hesitant to join a group, give me a call and let’s discuss more. Everyone is welcome in whatever state they are in. Even if you are more of a withdrawn, shy, or introverted person, you will still benefit from attending, sharing minimally, and watching others doing their work. You can participate more when the time is right for you.
Here are the groups currently being offered. Currently the Men’s group only has 2 openings and the Adolescent group has a few. Contact me today to see which one will be most beneficial for you.
Come join with other men to explore your life and deepen your relationships. This group is for all adult men to gain additional support and feedback through interpersonal process and experiential exercises. Men are able to bring challenges, fears, doubts, questions, and learn by supporting others while being challenged and supported themselves. All topics and goals are welcome. Common themes are anger, depression, anxiety, personal identity, relationships, assertiveness, sex/sexuality/sexual orientation, disconnect from emotions, work problems, fatherhood, confidence/self-esteem, accountability, honesty, spirituality, and finding purpose and meaning in life. This group meets Tuesday evenings from 5-6:30. For more information, call Chuck today to see how this group can help you. 970-556-4095 or email [email protected].
This group provides teens with a place to discover and be their authentic selves and gain support from peers in a healthy expertly facilitated natural environment. Participants share, learn, and grow past current problems through nature and healthy relationship. We meet outdoors and utilize a blend of process, fun and adventure activities, hiking, mindfulness, and more. Find out more here.
A new offering by popular request! This group while similar to the long running adolescent group will focus more on slowing down with mindfulness, introspection, intuition, and creativity. We will utilize the process of council, mindfulness, movement, group and solo time in nature, and guided activities and ritual to deepen in connection to self, others, and the natural world. This group will surprise, challenge, and rejuvenate all who participate. Great for professionals, teachers, parents, and anyone looking to de-stress and refresh with nature. In addition to the weekly offering, stay tuned for day and weekend long programs to follow throughout the year. For more information, call Chuck today to see how this group can help you. 970-556-4095 or email [email protected].
To my current and future clients,
After 6 great years in the historic Stover Mansion, it’s time to grow. The biggest reason is that I am expanding my group offerings and I need more space to offer more groups and work more comfortably with couples and families. And I will be joining one of the oldest and experienced collaborative group of therapists in Fort Collins, allowing me to be more supported and continue to grow and collaborate with a great team and serve you better. I will however still be an independent organization, still be called Inner Life Adventures, and most importantly still be me.
I wanted to give you ample notice to help you prepare for the change and give you time to discuss and ask anything you need to know about this move.
The new space is in the Drake Professional Park which is centrally located just west of College Ave, across the street from the CSU Vet Hospital and right next to Cuppy’s Coffee shop. You can get in and out of the office park easily from the traffic light on Redwing Rd. There are also a few entrances directly off of Drake Rd. It is also easily accessible by the MAX transit route.
The new office will be larger, in a suite of offices with other practitioners, with a larger waiting area privately behind a closed door. It is also quieter, has more windows, and overlooks lots of trees.
The other practitioners in the group who will be in the same office suite are: Raina Denmark, PhD, Lauren Maples, PhD, Paul McClure, MS, and Aaron Meng, MD.
The address is:
343 West Drake Road
Suite 200
Fort Collins, CO 80526
There is much more parking available here. To find my office, go in the front door of the 343 building. You’ll find it where the arrow points below. Go upstairs or take the elevator. From the top of the stairs go to your right and Suite 200 is the first door on your left. You can help yourself to water and tea in the waiting area. I’ll find you there when it is time for your appointment. Please allow a few extra minutes for you to find the new space your first time there. All appointments will be held in this new space starting November 1, 2017.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns so we can discuss ahead of time. I look forward to continuing to serve you in this new space!
