Ego and Soul Image

Ego Psychology vs Soul Psychology 

January 15, 2026
feelings, goals, human, human experience, humanness, personal growth, self awareness

Ever since childhood, I’ve been interested in the depths.  Growing up in my family, church, and public schools, I always had a sense that there was more to what was happening than could be observed directly or stated explicitly.  As a child, however, I didn’t have the language to describe it, and worse, I thought I could not trust my own perception.  It has taken many years of study, my own personal psychotherapy, and work with many other people, different than me, to understand.  Because sometimes we don’t perceive things accurately, and sometimes we do. It does take work and discernment to sort out when our perceptions are accurate and when they are not.  Or you can skip that work and just believe what you are told, but as George Orwell stated in 1984: “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”  Regardless, it is important to recognize that what we perceive with our senses and what we perceive that is not perceived by our senses are two distinct realms.  

 

In addition to studies in Western psychology and popular evidence-based practices, I’ve studied Eastern traditions like Buddhism and spent 15 years engaged with Lakota rituals, which has helped me recognize that most Western psychology and interventions are ego-based and work primarily with what can be sensed in the material world, whereas indigenous and Eastern traditions cater to the ego much less, recognizing that there is something beyond the ego and that the ego’s wishes should not be what drives our life.   Interestingly, the etymology of the word psychology is the “study of the soul.”  But as happens, we forget, and the zeitgeist (spirit of the age) clouds our vision; thus, in the last century, ego-based psychology has dominated, which is more fitting and appealing to our ego-based culture.  

 

Ego and Soul ImageThis article examines the differences between ego-based and soul-based psychological work and why both are necessary at different times.  We should not conflate the two.

 

In our Western culture, ego-based psychology is most dominant and most needed because our systems don’t foster healthy ego development.  Many people have under-developed fragile egos or overdeveloped, domineering egos.  We can’t move beyond our ego effectively until we recognize and understand it, and develop sufficient healthy ego strength to set it aside from time to time.  

 

Soul-based psychology is about initiation. As I wrote about in my article on Jungian Analysis, soul-based psychotherapy starts with developing more healthy ego-functioning, because without a healthy functioning ego, we can’t navigate the world of showing up to work on time, having healthy interpersonal relationships, learning new skills and ideas, etc…. Prior to my Jungian studies, I had several teachers in Lakota rituals, chiefly the vision quest, which, on some levels, is about ego-death to recognize your place in the world with your soul’s unique gifts, and returning to your community to offer them.  Yet as one of my teachers said, the best preparation for a vision quest is to clean up your life.  Clean your house and car, make amends with people you have harmed, ensure all your affairs are in order, get rid of things you don’t need, and tell people you care about what they mean to you.   The ego work and personal work come first.   It’s not about the ego getting what it wants.  Both the soul and the ego are transformed by the process.  

 

Not everyone can or should engage in difficult ordeals such as the vision quest, but life provides ample opportunities for trials and ordeals.  It’s up to us to recognize them and relate to them in that way, rather than view it in a one-dimensional way that tries to get through it or out of it as quickly as possible without learning anything or being changed by it.  

High-level distinction between ego and soul-based therapy

Ego-based therapy

  • Oriented toward adaptation, functioning, regulation, and coherence
  • Assumes the ego should become stronger, clearer, and have more agency
  • Primary question: “How do we reduce symptoms and improve functioning?”

Soul-based therapy 

  • Oriented toward meaning, image, destiny, and transformation
  • Assumes suffering may be necessary, purposive, and initiatory
  • Primary question: “What is trying to be lived, experienced, or known through this?”

Or even more simply: 

  • Ego-based therapy asks: “How do we fix this?”
  • Soul-based therapy asks: “Why has this arrived now, and what does it want?”

 

It’s helpful to simplify and condense what I’m discussing to facilitate comprehension, but in practice, those questions remain too simplistic.  To fully understand, we would need to ask additional questions, such as: What do we actually envision or mean by “fixing it”?  For what purpose or intended outcome?  And why is that important to us?  And what might I gain or learn from this experience?  Even further, what thoughts, feelings, or actions am I unable or unwilling to experience that would be appropriate for the situation?  Ego-based therapy seeks to solve and move on, but to what end?  Often in our culture, it is about ending or avoiding pain or gaining something materially.  Soul-based therapy seeks to deepen understanding of life and to navigate it more richly at an intangible level.  

 

When it becomes excessive and problematic, ego-based therapy is invested in helping the ego get what it wants and feel better at all costs. The ego wants comfort, predictability,  sameness, and pleasure.  There is nothing wrong with any of those things, but when they become the primary goal, the process can be superficial and short-lasting, prompting further seeking for the next thing to try to feel better.  It’s why some people jump from one healing modality to another, trying to find the thing that will help their ego get what it wants.  At its worst, ego-based therapy breeds narcissism, enabling an already domineering ego to believe everyone around them is responsible for giving them what they want, making them feel better, and meeting their needs.

 

Soul-based work helps the whole person experience some degree of health, comfort, pleasure, and improved well-being, regardless of external circumstances.  Soul-based work doesn’t depend on a spa-like experience to feel good, where ego-based work does.  The ego wants what it wants, and it wants it now.  The soul is patient and willing to allow the ego to suffer a bit so that it can learn deeper lessons.  Don’t misunderstand, it’s not about a pervasive masochistic suffering, that is still ego-based.  And it is not about not trying to improve life for yourself and others.  It is holding a broader perspective and working steadily toward your purpose or calling, regardless of ego gratification or outcome.  

 

Because our ego is our seat of consciousness, it requires care and tending.  Too much harshness can cause wounding and disconnection from the soul and the world. But if we cater only to the ego’s needs, we’re trapped, as the ego prioritizes survival above all else. The ego’s self-preservation view wants to deny the reality of death, hardship, and ordeals that we all must also face as we live life in our bodies. 

 

In a moment, I’ll give a few examples of how an ego-based psychology and a soul-based psychology differ in their approach to specific situations.  But first, I want to remind you that we must have some level of ego health to engage in a soul-based paradigm.  Different ego psychologies have different definitions of what healthy ego functioning looks like, but to give you an idea, here are a few benchmarks.  

 

  • Some level of ability to be aware of, articulate, and differentiate between thoughts, feelings, intuitions, and actions.  Being able to accurately assess, feel, plan, and act.   Can have feelings, including strong feelings, without being overwhelmed by them, acting them out, or shutting down.
  • A healthy recognition of rules, social norms, and the consequences of not following them.  In some cases, the ability to deviate from them when necessary to align with ethics or morality, and a recognition of the consequences.  In other words, a healthy relationship with inner and outer authority. 
  • Ability to be appropriately assertive, not passive and withdrawn or overly aggressive.  Recognizing the proper time and place for yielding or asserting.   
  • Flexibility with serving in different roles in life.  Being firm in a role when necessary and flexible when appropriate.  In other words, taking appropriate action when necessary and refraining from action when prudent.
  • Recognition and appreciation of different forms of beauty, love, and eros.  Ability to create and engage with beauty in whatever forms call to you.
  • Being able to differentiate between inner fantasy and outer reality, and recognize the pros and cons of both.
  • Can tolerate some level of paradox and ambiguity.  
  • Has a capacity for various forms of relatedness.  For example: can sustain emotional closeness without losing oneself, can tolerate separation, difference, and disappointment, others are experienced as whole people, not objects or functions
  • Ability to reflect on the reasons for thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to understand why you have them, and why other people have different ones.  Can reflect on motivations, defenses, and relational patterns.  Curious rather than defensive about inner life.
  • Recognizing and appreciating different changes and cycles in life, such as life stages and roles. 

 

Again, these are ego-based abilities.  As we examine the specific examples below, you will see how ego-based interventions help develop these essential attributes.  Soul-based interventions help to see the broader picture beyond the immediate crisis.  And soul-based work is more about being with what is, whatever it is, relating to it, and learning from it rather than doing something about it and being overly invested in the outcome. We need both modes; we can’t neglect either.

 

We need attention to and care for both our ego and our soul to develop health and wholeness!

  • Soul-based work without sufficient ego strength leads to destabilization
  • Ego-based work without soul = emptiness, repetition, and spiritual deadness

Example: Panic attacks

Ego-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Panic is a maladaptive physiological/cognitive loop
  • Goal: symptom reduction and self-regulation

Interventions

  • Psychoeducation about the nervous system
  • Breathing and grounding techniques
  • Cognitive restructuring of catastrophic thoughts
  • Exposure to feared sensations

Therapeutic Language

“Your body is misinterpreting threat. Let’s help you regain control and reduce the panic.”

Success looks like

  • Fewer panic attacks
  • Increased sense of mastery
  • Return to normal functioning

Soul-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Panic is a breakthrough of the unconscious
  • Ego control is already failing for a reason

Interventions

  • Amplification of images and fantasies during panic
  • Tracking symbolic content (death, collapse, annihilation, rebirth)
    Relational holding rather than regulation
  • Exploration of life situations where the soul feels trapped or unlived

Therapist language

“Something in you is insisting on being felt. What happens if we don’t push it away?”

Success looks like

  • A shift in life orientation or values
  • Panic becomes meaningful, even if not eliminated
    Greater tolerance for ambiguity and depth

Example: Depression after a breakup

Ego-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Depression = loss + distorted thinking + withdrawal
    Goal: restore functioning and mood

Interventions

  • Challenging self-blame and hopeless beliefs
  • Social reconnection
  • Goal setting
  • Psychoeducation on relationships and communication

Therapist language

“Let’s help you get unstuck and rebuild your life.”

Success looks like

  • Improved mood
  • Re-engagement with work and relationships
  • Reduced rumination

Soul-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Depression = descent, mourning the loss of an identity or soul-image
  • Pathology may be the refusal to descend, not the descent itself

Interventions

  • Staying with emptiness, loss, grief, and deadness
  • Working with dreams 
  • Exploring who died in the relationship (not just who left)
  • Avoiding premature “rebuilding”
  • Establishing deeper relationship with oneself

Therapist language

“Depression may be asking you to stop becoming who you were.”

Success looks like

  • A deeper, humbler self-structure
  • New values emerging slowly
    Grief metabolized rather than bypassed

Example: Relationship conflict

Ego-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Conflict = poor communication or unmet needs

Interventions

  • Assertiveness training
  • Boundary setting
  • Needs and feelings identification
  • Effective communication and conflict-resolution skills
  • Psychoeducation on attachment styles (if an intimate relationship)

Therapist language

“What do you need, and how can you ask for it clearly?”

Success looks like

  • Fewer fights
  • Better negotiation
  • Clearer boundaries

Soul-based approach

Clinical stance

  • Conflict = archetypal pattern playing itself out
  • Partners are constellating complexes, archetypes, and gods in each other

Interventions

  • Recognizing projections and shadow material
  • Working with repetitive relational myths
  • Identifying other places in life these patterns appear – ie: family of origin
  • Group work (to recognize how these patterns show up with others – it’s not just about the specific person)

Therapist language

“Who is being met in the other—and who is being avoided in yourself?”

Success looks like

  • Increased symbolic awareness
  • Less blaming
  • Capacity to hold paradox in intimacy

In Soul-Based Work: 

  • Symptoms are symbolic communications
  • They may be necessary, purposive, or initiatory
  • Eliminating symptoms too quickly can abort the transformation – the ego wants to be done and move on.  In soul-based work, symptoms resolve on their own and recur less frequently as lessons are learned and a new relationship to life is developed, leading to long-lasting change. 

“The symptom is not the problem; the ego’s misunderstanding of it is.”

We need both ego-based work and soul-based work because traversing these challenges consciously teaches us lessons that evolve both our ego and our soul.  We miss that if our only goal is to survive and to end suffering as quickly as possible.   

Furthermore, we must function effectively in society.  Even in the archetypal hero’s journey, a pattern commonly observed in vision quests and soul-based initiations, there is a return to community.  We can’t return to the community and demand everyone sees the world as we see it and behaves how we want them to behave.  That’s narcissism.  And yet, if we do only ego-based work and learn only to be part of society, we miss the bigger picture and may be adjusting to unhealthy patterns in society.  

As Indian philosopher Krishnamurti famously said, “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” It seems he did not actually say that, but it is an accurate paraphrase.  What he actually said was, 

Is society healthy, that an individual should return to it? Has not society itself helped to make the individual unhealthy? Of course, the unhealthy must be made healthy, that goes without saying; but why should the individual adjust himself to an unhealthy society? If he is healthy, he will not be a part of it. Without first questioning the health of society, what is the good of helping misfits to conform to society?

Aldous Huxley, a close friend of Krishnamurti’s, also wrote a passage that is similar, contained in his book Brave New World Revisited (1958):

The real hopeless victims of mental illness are to be found among those who appear to be most normal. Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does. They are normal not in what may be called the absolute sense of the word; they are normal only in relation to a profoundly abnormal society. Their perfect adjustment to that abnormal society is a measure of their mental sickness. These millions of abnormally normal people, living without fuss in a society to which, if they were fully human beings, they ought not to be adjusted.  Source 

If you have seen the musical Hadestown, Huxley’s description of well-adjusted people who don’t struggle or suffer aligns well with the depiction of the workers who slave away to Hades in Hadestown.  In Hadestown, they have no name, no voice, and they don’t listen.  I’ll write a more thorough exploration of the symbolism in Hadestown in the future.  For now, I’ll just say this is a great illustration of ego psychology vs soul psychology.  The ego may be perfectly content as part of the collective and even unaware that it is suffering. Or it might simply continue working or staying active to avoid whatever awareness of suffering it does have.  But as the ego develops the capacity to listen and relate to others and to itself, especially in its own unique thoughts and feelings, and even more importantly to dreams and other ways the soul communicates, there is the possibility of freedom from enslavement in Hadestown.  

In summary, to truly heal or transform, the path goes much deeper than learning a few new tools or ideas.  It even goes much deeper than a weekend or weeklong retreat or a major rite of passage such as a vision quest.  Yet all of those are important.  It helps to be able to differentiate between what is of our ego and what is of our soul, or of some higher purpose.  We can’t ignore ego-based work, as individuation involves relating to others and engaging with the world.  But we can’t stop there either, as we may be getting caught in the collective culture of our times.  In fact, that is exactly what has happened with what most people think of when they think of psychology and the psychotherapy practiced from a modern Western perspective.  Collective culture engulfs individuals, causing them to lose themselves if not carefully navigated.  Yet purely rebelling against collective culture is a simplistic adolescent stance that creates more outcasts.  To find health and satisfaction in life for ourselves and our people, we must navigate the fine line between ego-based and soul-based work, while remaining engaged and returning to the world to help create greater health for others and future generations.   

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.

Individuation Is Not Individualism

October 8, 2025
community, feelings, group, growth, human experience, humanness, loneliness, personal growth, relationship, self awareness, self care, worth

Individuation Is Not Individualism
by Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC

As a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples, and groups, one of the most persistent yet least discussed themes I encounter is the tension between focusing on oneself and focusing on others. I’m also fascinated by how people relate to groups and how group influence shapes individuals. In our modern era, mass media and social media amplify this dynamic: it’s easy to absorb the ideas, beliefs, and emotions of the collective. Digital engagement—through likes, comments, and shares—magnifies one person’s voice into that of a group. Yet, paradoxically, one of the most common concerns I hear in therapy is, “I don’t want to just focus on myself.” Many prefer to look outward, often under the belief that it’s more altruistic and less selfish.

Music has been one of my greatest teachers in understanding this balance. Playing music in a group or band is an excellent metaphor. It requires individuals who have practiced their craft and developed skill, sensitivity, and awareness—people who can both listen and express. A musician who only focuses on others isn’t playing; they’re just listening. Likewise, a musician who only focuses on themselves can’t play something that fits rhythmically or harmonically with others.  Musicians who never attend to their own development won’t grow. Good music emerges when each person has cultivated their musicianship, can listen and express authentically, and can adjust fluidly in real time relationship to others. This is individuation.


Individualism, on the other hand, is doing whatever one pleases without regard for the group. It often derails collective harmony. But individuated people—those who know themselves, can listen deeply to self and other, and can contribute authentically from that place, which can create beauty that enhances everyone’s life. When we act from an unindividuated place, we lose creativity at best, trainwreck the group with our out of sync rhythm, or become consumed by the group unable to do anything but merely repeat its chorus. When the group itself is toxic, the results can be destructive as the toxicity is amplified.

When people say they don’t want therapy to be “just about themselves,” they raise a valid concern. A narrow focus on self to the exclusion of others can become pathological. The American Heritage Dictionary defines autism in part as “an abnormal absorption with the self; marked by communication disorders and disregard for external realities.” When we neglect the world around us and the validity of other people’s experience, we lose the relational grounding that keeps us human. But the reverse is also true—without self-understanding, it’s impossible to truly relate to others.

How can we learn to “play well with others” if we don’t first understand ourselves—our capacities, limitations, and relational patterns? Well-facilitated groups can help people develop both self-awareness and relational skill.

I sometimes wonder whether our cultural struggle with self-focus versus self-negation stems from our monotheistic heritage. The idea of “one god,” “one truth,” or “one right way” has deeply shaped Western consciousness—even among those who no longer believe in God. We still search for “the one” best answer, product, diet, or leader. By contrast, polytheistic and animist traditions honor multiplicity: many beings, many perspectives, and the relationships with and between them are the priority. This pluralism mirrors the inner world as well. Even modern systems like Internal Family Systems (IFS), which introduce multiplicity into psychology, can fall into a subtle monotheism by idealizing “Self energy” as the ultimate goal. It struggles to hold the tension in the paradox. While on one hand IFS proclaims there are “no bad parts,” it can hold a dogmatic agenda to increase the traits found in its limited definition of Self energy over other less shiny parts. 

An overfocus on the self is as problematic as neglecting it. The self is the only being we have 24/7 access to—the one we can truly know and influence. We can never fully know another person, but we can cultivate a deep, lifelong relationship with ourselves. To me, a healthy psyche can move fluidly between self-focus and other-focus, balancing both empathy and autonomy. When we either disregard or over-prioritize ourselves or others, I become curious about what may be causing that imbalance.


The myth of Narcissus offers a useful lens. Popular culture equates narcissism with self-absorption, but the story is richer than that. According to the myth, Narcissus was prophesied to “live a long life, so long as he never knows himself.” His mother, in a misguided attempt trying to protect him (a helicopter parent before there were helicopters), removed all mirrors from their home. Later in life, he rejected the love (and relationship) of all suitors, focusing only on his work.  Deprived of reflection, he had no way to know himself. When he finally saw his image, he was transfixed—not out of vanity, but out of deprivation. He didn’t know who he was, so when he first saw his reflection, he became enamored.  It was actually so important for him to see himself, that he was fixated in agony till he died on the spot. Having never been mirrored, he was starved for self-recognition. The tragedy was not his love of self, but the absence of it. True self-knowledge requires reflection from others; we come to know ourselves through relationship.

There is also widespread misunderstanding of Jung’s concept of individuation. Many equate it with individualism or believe focusing on oneself is selfish. Often, this stems from discomfort with our own inner life. When we dislike what we see in ourselves, it’s tempting to turn outward, focusing on others under the guise of altruism. This “helping” can become a defense against self-contact. Since we can’t change others—especially if they’re unwilling—it’s ultimately ineffective.

Individuation means developing a conscious relationship with all aspects of oneself—our diversity, contradictions, and complexity. While we may never know ourselves completely, we have the best chance of doing so because we are the only person we live with every moment of our lives. And it can’t happen without relationships to others, and the whole point is actually healthier relationships to others and a decrease in falling into a mutual unconsciousness.  And, of course, living life as fully as possible with our unique constellation of gifts, strengths, weaknesses, shadows, and limitations, while being engaged with people and society at large. Individuation unfolds through relationship; it’s not isolation. Its purpose is more authentic connection—with others and with life itself. And since we can’t change others, focusing solely outward is futile; our most profound work begins within.

Groups can profoundly influence individuation—for better or worse. When a group aligns with our true self, it can be supportive, affirming and transformative. When it doesn’t, it can distort or suppress individuality. Today, more than ever, we need deep self-understanding to resist the pull of groupthink. This happens through a greater focus on yourself and your relationship to others, not less of either. True individuality strengthens community; it doesn’t oppose it. Through music groups and therapy groups, I’ve witnessed how collective work can deepen individuation—helping people become more grounded in themselves while staying in meaningful connection. Real relationship requires difference. Without difference, there’s only sameness or fusion, not fruitful connection. Individuation allows us to be distinct and related at once.

Jung himself emphasized this balance. In “The Psychology of the Transference” (Collected Works, Vol. 16), he wrote that as internationalism and the weakening of religion erode traditional boundaries, humanity risks dissolving into “an amorphous mass.” The antidote, he said, is “the inner consolidation of the individual,” which must happen consciously. Otherwise, we risk becoming “soulless herd animals governed only by panic and lust.” But Jung warned that individuation doesn’t mean spiritual aloofness; it must “cling to human relationships as to an indispensable condition.” True inner unity depends on conscious fellowship with others. (Jung’s full text in context is quoted below.)

In the end, individuation is both an inner and outer process—a deepening relationship with self and a more authentic connection with others. Neither can exist without the other. The goal isn’t isolation, but integration: to live fully engaged in the world, with awareness of our unique gifts, shadows, and limitations, in relationship with the wider world.

—
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy—a mindfulness-based, body-centered approach. He integrates depth psychology and nature-based (ecopsychological) perspectives to explore the interplay between conscious and unconscious patterns in relationship to the world. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration, providing insight and a vessel for transformation. With over a decade of experience leading men’s interpersonal process groups, therapy groups, wilderness programs, and rites of passage, he is highly trained in trauma treatment, mindfulness, and somatic therapy. He continues his study of psychoanalytic work through JPA in New York and is licensed in Colorado and New York.

 

If you enjoy reading Jung directly, here are a few paragraphs illustrating his take on this: 

 

[443]…Increasing internationalism and the weakening of religion have largely abolished or bridged over these last remaining barriers and will do so still more in the future, only to create an amorphous mass whose preliminary symptoms can already be seen in the modern phenomenon of the mass psyche. Consequently the original exogamous order is rapidly approaching a condition of chaos painfully held in check. For this there is but one remedy: the inner consolidation of the individual, who is otherwise threatened with inevitable stultification and dissolution in the mass psyche. The recent past has given us the clearest possible demonstration of what this would mean. No religion has afforded any protection, and our organizing factor, the State, has proved to be the most efficient machine for turning out mass-men. In these circumstances the immunizing of the individual against the toxin of the mass psyche is the only thing that can help. As I have already said, it is just conceivable that the endogamous tendency will intervene compensatorily and restore the consanguineous marriage, or the union of the divided components of the personality, on the psychic level—that is to say, within the individual. This would form a counterbalance to the progressive dichotomy and psychic dissociation of collective man. 

[444] It is of supreme importance that this process should take place consciously , otherwise the psychic consequences of massmindedness will harden and become permanent. For, if the inner consolidation of the individual is not a conscious achievement, it will occur spontaneously and will then take the well-known form of that incredible hard-heartedness which collective man displays towards his fellow men. He becomes a soulless herd animal governed only by panic and lust: his soul, which can live only in and from human relationships, is irretrievably lost. But the conscious achievement of inner unity clings to human relationships as to an indispensable condition, for without the conscious acknowledgment and acceptance of our fellowship with those around us there can be no synthesis of personality. That mysterious something in which the inner union takes place is nothing personal, has nothing to do with the ego, is in fact superior to the ego because, as the self, it is the synthesis of the ego and the supra-personal unconscious. The inner consolidation of the individual is not just the hardness of collective man on a higher plane, in the form of spiritual aloofness and inaccessibility: it emphatically includes our fellow man.

[445] To the extent that the transference is projection and nothing more, it divides quite as much as it connects. But experience teaches that there is one connection in the transference which does not break off with the severance of the projection. That is because there is an extremely important instinctive factor behind it: the kinship libido….Kinship libido—which could still engender a satisfying feeling of belonging together, as for instance in the early Christian communities—has long been deprived of its object. But, being an instinct, it is not to be satisfied by any mere substitute such as a creed, party, nation, or state. It wants the human connection. That is the core of the whole transference phenomenon, and it is impossible to argue it away, because relationship to the self is at once relationship to our fellow man, and no one can be related to the latter until he is related to himself.

[446] If the transference remains at the level of projection, the connection it establishes shows a tendency to regressive concretization, i.e., to an atavistic restoration of the primitive social order. This tendency has no possible foothold in our modern world, so that every step in this direction only leads to a deeper conflict and ultimately to a real transference neurosis. Analysis of the transference is therefore an absolute necessity, because the projected contents must be reintegrated if the patient is to gain the broader view he needs for free decision.

[447] If, however, the projection is broken, the connection—whether it be negative (hate) or positive (love)—may collapse for the time being so that nothing seems to be left but the politeness of a professional tête-à-tête. One cannot begrudge either doctor or patient a sigh of relief when this happens, although one knows full well that the problem has only been postponed for both of them. Sooner or later, here or in some other place, it will present itself again, for behind it there stands the restless urge towards individuation. [448] Individuation has two principal aspects: in the first place it is an internal and subjective process of integration, and in the second it is an equally indispensable process of objective relationship. Neither can exist without the other, although sometimes the one and sometimes the other predominates. This double aspect has two corresponding dangers. The first is the danger of the patient’s using the opportunities for spiritual development arising out of the analysis of the unconscious as a pretext for evading the deeper human responsibilities, and for affecting a certain “spirituality” which cannot stand up to moral criticism; the second is the danger that atavistic tendencies may gain the ascendency and drag the relationship down to a primitive level. 

 

From (Collected Works of CG Jung, Volume 16.  Practice of Psychotherapy in the Essay Psychology of the Transference.  Emphasis mine.)

 

Emotions and Feelings 101 (and maybe 102)

March 22, 2023
anger, anxiety, depression, feelings, relationship, self awareness, shame, trauma

Emotions, feelings, moods, all the same thing.  Right?  Not at all.  And understanding our feelings is so foundational to understanding ourselves and being able to heal in therapy I thought it would be helpful to put together this quick guide to share with clients to help you gain more understanding of your own human system.  There’s much more detail to all of this, but hopefully, this guide will help get the gist of what is happening inside you.

 

Our brains have evolved over thousands of years.  Some parts of our brains we share with reptiles, some with other mammals, and some are unique to humans alone.  Generally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are the most basic and most similar to reptiles.  As you move upward, your brain gets more sophisticated.  The lower parts of our brains are designed to keep us alive.  The upper parts help us connect with others, communicate, understand, and make meaning of life.  These are the parts that make us different from other animals.  But we also need to understand how the lower parts of our brain affect us too!

From: http://erikmessamore.com/what-is-emotion-regulation-and-how-do-we-do-it/

 

Emotionally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are responsible for instinctual survival functions in the face of a threat.  These are all actions that usually happen without our consciousness involved because the impulsive instinctual brain is faster than our cognitive brain.

 

Fight – get stronger and attack the threat

Flight – get away from the threat

Freeze – don’t move, play dead, so hopefully, the threat will go away

Fawn – act pleasing, innocent, harmless, and endearing so the threat doesn’t see you as a threat to avoid the conflict


Where our lower brains are not so smart is that in modern-day, the threat isn’t usually a tiger or assailant but could be a look from someone, a social media post, a raised voice from a friend or family member, an insult, or any number of things that raise our hackles in big or small ways.  Our brains sometimes respond in one of the above survival ways when our survival isn’t being threatened at all, especially if we have had past exposure to traumatic events.  

 

These four survival emotions get a little more sophisticated as we move to the mid-brain and with a little more awareness, they get shaped into the basic emotions that all humans in all cultures experience.  These emotions exist to help us relate to other people.  Different researchers have categorized them differently, but I like to use the five basic emotions that mostly rhyme to help people remember them.  MAD, SAD, AFRAD (afraid), GLAD, SHAME/GUILT.  Shame and guilt feel similar, but are two different things. Shame means I’m bad (unhealthy), guilt means I did something bad (healthy) to help us have remorse and repair.  

 

Notice most of these are what most people call “negative” feelings and only one is “positive.”  I think we evolved like this for a reason, to help us avoid doing things that cause us or people we care about harm.  But unfortunately, it leads to a negativity bias in our brains and a positivity bias in our external relationships trying to balance out the scales.  In reality, we need all of these feelings so there is no such thing as a positive or negative feeling.  They are all helpful information to help us understand our inner and external worlds.

 

If you can get a solid grasp of being able to feel and identify when you are feeling the 5 basic emotions, you have most of what you need to be an emotionally intelligent human being.  Being able to communicate emotions with others helps us to relate and connect with others, to understand and be understood, and to be able to give and receive support.  I consider this to be a foundational human skill.  As our relationships get more complex and we get better at communicating, we have need for more precise emotional words, so psychologists have invented various versions of the emotion wheel to show how these basic emotions get more nuanced.  

 

Some of these feelings can overlap, and we can feel multiple emotions at the same time.  So don’t misunderstand the wheel to be the ultimate truth.  See if you can find your own language for your own expression of your emotions.

Emotion Wheel

From: https://practicalpie.com/the-emotion-wheel/

 

As you can see, our feelings can go from quite simplistic and primal survival to emotions of relating to quite complex and nuanced.  That’s why it’s important to distinguish between emotions and feelings.  Emotions can sometimes feel big and overwhelming.  Almost as if the emotions have us more than we have them.  Feeling overwhelmed by emotion often comes from little awareness and understanding of emotions and triggers for them.  As we gain more awareness and skill, we can be a person having our emotions rather than our emotions having us.  This increase in awareness and distance from the raw intensity of emotion combined with thoughts turns them into feelings.  Feelings are very important information.  They help us make decisions about what is right for us and what we need to stay away from and can lead us to conscious action and/or communication.  

 

When we are consumed with emotion, we often don’t have access to critical thinking or discernment that is available when we are feeling.  Sometimes we even act out of an emotion, such as yelling at someone (anger/fight) or distancing ourselves or avoiding something (fear/flight) or going numb (fear/freeze).  This usually happens with little consciousness or choice.  So we are acting out an emotion (doing) rather than feeling and communicating about a feeling which is usually more helpful.

 

The more consciousness we bring to ourselves, the more choice we have to understand and act appropriately.  And we can often increase the time between the stimulus that causes the emotion and the response (impulsively or consciously) to act in a more appropriate way.  Without awareness, we respond impulsively or emotionally, which might cause more harm than good.  

 

Here’s a chart I made to visualize the process I’m talking about.  

As you can see, doing, feeling, and thinking follows the evolution of the brain.  Reptiles do without awareness or feeling.  Mammals have the ability to feel and relate to others but may not have words and thoughts like humans. Humans have all of the above with the addition of complex language and cognitive abilities.  One function isn’t necessarily better than another; we need them all.  Thinking can help us make sense of and respond more effectively to our emotions and feelings.  But when used to excess without connection to feeling or emotion or action, thinking can also disconnect us from ourselves, our life, and others.  So thinking, too has to be used and responded to appropriately, just like emotions. We need doing, feeling, thinking, and being all accessible to us at the right time and place.  

 

Further, overthinking and rumination often lead to a stuckness of emotion or feeling, which leads to moods.  Moods are more generalized, pervasive emotional states that can last days, weeks, months, or even years.   Emotions come and go, just like the weather.  When we try not to feel them by suppressing or repressing them, they can get stuck and lead to moods.   Unpacking moods, like being depressed, can take time to really understand all the inputs from both present and past experiences as well as the unnamed unexplored feelings that comprise the mood. 

 

As I said, this is a quick overview of our emotional systems.  There is some more information in the links above.  There’s a bit more to it, and some of this is a broad generalization to help distinguish what is happening. Understanding these basics help tremendously to help you understand yourself and others.  People often think that our thoughts control our feelings; and they do to some extent. But our survival instincts and the basic raw emotions that evolved out of them can be much more powerful than our thoughts.  Just try to control your feelings with thoughts when you get dumped by a partner you really cared about, lose a job that you loved, get into a physical fight, or anything else that touches into our survival needs.  

 

The way I see it, our thoughts and feelings and actions are all in relationship to each other, all equally valid, no one mode is more important than the other.  The more you understand what is happening inside of you and outside of you and have awareness of what emotions and feelings are being experienced, the more you can engage your full self and your relationships to prevent things from spiraling out of control into overwhelm,  unconscious action, or a stuck stagnant mood.   

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

 

Opening in Men’s Group

November 22, 2021
anger, anxiety, community, coping skills, feelings, goals, group, masculinity, men, mindfulness, personal growth, relationship, self awareness, self care, self esteem, stress reduction, therapy

If you’ve been wanting to join the Men’s Group, good news! There are two openings for new members in our Men’s Interpersonal Process Group.

This men’s interpersonal process group can help you get more real, more honest with yourself and others propelling you into deeper relationships and deeper success through challenge and support by other men. It is a real-time lab, where you will experience yourself and others with greater awareness and be able to try new behaviors and ways of
relating to being more effective in your life.

All topics and goals are welcome. Common themes are anger, depression, anxiety, personal identity, masculinity, relationships with women and/or other men, assertiveness, sex/sexuality, disconnect from emotions, work problems, fatherhood, confidence/self-esteem, accountability, honesty, spirituality, and finding purpose and meaning in life.

This group has been running weekly for the past 5 years facilitated by Chuck and over a decade prior to that facilitated by a psychologist who retired passing it on to Chuck. The long-running stability, diversity of age, background, and experience of the members, and experience of the facilitator are rare.


The ideal man will have had previous or current experience in therapy or other personal growth, but motivation and desire for greater self awareness will also enable you to benefit if this is your first growth experience.


All men are welcome in this group. You are welcome with all of your struggles, your gifts, your challenges, your gender, your sexuality, your personality, your pain, your shame, your questions, your desires.


All of you are welcome here!
Tuesday Evenings
5:00-6:30

$50 per group. 8 week minimum commitment, but most people will want to continue on long term for the support, authentic relationships, and unique opportunity to grow with a safe, established, circle of men and trained, experienced, professional facilitator.

Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC. Chuck has over a decade of experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness,
somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.

What Brings True Peace? Coping vs Thriving in a Chaotic World

March 3, 2021
coping skills, human, personal growth, self awareness, self care

Thankfully, there is no shortage of advice available on how to reduce stress and have more peace.  In our (over) information age, practically any mainstream media, social media, and all the flavors of helpers have made clear the benefits of mindfulness, yoga, exercise, and ….

Yet for some reason, people are still struggling, in some ways more than ever!  Why is that?


Yes, you could point to the pandemic along with social and political upheaval, however if we are really honest, you’ll see these problems existed long before 2020.  In the Interpersonal Process Men’s group I run, whenever someone would start to blame the pandemic and social isolation, I would ask, “So which of these problems that you are struggling with the most are new since the start of the pandemic?”  The answer was always none of them.

When I get new clients who have been following all the media advice, the first sessions sometimes sound like, “I know I just need to meditate more, or exercise more, or talk to my partner about it, and it will all be fine.”  That’s not wrong, but it ignores the fact that something is keeping them from actually doing it, and worse it can be turned into a “should weapon.”  That is “I should do this, I know this, what is wrong with me for not?”

Further, all of these skills fall into the category of “coping skills.”  These are things that you can do either immediately or proactively reduce stress and live a healthier life.  They don’t, however, actually change any of the deeper patterns that create high levels of stress in the first place.  I’ve worked with many highly educated, top-of-their-field type people who have very disciplined self-care and meditation practices, yet are still struggling and suffering deeply.  The higher you climb, and the higher the stress, the more coping skills become a band-aid, not a cure.

Side note: if you don’t have effective coping skills, you definitely need them.  See this article for some of my favorites.

So what brings true peace then?  In my experience, it is knowing yourself deeply, which includes knowing your human ego and what influences it, as well as knowing your soul and being in harmony with yourself.  This means disarming the critical voices and being able to love and see the value of all parts of us. Once we know these things, we can then live in better balance and alignment with our values and purpose.  This does not mean retreating from society, changing careers, having a better education, or a better-paying job.  Rather, it means you know how to engage fully with life, effectively coming from a place of knowing and trusting in yourself.

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

― Albert Camus

Fully knowing yourself and achieving a fuller consciousness happen through living life and through honest self-reflection and self-appraisal, which can only occur in the context of a relationship with others.  If we do it alone, we stay stuck because we can’t see our blind spots.  Meditation and mindfulness is a great start and an essential tool.  But it doesn’t fully illuminate all parts of ourselves like being in a therapeutic relationship with a trusted mentor, guide, therapist, or friend.

So, don’t just settle for coping while adding more and more self-care to your busy schedule, especially if you then don’t get it done and beat yourself up about it.  Healthy coping and self-care routines are a great start and necessary foundation, but eventually you’ll need to get off the treadmill and carve out the time to truly know yourself in your shadow and in your brilliance.  And then you will be free to thrive in the world, no matter what challenges are thrown at you.  

 

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.