If you have not yet watched season one of Pluribus, go do it. I’ll try to keep the spoilers to a minimum, focusing on the archetypal patterns we are all facing today. You really should go watch it for yourself and do your own reflection. This is written after the end of season one, so some plot points may change as more episodes are released.
Show synopsis: “In a world overtaken by a mysterious wave of forced happiness, Carol Sturka, one of the immune few, must uncover what’s really going on – and save humanity from its artificial bliss.”
It begins in a remote place. With people really hungry to discover something. They asked what it means when the day comes that they finally discover something. They are excited in their frantic efforts to decode it. They are clueless about the danger that is in store.
Not too long after, suddenly, everybody in the world is now “all one.” All except 12 random people scattered across the world who are somehow immune to “the turning” to join the collective hive mind. Much like our digital hive mind, which has been rapidly growing over the last 30 years, everyone in the collective has access to everyone else’s knowledge. Suddenly, everyone knows literally everything and how to do everything, including medical procedures and flying airplanes.
Most interestingly, the collective is very nice. They give the 12 survivors literally anything and everything they want. All they want in return is for the remaining 12 to consent to join the collective. They honor their sovereignty, but they do want them to join them.
The number 12 symbolizes completeness and cosmic order, often associated with significant concepts such as the 12 months of the year, 12 signs of the zodiac, and 12 disciples. It represents a balance of energies, including the combination of masculine and feminine traits. Perhaps an indication that the 12 foundational archetypes are still present in the world and will be available to correct the situation, despite the catastrophic leveling that occurs.
The main character, Carol, is a reluctant, chaotic, alcoholic hero who wants to save the world and restore it to its former state. At first motivated by her grief and loss, which eventually gave way to loneliness. She begins befriending the collective and settling into the new normal. Eventually, though, she recognizes all that is lost and the moral problems obscured by the collective’s kindness, and she starts to investigate, discover, and analyze everything she can about them, hoping to find a way to set things straight.
Of the other 12, we one meet a few in any detail. Each is practically a one-dimensional archetypal character. Carol initially tries to recruit them to help her restore the world. None of them is willing to help; each of them is content, now that the collective willingly gives them everything they have ever wanted. Getting everything we want causes complacency. Why would we want to give up having what we most want? One guy exemplifies this the most clearly. He is a man-child, enjoying the luxuries of material riches, private jumbo jets, luxury penthouse suites, beautiful women, and parties.
Another woman still has her son (in appearance only, he is part of the collective), and won’t help because she believes her only role is to mother him. She calls Carol angrily whenever something happens that upsets him. When the only goal is not to upset the children, we miss key aspects of development that are necessary for the maturation of both parents and children. It’s even more striking commentary as an image when we recognize that the mother only wants to possess her child and not ever upset him, and that he is not an individual person with his own dreams and purpose that are being cultivated, he is unable to think or feel for himself and only plays a role that the mother and the collective demand of him.
Each of us is a complex person, not an archetype. We hold many roles, many ways of being in the world. Whenever we are reduced to a one-dimensional archetype, we are possessed, unable to access the rest of our humanity. A mother is much more than a mother, a father is much more than a father, and a worker is much more than a worker. We have to recognize when we are being reduced to an archetype, or when we willingly claim one, because it limits our consciousness and potential actions and cuts us off from our wholeness.
Towards the end of the season, one character, Manousos, who initially refuses contact, eventually becomes the only one willing to help save the world when Carol has fallen into her own contentment to combat her loneliness and grief. He refuses all food and contact, sacrificing greatly to clearly define the situation and make a plan to fight the collective takeover. Only after emerging from a paranoid, withdrawn seclusion does he decide to join Carol, recognizing he can’t do it alone.
An extreme masculine archetype, he demonstrates rigidity, sticking to his beliefs and values, which strengthens his conviction and mission, but he is unable to relate to Carol and her care and relatedness to people, and is therefore ineffective. He has to soften and learn to relate to her. He wants to just kill everyone to solve the problem, but Carol, in her feminine Eros, still cares about the people underneath the collective brainwashed hive mind and wants to find a more subtle and skilled way to end the collective takeover and save as many people as possible. His values and convictions help snap Carol out of her slide into joining. Her relationality helps him recognize his extreme aggression. They don’t trust each other, but they need each other.
The show’s name, “Pluribus,” is part of the phrase, “e pluribus unum,” a Latin motto of the United States found on the Great Seal of the United States and all printed currency, which means ‘out of many, one’. The show is an excellent example dangers of the current misinterpretation of the phrase. The phrase was not intended to mean out of many – same. The founders of the US used the phrase to describe the joining of the 13 independent, distinct, individual colonies into a stronger alliance. As I have written about in previous articles on Individuation and groups, groups of people are stronger and richer when diverse individuals enter into healthy relationships and alliances. Much like a band, orchestra, or American football team, where everyone has different skills and different roles, something beautiful is created that would not be possible if everyone were the same. Yet, that is exactly how our culture has been moving – into sameness rather than relating through differences. Pluribus beautifully illustrates the sinister moral problems masked by sameness and kindness, exploiting people’s need to belong and avoid loneliness.
The show is beautifully written to illustrate how collective thought, behavior, and assumptions, as well as our own personal emotions, needs, wants, and desires, can guide us into extremely unhealthy positions and trap us there. It’s one of the many ways in which modern therapy has misguided us into prioritizing our personal feelings and needs. Some people and therapists even go so far as to believe that our personal feelings, needs, and beliefs are truths that others must abide by. The show also illustrates what happens when we take things at face value. What others say and show may look and sound good, but we always have to balance that with our own understanding of our own motivations, feelings, values, and morality. Our work is not to mindlessly join any collective thought based on how it sounds, appears, or feels, but rather to develop our own understanding, our own compass, and our own position while maintaining healthy relationality with others. It is not easy. The collective’s desire to consume and absorb others is strong and aligns perfectly with our wounds around belonging, isolation, and loneliness.
Again, here is the show synopsis: “In a world overtaken by a mysterious wave of forced happiness, Carol Sturka, one of the immune few, must uncover what’s really going on – and save humanity from its artificial bliss.”
Where have you experienced forced happiness or artificial bliss? Maybe you have even been told to be grateful, to count your blessings, to look on the bright side, and not to be such a downer by well-meaning friends, family, coaches, or therapists. And when and how do we cling to what little bits of happiness and bliss we experience, like every character in the show except Manousos? Don’t misunderstand me, it is important to be grateful and happy for things that warrant those feelings. And we can’t neglect our duty to “uncover what’s really going on.” At least in ourselves and our own lives. Not to just get excited by a new discovery as they do at the beginning of the show, but to take the time to discover what it really is and what the consequences may be. Manousos does take the time to discover what is really going on, but he too neglects an important part of the equation. This is a lesson too for what happens when we cling so rigidly to our ideals that we lose the ability to be relatable and cooperate with others, a much-needed skill to tackle problems in the world beyond our own personal lives.
We’ll see where Vince Gilligan takes the show in the future. But from my vantage point at this moment, Pluribus is a fantastic story of individuation and the development of individual character in relation to the collective. In individuation, all the characters are transformed by their unique souls’ needs. Carol is an engaged public figure, successful but not fulfilled in her career, just going through the motions. She wrestles with her own grief and clings to the past, temporarily falling for the seduction of getting what she wants, and eventually coming back to navigate what is best for both her and the world based on what she can offer. Manousos has to move out of his isolated, withdrawn position and learn to relate to someone who is completely different in culture and gender to form a healthy partnership that will fulfill both of them in their mission and individuation. Individuation – development into a whole, healthy presence in the world is different for everyone.
As with any great story, we can ask, who are we most like in the story, and where in the story are we? Are we like Carol? Manousos? Any random person in the collective? Identified with the mother archetype, man-child playboy archetype? Or any other one-dimensional archetypes illustrated, such as public figures, doctors, nurses, consumers, managers, loyal friends, or nameless, featureless extras? With careful reflection and an earnest desire to see ourselves, Pluribus offers a rich mirror for us in our current times.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness. Inner Life Adventures.
There are No Shortcuts Here: Forget TikTok attention spans and bullet points. This process takes time, and you can’t rush it. Your conscious “ego” isn’t the boss.
This will be a long article. It will be long because it is a broad framework, and much can be said about Jungian Analysis, Jungian-oriented psychoanalysis, or Analytic Psychology, as it is most often called, or Archetypal Psychology, as James Hillman developed from his Jungian training. However, I hope this will not be overly rambling, as is common in Jung’s writings. In the modern age, when attention must be captured in short TikTok bursts or in bulleted lists, I will do exactly as Jungian work does. I will go against the grain and take as much time as it takes to develop, share, and reveal as much as I can about the process with words. The ego is not in charge here. It cannot be shortened or simplified by ideas alone, as understanding Jungian work from a cognitive dimension is at best only 1/4 of the picture. It is counter-cultural and non-consumerist, in that there is no linear set of steps to follow, no specific set of diagnoses it treats (though there are certainly contraindications), no guaranteed outcome, and it can’t be reduced to a bullet-point list or described in a social media post.
It Evolves as We Evolve: Unlike some other theories, this approach recognizes that people and ideas evolve over lifetimes (even Jung contradicted himself repeatedly — this is a sign of growth, not a weakness of the theory).
I reserve the right to change my mind and describe it completely differently in the future. This is being written in December 2025, after about five years of study in Jungian Psychology and about eight years of my own analysis. This may sound like a lot of time, but I’ll be the first to admit I’m not fully cooked yet, and I’m still learning, growing, and being shaped by my studies and analytic process. Many people don’t take this much time, but everyone’s timeline is different. One of the reasons I’ve chosen to study this approach is that it recognizes that we grow, change, and learn over time. Every day, there is more to learn from life and from our unconscious, which for many presents itself nightly through dreams. But dreams are by no means the only way the unconscious presents itself to us. When you study Jung, you find many contradictions and conflicts as he refined his ideas and continued his own individuation. I believe we should all continue to grow and approach life differently as we mature. Most other theories in practice today don’t account for differences across the lifespan and try to apply the same theory and method to all people at all stages of life. This is short-sighted and disrespectful to the soul.
That said, there is an end goal, and this is the modern age. I’ll do my best to summarize and provide bold bullet-point headings so you can decide whether it is worth your time to go further. I’ll honor both the spirit of the depths and the spirit of the times in this way.
TL;DR: The Main Goal: It’s a custom-tailored, in-depth “initiation” that helps you relate your conscious self (ego) with your personal unconscious and the collective unconscious. The aim is to build a solid inner core, minimize “projecting” your stuff onto others, and recognize your unique role in the world. The core idea of Jungian Psychology is that people are in a constant process to try to be who they are, and when that process gets thwarted, as it does by countless obstacles, people become various flavors of neurotic and miserable.
There is no single good name for it because it is a diverse, in-depth process tailored to each client and therapist at each phase of life, and when it is most effective, it is born anew in each moment of each session. It aims to help each unique person develop a healthy relationship between their conscious ego and the unconscious, to develop a solid internal structure, which helps them project less onto others, be more effective in building healthy relationships, bring their unique gifts and contributions to the world, and recognize their place in the world. I’ve come to see it as a relational process of initiation into the depths of the self and the other (where the other includes other people, the world, the unknown, the unconscious, the not-understandable, the mysterious, etc. ). It is an initiation into the rich depths of both the inner and outer worlds, recognizing archetypal patterns and forces that possess us while recovering wholeness and humanness through individuation across the lifespan.
The primary aim of Analytical Psychology is to facilitate a durable and functional relationship between the conscious ego and the unconscious. As a diverse, custom-tailored process, its effectiveness lies in its capacity to continually renew itself within the unique relational field of the client-analyst relationship. This in-depth work fosters a robust internal structure, which reduces projection, enhances relational capacity, and facilitates the realization of the individual’s unique purpose. Fundamentally, it is an archetypal process of initiation into both the inner and outer worlds-a confrontation with the unknown that restores wholeness through the life-long journey of individuation.
If you want to unpack it all a bit further, let’s carry on:
It’s About Finding Your Own Language: Good analysis helps you learn the unique “symbolic language of your own soul,” rather than forcing you to speak the system’s jargon. Beware of therapists who think they have the answers for you or force you to learn their language!
If you ask other Jungian Analysts, you’ll get many different answers because the process recognizes the uniqueness and subjectivity of each person. When done well, it helps the client learn the unique symbolic language of their own psyche and soul.
Jungian thought has been integrated into many other psychological theories and pop-psychology without attribution (or with criticism). (I’ll refrain from a detailed discussion on how Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a scripted approach working with complexes — maybe in another article.) You may encounter vocabulary commonly used in Jungian thought, such as shadow, complex, persona, anima/animus, ego, psychological types, introversion, extroversion, alchemy, archetypes, projection, personal unconscious, collective unconscious, individuation, etc. In some ways, understanding the structure of the psyche through this vocabulary can be helpful. Still, it can also be a trap, as, without a relational guide to help us see what we can’t see in ourselves, this knowledge can keep us locked into an intellectual understanding alone, which keeps distant the development of the relationship between the ego and soul and the multitude of parts or complexes we contain. To me, any good therapeutic process does not require you to learn the language of its system to participate, but rather to find your own language to describe and understand your unique experience, and to work with and relate to it more effectively. It’s not about drinking anyone’s “Kool-Aid.” However, plenty of misguided therapists, including Jungians, may try to get you to do so, believing they have the answer for you.
It’s “Care for the Soul”: Jungian psychology gets back to the root meaning of “psychology” — the study of the soul — but it’s not tied to any specific religion.
While the movement in academia and business over the last century has been to specialize and silo schools of thought, Jung approached psychology from the perspective that everything that humans have developed has come through the psyche; therefore, psyche and psychology are integrated into everything and found everywhere, and everything has been shaped by psychology. Rather than claiming a single school of thought as the one right way, this system works to integrate diverse systems, just as the diverse ecosystems that make up our planet do. Furthermore, Jung’s psychology stays close to the etymology of the word , which means “study of the soul,” or in other words, Jungian therapy can be seen as care for the soul.” But not from any religious or spiritual tradition, but a care for the soul that recognizes that each person has their own unique path that their soul is on, that may or may not involve a particular spiritual orientation.
James Hillman in Re-Visioning Psychology writes:
“ Soul is rediscovered, and with it comes a rediscovery of human-kind, nature, and world. One begins to see all things psychologically, from the viewpoint of the soul, and the world seems to carry an inner light. The soul’s freedom to imagine takes on preeminence as all previous divisions of life and areas of thought lose their stark categorical structures. Politics, money, religion, personal tastes and relationships, are no longer divided from each other into compartments but have become areas of psychological reflection; psyche is everywhere “ (Re-Visioning Psychology, p. 196).
Why the Name “Jungian” is a Problem: Jung didn’t want a “school” or followers because he didn’t want the work to become dogmatic or rigid. The name risks drawing attention to Jung himself rather than the actual process.
Since the model is based on reclaiming and integrating diverse ways of being, and because every person’s journey is unique and requires different methods and approaches, it is difficult to name. That is probably why people call it Jungian Psychology after the founder. However, this is problematic because Jung did not want a school and didn’t want Jungians to follow him. Yet he eventually agreed to establish a school because he recognized the need for in-depth training to undertake such work. Furthermore, Jung, in the transparency of his own process, made numerous mistakes, which people like to latch onto and discredit everything he wrote. The danger of calling it Jungian is exactly what Jung tried to avoid with his system: he didn’t want it to become dogmatic or codified in any way, which can happen when people focus more on the originator and/or his words than on the process he was describing. A finger pointing to the moon is not the moon, as they say. And the process of sorting what is useful from what is not helpful in our own lives and in what we read is something we all must do.
As we each travel our own unique paths, we can better understand ourselves and one another by examining diverse ways of seeing the world. We all see it differently. This was analyzed using the theory of psychological types. That is, we all have different strengths and weaknesses in thinking, feeling, sensing, and intuition, and the combination of these creates different ways of seeing and interacting with the world. They are not static and fixed; they are fluid and dynamic, and, in fact, we deepen our understanding of ourselves and each other by developing the areas in which we are weaker. In reality, Jung himself recognized that the system was incomplete, but it served as a starting point for understanding how different modes of perception shape consciousness. Modern conversations about consciousness often exhibit a one-sided bias toward either Eastern spirituality or Western science. Still, consciousness is not a monolithic phenomenon over which any discipline, school, or tradition can claim ultimate authority.
The “Blind Men and the Elephant” Parable: This image vividly illustrates how different schools of psychology (and people in general) grasp one piece of the truth and mistake it for the whole. Jungian psychology tries to honor all those perspectives.
Because this approach encompasses the diversity of human experience and the unconscious, which, by definition, can never be fully known, the parable of the blind men and the elephant is a powerful image for illustrating what is happening in both Jungian psychology, the field of psychology as a whole, and in each of us as we try to relate to our psyche and unconscious. The story concerns a group of blind men who have never encountered an elephant and learn its nature by touching it. Each blind man feels only a different part of the animal’s body, such as the side or the tusk. They then describe the animal based on their limited experience, and their descriptions of the elephant differ. In some versions, they suspect the other person is dishonest and come to blows. The moral of the parable is that humans tend to claim absolute truth based on their limited, subjective experience while ignoring others’ equally valid subjective experiences.
It is easy to see how each branch of psychology and psychotherapy, such as cognitive, somatic, emotionally focused, trauma-informed, relational, developmental, behavioral, social, psychodynamic, personality, etc, has focused itself. We can easily become grandiose when we study only one system, believing we have the right way to understand people and the proper therapeutic methods. Just like each branch of science or religion can do the same. However, as the parable illustrates, they are all just different methods of describing the same thing from a limited perspective. When we become attached to a single right way and try to defend it, it can become violent and ruin relationships, creating further division. Jungian Psychology attempts to educate the practitioner from the perspective that all ways of seeing are valid, and that it is up to the therapist to understand their own ways of seeing and being, and how they compare and relate to the other, while guiding the client to find their own, without dogmatically telling the client what to do. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of work and education to appreciate and see things from many different perspectives.
It Avoids Being Too Bossy: It requires maturity on the part of both the client and the therapist to avoid the “authoritative trap” of wanting someone to give the “right way.” It teaches you to orient yourself.
We all want someone to tell us the right way sometimes, especially when we are at our lowest or most lost. But taking the time to learn to orient ourselves to ourselves and the world around us helps us avoid getting lost and teaches us how to navigate unfamiliar terrain in the future. It Works (Eventually). When we learn what works for us and how other things work for other people, it is much easier to navigate the world and the people around us. That is why there is evidence to suggest depth-oriented approaches and Jungian Psychotherapy in particular is effective in creating long-lasting change . Recognizing we each have things that work better for us, and everyone is different, is a much-needed perspective in our modern, divisive world, which brings more peaceful interpersonal relationships.
So Many Names, Still No Perfect One. Despite being involved in many different forms of Jungian study over the years, I’ve never heard a term to describe it that I really liked. In my quest for a better name for Jungian Analysis, I asked ChatGPT for suggestions, thinking maybe I just haven’t been exposed to the best term yet, but hopefully, in its infinite scouring of the internet, maybe it found a better term. It gave me many suggestions, all accurate in their own ways, and at the same time emphasising one blind man’s perspective — that is, describing one aspect of it at the expense of others. Here are some additional names that convey its various facets.
Relational Depth Work
Relational Jungian Therapy
Depth-Oriented Relational Therapy
Experiential Depth Psychotherapy
Intrapersonal & Interpersonal Depth Work
Relational Soul Work
Soul-Oriented Psychotherapy
Archetypal Soul Work
Symbolic Process Work
Inner Life Work
Psychospiritual Depth Work
Work with the Living Psyche
Soul-Centered Therapy
Archetypal Depth Work
Therapy for the Inner Journey
Shadow & Soul Work
Depth Psychology Counseling
Inner Work Psychotherapy
Unconscious Process Work
Dream-Oriented Psychotherapy
Symbolic Depth Work
Integrative Depth Therapy
Mythopoetic Psychotherapy
Imaginal Psychotherapy
Deep Inner Work Therapy
Transformational Therapy
Therapy for Personal Meaning
Therapy for Self-Discovery
Insight-Oriented Therapy
Mind–Body–Soul Therapy
Therapy for the Deep Self
Inner Exploration Therapy
Whole-Person Depth Therapy
As you can see, many names describe one facet, but no one name can describe it all!
Avoid One-Sided Thinking: The system’s value is in recognizing and avoiding “one-sidedness,” making room for the complexity of reality. This applies to Jung’s theories, the author’s thoughts, and other psychological theories (e.g., CBT, IFS).
For me, one of the most valuable parts of the theory and process is the recognition and avoidance of one-sidedness. Many of the terms fall into this trap. But that doesn’t mean we should avoid words or terminology altogether; we need them to describe and differentiate. And then it is up to us not to let them lock us into a rigid, one-sided, rational way of thinking about things. That includes all of Jung’s theories as well! Neither Jung nor his students have the correct answers, but they point to important things to examine and relate to. So bring all the criticism of Jung and my thoughts on the process! It’s needed! And apply it to all of the other theories as well! CBT, IFS, somatic, trauma-focused, etc…. They are all helpful to a particular person at one specific moment. And let’s see if we can gently pry things open a bit more to get some more space to breathe and maneuver before we get so one-sided and fixed into one way of being in the world. That includes being “Jungian!” I consider this a key essential skill in our increasingly polarized world.
At its core, the process is one of seeing through to the core. That is where the word analysis comes in. Many people have negative associations with the word analysis. Still, the process is one of taking apart, analyzing carefully, seeing what is happening behind the scenes, so that one can be put back together more completely and function more smoothly without being derailed by habitual thoughts, feelings, or patterns. The negative views of analysis are worth unpacking in themselves. The world’s complexity and diversity, and his continued development and evolution throughout his life, account for the extensive rambling and diversity of thought in Jungian writing. However, it is aimed at seeing through, in whatever dimension the client is coming from or needs to work with, what is occurring in life at that time. Most importantly, it helps people derive meaning from and learn from their suffering, thereby growing, developing, and gaining greater mastery over their lives.
“We don’t so much solve our problems as we outgrow them. We add capacities and experiences that eventually make us bigger than the problems.” — C.G. Jung
Relational Aspects are Key: The work on alchemy shows that Jung’s ideas were very relational. The goal is to see past the personal drama to the deeper, “archetypal core” of your relationships.
In The Mystery of Human Relationship, Jungian Analyst Nathan Schwartz-Salant writes:
“In a sense, the alchemical way is one in which the analyst sees with the larger vision of the self; the scientific way is one in which he or she sees through the vision of the ego. The alchemical way sees through the eyes, whereas the scientific way sees with the eyes. Whereas the scientific way cannot encompass both opposites at the same time, the alchemical way can encompass both opposites simultaneously by situating them in a middle realm, the subtle body or the interactive field, the very existence of which scientific thinking denies” (p. 98–99).
Because of the collective cultural biases of our time and the introverted nature of many people who are drawn to Jung, the relational aspects of Jung are sometimes overlooked. Science is very important to much of our world, but it is one of many ways of seeing, all of which are important. Jung’s writings on alchemy and the Rosarium Philosophorum are foundational and closely aligned with the relational schools of psychoanalysis that emerged later in the century. But again, the key is that in a Jungian Analysis, we don’t get caught in the personal, but see through to the archetypal core of the dynamics at play in relationships with the analyst, intimate partners, family, and friends. It’s not about the ego’s desires, feelings, or unmet needs. Yet, being able to see and understand them, and their sources, can help reduce the extent to which they compel us and drive our lives.
It’s All About Individuation: This is the process of developing a relationship between your ego and your Self/soul to become your most whole self. It’s about letting the ego be a healthy part of you — no more, no less.
Lastly, as I’ve explored in other writings, Jungian Analysis is about aiding someone’s process of individuation. Individuation is a process of developing a relationship between the ego and the Self/soul, and all of the multitude of different parts of ourselves, which allows us to become as much of our full, whole self as possible in this lifetime. Not trying to destroy the ego or transcend the ego, just letting it be what it is. No more, no less. This is relativizing the ego.
Don’t Become a Jerk: Individuation means being able to enjoy and relate well to people who are different from you, rather than becoming a self-absorbed, judgmental hermit or dominating others with your beliefs.
We need a healthy ego and relationships with others as we individuate, because if we become a misanthrope who distances from or judges others, we’re only continuing to project our shadow. A good Jungian analysis helps us to appreciate people who are different from us more, rather than creating more distance. It is a process of recognizing and detaching from being controlled by the influence of the other — of our upbringing, of the other person, and of the culture, collective beliefs, and the collective unconscious, while remaining in relationship to the world. If we attend only to ourselves and do not relate well to or care for others, especially those who differ from us, we become more narcissistic. But we also cannot be infected by others’ beliefs and feelings.
It’s an Experience, Not a Theory: All the words and theories are just maps. The process itself is an experience, an initiation into yourself, the world, and transformation, using the symbols that arise in your own life.
You Have What You Need: The answers are already within you; you just need to look, listen, speak, and live.
No matter how we describe the process, it is NOT being led by the client’s, therapist’s, or someone else’s ego, or by anyone’s conceptualization of how to live one’s life. While reading more about Jung’s theories can dangerously lead to following someone else’s path or to intellectualizing the process, it can be helpful to understand the map. However, we cannot mistake the map for the terrain. There is nothing inherently bad about maps or intellectualizing; we don’t want to diminish or prioritize thinking, feeling, sensing, or intuition in our approach to ourselves or the world. We need all of these ways of being. I’ve tried to put some words to it while minimizing jargon. Still, even these words, along with the writings of other Jungian-oriented scholars, are insufficient to describe the process thoroughly. There is no adequate name to describe it. It’s an experience. It’s an initiation. Into yourself. Into the world. Into life. And death. And the natural process transformation. Through the symbols that present themselves to you in your one unique and precious life. You already have everything you need. You don’t need to look outside yourself for answers. They are right there. You just have to look. You just have to listen. And speak. And live.
Chickpea to Cook
Rumi — Translated by Coleman Barks
A chickpea leaps almost over the rim of the pot
where it’s being boiled.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’
The cook knocks him down with the ladle.
‘Don’t you try to jump out.
You think I’m torturing you.
I’m giving you flavor,
so you can mix with spices and rice
and be the lovely vitality of a human being.
Remember when you drank rain in the garden.
That was for this.’
Grace first. Sexual pleasure,
then a boiling new life begins,
and the Friend has something good to eat.
Eventually the chickpea will say to the cook,
‘Boil me some more.
Hit me with the skimming spoon.
I can’t do this by myself.
I’m like an elephant that dreams of gardens
back in Hindustan and doesn’t pay attention
to his driver. You’re my cook, my driver,
my way into existence. I love your cooking.’
The cook says,
‘I was once like you,
fresh from the ground. Then I boiled in time,
and boiled in the body, two fierce boilings.
My animal soul grew powerful.
I controlled it with practices,
and boiled some more, and boiled
once beyond that,
and became your teacher.’
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.
Individuation isn’t a solo project—it’s a shared journey of showing up for yourself and others.
In our modern age, how many of us truly have a place where we regularly meet with others to build ongoing relationship? Not just a place where we see familiar faces or exchange pleasantries, but a space where we share and listen personally -authentically, honestly, and vulnerably-so that we can be seen and known, and in turn, see and know others.
The Illusion of Connection
Perhaps you’re someone who, through the gift of extroversion or fortunate life circumstances, has a strong social circle. You might see one another often enough to feel cared for and supported by the community. Yet how many of these circles include -not only demographic diversity, but differences in worldview, politics, religion, relationship status, and belief? Most of us tend to surround ourselves with people who are more like us than not.
The importance of relationships that unfold over years, not just days or months, has been apparent to me throughout my life. In an era of technological “connection,” the reality for most of us is a landscape of disconnection. This makes it all the more vital to have real, sustained relationships.
Social media tends to either reinforce our existing views or inflame us with opposing views, casting others as wrong or even dangerous. It takes intention to cultivate caring relationships with people who see the world differently from us.
The Limits of Temporary Community
Over the years, I’ve attended countless retreats, workshops, and classes that promised community. Many of them even use the word in their marketing. Yet something was always missing.
I’ve come to realize that, no matter how inspiring the experience or language, without an ongoing relationship, these offerings often perpetuate the same consumerist pattern that dominates our culture. We sign up, pay a fee, attend, perhaps feel nourished-and then return to our individual, isolated homes until it’s time to purchase the next experience we hope will fill the gap. Despite our digital connections and community-themed events, many people still feel profoundly lonely. It might feel good to see a familiar face, but it does not replace a sustained, authentic relationship.
What’s the Alternative? Real, Ongoing Relationship
Ongoing, authentic relationship with multiple people. In other words: a group.
Many religious and community organizations attempt to meet this need, but the community is often transient. People attend for a while and move on when it no longer meets their expectations, or worse, they must trade parts of their authentic selves to belong.
In most groups, belonging has a cost. The essential question is whether that cost is conscious and transparent or unconscious, requiring us to abandon parts of ourselves in order to stay connected.
Why Commitment Matters
That’s why I’ve been running men’s groups every week for over a decade, and more recently, an all-gender group that includes explicitly transpersonal elements. All of my groups require a screening to ensure participants are ready to make a real commitment to themselves and to others. Members agree to show up week after week, especially during an introductory period, because making and keeping commitments has become rare. Especially when things feel hard and awkward, and our sense of belonging is called into question. Ending relationships explicitly and intentionally is even more rare. And both are essential parts of relationships.
Group Therapy Office
It’s not uncommon for people to question why they should pay to participate in a group. I’ve had those same questions myself. However, over the years, I’ve come to realize that financial and attendance commitments help sustain investment, accountability, and awareness around our choices to show up or not, and to end relationships with intention. And it ensures the cost of belonging to the group is conscious, consensual, and is not enacted unconsciously through joining in a particular belief system.
Think about how often we cancel plans with a friend or therapist because we “don’t feel like going.” We might not even be fully honest with them or ourselves about our reasons, allowing the truth to remain unconscious. Yet being honest and exploring what’s behind our desire to avoid is often the more authentic way to show up for ourselves.
Some of the most generative moments in relationships and groups occur when someone brings forward they don’t want to be there. Avoidance gives way to awareness.
Beyond Transactional Relationship
Another reason I believe ongoing groups are so powerful is that the relationships they foster are transformative. Too often, people leave relationships because the other person isn’t meeting their needs. Seeing others primarily as sources of need fulfillment is a limited way of relating.
Nearly every day in my practice, someone contemplates leaving a partner or friend for this reason. In a diverse group, we learn to relate differently-to ask for what we need, to notice what happens when we don’t get it, and to continue showing up anyway. We begin to experience a connection that is less transactional and more human.
The Mirror of Relationship
There’s a saying in both Zen and group therapy: “Wherever you go, there you are.” In group language, we might say, “How you show up in group is how you show up everywhere.”
How we show up in relationship to ourselves mirrors how we relate to others. Of course, the expression changes depending on the context and person, but the deeper patterns remain.
We can’t fully understand ourselves in isolation-we need the reflection of others to see who we are. And that reflection can only happen if we keep showing up: for ourselves and for each other, again and again. Whether we want to or not, we need to discuss what is happening in the relationship until we communicate that it is time for the relationship to end. Every step of the relationship journey is illuminating and transformative when it is expressed and not hidden. Our patterns of avoidance are varied and often have very valid justifications
Avoidance is easy. Commitment is harder. But showing up, truly showing up, for yourself and others is where transformation begins.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.
Individuation Is Not Individualism by Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC As a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples, and groups, one of the most persistent yet least discussed themes I encounter is the tension between focusing on oneself and focusing on others. I’m also fascinated by how people relate to groups and how group influence shapes individuals. In our modern era, mass media and social media amplify this dynamic: it’s easy to absorb the ideas, beliefs, and emotions of the collective. Digital engagement—through likes, comments, and shares—magnifies one person’s voice into that of a group. Yet, paradoxically, one of the most common concerns I hear in therapy is, “I don’t want to just focus on myself.” Many prefer to look outward, often under the belief that it’s more altruistic and less selfish.
Music has been one of my greatest teachers in understanding this balance. Playing music in a group or band is an excellent metaphor. It requires individuals who have practiced their craft and developed skill, sensitivity, and awareness—people who can both listen and express. A musician who only focuses on others isn’t playing; they’re just listening. Likewise, a musician who only focuses on themselves can’t play something that fits rhythmically or harmonically with others. Musicians who never attend to their own development won’t grow. Good music emerges when each person has cultivated their musicianship, can listen and express authentically, and can adjust fluidly in real time relationship to others. This is individuation.
Individualism, on the other hand, is doing whatever one pleases without regard for the group. It often derails collective harmony. But individuated people—those who know themselves, can listen deeply to self and other, and can contribute authentically from that place, which can create beauty that enhances everyone’s life. When we act from an unindividuated place, we lose creativity at best, trainwreck the group with our out of sync rhythm, or become consumed by the group unable to do anything but merely repeat its chorus. When the group itself is toxic, the results can be destructive as the toxicity is amplified. When people say they don’t want therapy to be “just about themselves,” they raise a valid concern. A narrow focus on self to the exclusion of others can become pathological. The American Heritage Dictionary defines autism in part as “an abnormal absorption with the self; marked by communication disorders and disregard for external realities.” When we neglect the world around us and the validity of other people’s experience, we lose the relational grounding that keeps us human. But the reverse is also true—without self-understanding, it’s impossible to truly relate to others. How can we learn to “play well with others” if we don’t first understand ourselves—our capacities, limitations, and relational patterns? Well-facilitated groups can help people develop both self-awareness and relational skill. I sometimes wonder whether our cultural struggle with self-focus versus self-negation stems from our monotheistic heritage. The idea of “one god,” “one truth,” or “one right way” has deeply shaped Western consciousness—even among those who no longer believe in God. We still search for “the one” best answer, product, diet, or leader. By contrast, polytheistic and animist traditions honor multiplicity: many beings, many perspectives, and the relationships with and between them are the priority. This pluralism mirrors the inner world as well. Even modern systems like Internal Family Systems (IFS), which introduce multiplicity into psychology, can fall into a subtle monotheism by idealizing “Self energy” as the ultimate goal. It struggles to hold the tension in the paradox. While on one hand IFS proclaims there are “no bad parts,” it can hold a dogmatic agenda to increase the traits found in its limited definition of Self energy over other less shiny parts. An overfocus on the self is as problematic as neglecting it. The self is the only being we have 24/7 access to—the one we can truly know and influence. We can never fully know another person, but we can cultivate a deep, lifelong relationship with ourselves. To me, a healthy psyche can move fluidly between self-focus and other-focus, balancing both empathy and autonomy. When we either disregard or over-prioritize ourselves or others, I become curious about what may be causing that imbalance.
The myth of Narcissus offers a useful lens. Popular culture equates narcissism with self-absorption, but the story is richer than that. According to the myth, Narcissus was prophesied to “live a long life, so long as he never knows himself.” His mother, in a misguided attempt trying to protect him (a helicopter parent before there were helicopters), removed all mirrors from their home. Later in life, he rejected the love (and relationship) of all suitors, focusing only on his work. Deprived of reflection, he had no way to know himself. When he finally saw his image, he was transfixed—not out of vanity, but out of deprivation. He didn’t know who he was, so when he first saw his reflection, he became enamored. It was actually so important for him to see himself, that he was fixated in agony till he died on the spot. Having never been mirrored, he was starved for self-recognition. The tragedy was not his love of self, but the absence of it. True self-knowledge requires reflection from others; we come to know ourselves through relationship. There is also widespread misunderstanding of Jung’s concept of individuation. Many equate it with individualism or believe focusing on oneself is selfish. Often, this stems from discomfort with our own inner life. When we dislike what we see in ourselves, it’s tempting to turn outward, focusing on others under the guise of altruism. This “helping” can become a defense against self-contact. Since we can’t change others—especially if they’re unwilling—it’s ultimately ineffective. Individuation means developing a conscious relationship with all aspects of oneself—our diversity, contradictions, and complexity. While we may never know ourselves completely, we have the best chance of doing so because we are the only person we live with every moment of our lives. And it can’t happen without relationships to others, and the whole point is actually healthier relationships to others and a decrease in falling into a mutual unconsciousness. And, of course, living life as fully as possible with our unique constellation of gifts, strengths, weaknesses, shadows, and limitations, while being engaged with people and society at large. Individuation unfolds through relationship; it’s not isolation. Its purpose is more authentic connection—with others and with life itself. And since we can’t change others, focusing solely outward is futile; our most profound work begins within. Groups can profoundly influence individuation—for better or worse. When a group aligns with our true self, it can be supportive, affirming and transformative. When it doesn’t, it can distort or suppress individuality. Today, more than ever, we need deep self-understanding to resist the pull of groupthink. This happens through a greater focus on yourself and your relationship to others, not less of either. True individuality strengthens community; it doesn’t oppose it. Through music groups and therapy groups, I’ve witnessed how collective work can deepen individuation—helping people become more grounded in themselves while staying in meaningful connection. Real relationship requires difference. Without difference, there’s only sameness or fusion, not fruitful connection. Individuation allows us to be distinct and related at once. Jung himself emphasized this balance. In “The Psychology of the Transference” (Collected Works, Vol. 16), he wrote that as internationalism and the weakening of religion erode traditional boundaries, humanity risks dissolving into “an amorphous mass.” The antidote, he said, is “the inner consolidation of the individual,” which must happen consciously. Otherwise, we risk becoming “soulless herd animals governed only by panic and lust.” But Jung warned that individuation doesn’t mean spiritual aloofness; it must “cling to human relationships as to an indispensable condition.” True inner unity depends on conscious fellowship with others. (Jung’s full text in context is quoted below.) In the end, individuation is both an inner and outer process—a deepening relationship with self and a more authentic connection with others. Neither can exist without the other. The goal isn’t isolation, but integration: to live fully engaged in the world, with awareness of our unique gifts, shadows, and limitations, in relationship with the wider world. — Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy—a mindfulness-based, body-centered approach. He integrates depth psychology and nature-based (ecopsychological) perspectives to explore the interplay between conscious and unconscious patterns in relationship to the world. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration, providing insight and a vessel for transformation. With over a decade of experience leading men’s interpersonal process groups, therapy groups, wilderness programs, and rites of passage, he is highly trained in trauma treatment, mindfulness, and somatic therapy. He continues his study of psychoanalytic work through JPA in New York and is licensed in Colorado and New York.
If you enjoy reading Jung directly, here are a few paragraphs illustrating his take on this:
[443]…Increasing internationalism and the weakening of religion have largely abolished or bridged over these last remaining barriers and will do so still more in the future, only to create an amorphous mass whose preliminary symptoms can already be seen in the modern phenomenon of the mass psyche. Consequently the original exogamous order is rapidly approaching a condition of chaos painfully held in check. For this there is but one remedy: the inner consolidation of the individual, who is otherwise threatened with inevitable stultification and dissolution in the mass psyche. The recent past has given us the clearest possible demonstration of what this would mean. No religion has afforded any protection, and our organizing factor, the State, has proved to be the most efficient machine for turning out mass-men. In these circumstances the immunizing of the individual against the toxin of the mass psyche is the only thing that can help. As I have already said, it is just conceivable that the endogamous tendency will intervene compensatorily and restore the consanguineous marriage, or the union of the divided components of the personality, on the psychic level—that is to say, within the individual. This would form a counterbalance to the progressive dichotomy and psychic dissociation of collective man.
[444] It is of supreme importance that this process should take place consciously , otherwise the psychic consequences of massmindedness will harden and become permanent. For, if the inner consolidation of the individual is not a conscious achievement, it will occur spontaneously and will then take the well-known form of that incredible hard-heartedness which collective man displays towards his fellow men. He becomes a soulless herd animal governed only by panic and lust: his soul, which can live only in and from human relationships, is irretrievably lost. But the conscious achievement of inner unity clings to human relationships as to an indispensable condition, for without the conscious acknowledgment and acceptance of our fellowship with those around us there can be no synthesis of personality. That mysterious something in which the inner union takes place is nothing personal, has nothing to do with the ego, is in fact superior to the ego because, as the self, it is the synthesis of the ego and the supra-personal unconscious. The inner consolidation of the individual is not just the hardness of collective man on a higher plane, in the form of spiritual aloofness and inaccessibility: it emphatically includes our fellow man.
[445] To the extent that the transference is projection and nothing more, it divides quite as much as it connects. But experience teaches that there is one connection in the transference which does not break off with the severance of the projection. That is because there is an extremely important instinctive factor behind it: the kinship libido….Kinship libido—which could still engender a satisfying feeling of belonging together, as for instance in the early Christian communities—has long been deprived of its object. But, being an instinct, it is not to be satisfied by any mere substitute such as a creed, party, nation, or state. It wants the human connection.That is the core of the whole transference phenomenon, and it is impossible to argue it away, because relationship to the self is at once relationship to our fellow man, and no one can be related to the latter until he is related to himself.
[446] If the transference remains at the level of projection, the connection it establishes shows a tendency to regressive concretization, i.e., to an atavistic restoration of the primitive social order. This tendency has no possible foothold in our modern world, so that every step in this direction only leads to a deeper conflict and ultimately to a real transference neurosis. Analysis of the transference is therefore an absolute necessity, because the projected contents must be reintegrated if the patient is to gain the broader view he needs for free decision.
[447] If, however, the projection is broken, the connection—whether it be negative (hate) or positive (love)—may collapse for the time being so that nothing seems to be left but the politeness of a professional tête-à-tête. One cannot begrudge either doctor or patient a sigh of relief when this happens, although one knows full well that the problem has only been postponed for both of them. Sooner or later, here or in some other place, it will present itself again, for behind it there stands the restless urge towards individuation. [448] Individuation has two principal aspects: in the first place it is an internal and subjective process of integration, and in the second it is an equally indispensable process of objective relationship. Neither can exist without the other, although sometimes the one and sometimes the other predominates. This double aspect has two corresponding dangers. The first is the danger of the patient’s using the opportunities for spiritual development arising out of the analysis of the unconscious as a pretext for evading the deeper human responsibilities, and for affecting a certain “spirituality” which cannot stand up to moral criticism; the second is the danger that atavistic tendencies may gain the ascendency and drag the relationship down to a primitive level.
From (Collected Works of CG Jung, Volume 16. Practice of Psychotherapy in the Essay Psychology of the Transference. Emphasis mine.)
Emotions, feelings, moods, all the same thing. Right? Not at all. And understanding our feelings is so foundational to understanding ourselves and being able to heal in therapy I thought it would be helpful to put together this quick guide to share with clients to help you gain more understanding of your own human system. There’s much more detail to all of this, but hopefully, this guide will help get the gist of what is happening inside you.
Our brains have evolved over thousands of years. Some parts of our brains we share with reptiles, some with other mammals, and some are unique to humans alone. Generally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are the most basic and most similar to reptiles. As you move upward, your brain gets more sophisticated. The lower parts of our brains are designed to keep us alive. The upper parts help us connect with others, communicate, understand, and make meaning of life. These are the parts that make us different from other animals. But we also need to understand how the lower parts of our brain affect us too!
Emotionally speaking, the lower parts of our brain are responsible for instinctual survival functions in the face of a threat. These are all actions that usually happen without our consciousness involved because the impulsive instinctual brain is faster than our cognitive brain.
Fight – get stronger and attack the threat
Flight – get away from the threat
Freeze – don’t move, play dead, so hopefully, the threat will go away
Fawn – act pleasing, innocent, harmless, and endearing so the threat doesn’t see you as a threat to avoid the conflict
Where our lower brains are not so smart is that in modern-day, the threat isn’t usually a tiger or assailant but could be a look from someone, a social media post, a raised voice from a friend or family member, an insult, or any number of things that raise our hackles in big or small ways. Our brains sometimes respond in one of the above survival ways when our survival isn’t being threatened at all, especially if we have had past exposure to traumatic events.
These four survival emotions get a little more sophisticated as we move to the mid-brain and with a little more awareness, they get shaped into the basic emotions that all humans in all cultures experience. These emotions exist to help us relate to other people. Different researchers have categorized them differently, but I like to use the five basic emotions that mostly rhyme to help people remember them. MAD, SAD, AFRAD (afraid), GLAD, SHAME/GUILT. Shame and guilt feel similar, but are two different things. Shame means I’m bad (unhealthy), guilt means I did something bad (healthy) to help us have remorse and repair.
Notice most of these are what most people call “negative” feelings and only one is “positive.” I think we evolved like this for a reason, to help us avoid doing things that cause us or people we care about harm. But unfortunately, it leads to a negativity bias in our brains and a positivity bias in our external relationships trying to balance out the scales. In reality, we need all of these feelings so there is no such thing as a positive or negative feeling. They are all helpful information to help us understand our inner and external worlds.
If you can get a solid grasp of being able to feel and identify when you are feeling the 5 basic emotions, you have most of what you need to be an emotionally intelligent human being. Being able to communicate emotions with others helps us to relate and connect with others, to understand and be understood, and to be able to give and receive support. I consider this to be a foundational human skill. As our relationships get more complex and we get better at communicating, we have need for more precise emotional words, so psychologists have invented various versions of the emotion wheel to show how these basic emotions get more nuanced.
Some of these feelings can overlap, and we can feel multiple emotions at the same time. So don’t misunderstand the wheel to be the ultimate truth. See if you can find your own language for your own expression of your emotions.
As you can see, our feelings can go from quite simplistic and primal survival to emotions of relating to quite complex and nuanced. That’s why it’s important to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Emotions can sometimes feel big and overwhelming. Almost as if the emotions have us more than we have them. Feeling overwhelmed by emotion often comes from little awareness and understanding of emotions and triggers for them. As we gain more awareness and skill, we can be a person having our emotions rather than our emotions having us. This increase in awareness and distance from the raw intensity of emotion combined with thoughts turns them into feelings. Feelings are very important information. They help us make decisions about what is right for us and what we need to stay away from and can lead us to conscious action and/or communication.
When we are consumed with emotion, we often don’t have access to critical thinking or discernment that is available when we are feeling. Sometimes we even act out of an emotion, such as yelling at someone (anger/fight) or distancing ourselves or avoiding something (fear/flight) or going numb (fear/freeze). This usually happens with little consciousness or choice. So we are acting out an emotion (doing) rather than feeling and communicating about a feeling which is usually more helpful.
The more consciousness we bring to ourselves, the more choice we have to understand and act appropriately. And we can often increase the time between the stimulus that causes the emotion and the response (impulsively or consciously) to act in a more appropriate way. Without awareness, we respond impulsively or emotionally, which might cause more harm than good.
Here’s a chart I made to visualize the process I’m talking about.
As you can see, doing, feeling, and thinking follows the evolution of the brain. Reptiles do without awareness or feeling. Mammals have the ability to feel and relate to others but may not have words and thoughts like humans. Humans have all of the above with the addition of complex language and cognitive abilities. One function isn’t necessarily better than another; we need them all. Thinking can help us make sense of and respond more effectively to our emotions and feelings. But when used to excess without connection to feeling or emotion or action, thinking can also disconnect us from ourselves, our life, and others. So thinking, too has to be used and responded to appropriately, just like emotions. We need doing, feeling, thinking, and being all accessible to us at the right time and place.
Further, overthinking and rumination often lead to a stuckness of emotion or feeling, which leads to moods. Moods are more generalized, pervasive emotional states that can last days, weeks, months, or even years. Emotions come and go, just like the weather. When we try not to feel them by suppressing or repressing them, they can get stuck and lead to moods. Unpacking moods, like being depressed, can take time to really understand all the inputs from both present and past experiences as well as the unnamed unexplored feelings that comprise the mood.
As I said, this is a quick overview of our emotional systems. There is some more information in the links above. There’s a bit more to it, and some of this is a broad generalization to help distinguish what is happening. Understanding these basics help tremendously to help you understand yourself and others. People often think that our thoughts control our feelings; and they do to some extent. But our survival instincts and the basic raw emotions that evolved out of them can be much more powerful than our thoughts. Just try to control your feelings with thoughts when you get dumped by a partner you really cared about, lose a job that you loved, get into a physical fight, or anything else that touches into our survival needs.
The way I see it, our thoughts and feelings and actions are all in relationship to each other, all equally valid, no one mode is more important than the other. The more you understand what is happening inside of you and outside of you and have awareness of what emotions and feelings are being experienced, the more you can engage your full self and your relationships to prevent things from spiraling out of control into overwhelm, unconscious action, or a stuck stagnant mood.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
Relationships matter. And to riff on the old adage, it’s not who you know; it’s how well you know them that counts. Nothing happens outside the context of a relationship. At the very least, we have (or had) parents, we have (or had) siblings or peers, we have coworkers or customers, and we have neighbors (even if we don’t know them). It is in the context of these relationships that we give and receive things we need and learn about ourselves and our world. And in our fast-paced, technology-connected world, it is hard to maintain relational depth.
Even when I’m working with individuals who aren’t interested in improving their relationships, we still have a relationship with ourselves. How we talk to and how we feel about ourselves perhaps matters the most! How well we know ourselves and how we relate to ourselves is the foundation of our ability to enjoy life and engage effectively with the world.
One useful theory or lens for talking about relationships is attachment theory. In simple terms, attachment describes how well we connect with another person and how safe it is to do so. Attachment begins at birth and changes throughout life. If we are well supported and attuned to, it is easy for us to connect with others and easy for us to be alone. If we hit roadblocks along the way, we can face various challenges in connecting with others. This is most obviously seen in intimate relationships. However, peer relationships are also affected by our attachment styles. This can impact everything from finding an intimate partner to having friends and social support, to parenting, to being successful in our careers. So if you have had struggles in any of those areas, read on to see where you might be able to heal and strengthen your relational abilities.
Attachment starts with a solid foundation, or solid roots, if you will. With healthy, secure attachments, we can still stand tall in the face of the strong winds and storms of life. And we can be at peace when the storms pass. Without solid, healthy attachments, we get rocked and blown around, unable to rest and be at peace when there are no immediate challenges. With unhealthy attachments, it is easy to turn to unstable comforts to feel better, like alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual behaviors, unhealthy people, screens – media, social media, video games, and more. With a secure, stable attachment, we can use these things in healthy, appropriate ways and turn to ourselves or appropriate people for healthy connection and comfort.
Attachment theory describes attachment as being either secure or insecure. A secure attachment means the person is stable on their own AND can connect deeply with others to receive and give various forms of support or nourishment with appropriate levels of intimacy. Insecure attachment can manifest as anxiety (anxious attachment style) if someone gets too close or too far, avoidance (avoidant attachment style) of getting close to someone, or a combination of anxious or avoidant (anxious-avoidant attachment style) feelings or behaviors.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld has gone further to describe six levels of attachment that happen during our key developmental years. These six drives can also manifest in adulthood, as seen in the types of relationships we have and how we connect with or avoid others. Each of these six levels builds on the one before. That is, if we are underdeveloped at one level, it is harder to move on and have healthy relationships at the later levels.
The six levels are:
Drive to be with – Attachment to physical proximity. Being close to an individual. This is the most basic. Being with someone in their physical presence. Teenagers often like to hang out even if they are not doing anything in particular. It is comforting to just be with someone and be able to see, smell, hear, and touch them. This reassures us of our physical safety. We need a home base, touchstone, and resting place, which serves as a compass point to navigate the greater world. When this physical attachment is suitable, we can feel safe in the middle of chaos. If not, we become armored and cannot be physically close, hug, or touch others.
Drive to be like – Attachment to the identity/personality of an individual. Once we feel safe enough in our body, the next level is the desire to be like or the same as someone we like or respect. As part of our identity formation, we emulate, identify with, imitate, and model after them, learning behaviors, our core identity, preferences, dislikes, and social norms to fit into society. We do this with our parents at an early age and friends or partners later on. This enables us to feel close while apart by acting like them and remembering them (even if not consciously).
Drive to be part of – Attachment to belonging and standing with a group. Once we are secure enough in our individual identity, we want to belong to a bigger group. Whether that is a nuclear family, extended family, class, school, sports team, peer group, political affiliation, national affiliation, ethnic affiliation, religion, profession, or any group of “like” people. To feel like there are lots of people like us and on our side helps us feel secure and that we belong to something greater. It creates a sense of loyalty and the desire to serve, obey, or even defer to the group’s will.
Drive to matter – Attachment to being valued by a group. Once we feel connected to and part of a larger group of people (or more than one), we need to feel important and worthy of care, respect, love, or esteem. This is the drive for greater success and achievement. Perhaps it is this drive that video games tap into for some, but it is often incomplete, and people keep playing at excessive levels because it has to be had in personal relationships, not just on a screen with a score or standings board. We all need unconditional positive regard – that is feeling that people value us no matter what we do or what we are. When we feel this way, it frees people from a lifelong search for value, always trying to prove their worth, which can then open them to further levels of intimacy and their fullest potential, rather than just trying to be important as the goal. Without this value, people endlessly chase value externally through achievement, peer recognition, consumerism, unnecessary degrees, and more.
Drive for love – Attachment to being loved and emotionally intimate in our full, authentic self. Once we know that we belong, we are important, and we matter, no matter what we do or how we are, we are available for true intimacy or “attaching at the heart.” Again, each of the previous stages has to have at least some level of health, or intimacy can be superficial or motivated by seeking simple physical closeness (like just living together or having disconnected sex), identity, belonging, or value importance. It is possible to have some intimacy without, but true intimacy will be limited by our needs to feel those prior levels. This level of attachment requires a secure sense of self, identity, belonging, value, and the ability to be present with limbic attunement to the other. To be open and receptive to another and able to feel (all) emotions, give and share heart, enables this level of attachment. The risk, of course, is that this leaves us open to significant vulnerability. With healthy attachment, we can feel safest in long-term relationships (family or committed relationships). But without healthy attachment, we have the paradoxical effect that the longer the relationship, the more threatening vulnerability becomes.
Some studies suggest that early digital intimacy undermines the need for emotional intimacy. In a long-term relationship, healthy attachment at all these levels enables us to weather storms of disagreement and difficulty and stay attuned, committed, and attached, working through problems rather than separating or avoiding. Knowing we are connected and attached at this level helps people remain caring and open toward someone, even during periods of distance and separation. It can set the stage for deeper levels of psychological and sexual intimacy that are not possible when there are missing pieces in any of the lower levels. Knowing we are securely attached in this way, we can be shielded from wounding from the world, less reactive to hurts from our partner, and able to keep a soft, open heart in the face of wounding and the stresses of the world. Without this, we blame, attack, withdraw, close off, and seek to control, change, or manipulate to keep ourselves safe. I think this is essential for full psychological development and maturity, especially in the state of the world today.
Drive for psychological intimacy – be fully known to – Attachment to our full authentic whole self. At this level, we are secure and have no secrets that divide us from ourselves, especially but also with a few select others. We can be fully honest with ourselves about our most hidden, shameful thoughts, feelings, desires, or experiences; we can share secrets with appropriate, trustworthy others; and we are not shamed for those secrets. This is important for children, given their previous attachment needs and the need for connection with a parent. What your parents don’t know about what you did won’t get you in trouble, but those secrets cause a divide and distance, making love and acceptance inaccessible. Even if parents could love and accept the transgression, the personal feeling that it must be kept secret causes a psychological separation that takes a toll. This level of secure attachment makes known what you normally keep hidden, allowing greater ability to accept yourself and others. This is different than just knowing about (indirect/impersonal) or being exposed to it secondhand or intellectually. We must be the ones who share the things we fear to share. With an intimate partner, we have to be the one to physically or metaphorically take our clothes off, be seen and witnessed, and still feel loved despite the secret. This happens after one has shared from their heart and has the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We all need to be seen fully. Social media capitalizes on this need, but ineffectively, because it is impersonal, incomplete, and does not address the need for physical presence, attunement, mirroring, validation, touch, and seeing the person’s care and acceptance.
So much more could be said about this, as it is an in-depth and complicated topic. Simply knowing this is only the first step to repairing and living from these six levels of attachment and relational depth. But I wanted to at least sketch this outline as I’ve found it helpful for many of my clients in identifying and understanding relationship challenges. Having a healthy attachment at these six levels builds strong roots to weather the stresses and storms of life. And our attachment strengths and weaknesses don’t just show up in our relationships with others; they also show up in our relationship with ourselves!
It’s hard to thrive in the world without a solid foundation, and without deep roots, we get blown over easily. I also believe that being able to have a solid foundation through these deeply rooted levels of relationship helps us to create togetherness and relationships that can be healthy and solid despite differences, which is essential to resolve the extreme polarization that we’re experiencing in our world manifesting as us-them divisions, increased racism and nationalism, gender and culture wars, or further separations in our relational and community lives. When we have solid attachments as described above, we can have a solid sense of self, to become our own person, belonging in the community, aware and nurtured by the ways we are the same, celebrating the ways we are different, and can talk about any and all of it honestly and vulnerably without it devolving into a battle and more separation. We can be different and still securely attached, connected, and rooted rather than blown away in the storms of our inner world or our outer life.
For more information:
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
My Life is the Medicine is a new podcast hosted by Chuck Hancock. Chuck sits down to have conversations with people to look at how life has provided numerous lessons and initiations already that we sometimes overlook. Instead, we get lost seeking new, bigger, or better experiences.
In the age of abundant experts and gurus, we take the subversive stance that you are actually the only expert you need for your own life. By looking closer at your own life experiences – both the ones that felt good and the array of challenges you had, you can harvest all the wisdom and medicine you need to guide your unique life and offer your unique gifts and wisdom to the world. We have conversations with ordinary people to look closer at how everyday experiences of living life have shaped us and taught us profound lessons. Often we don’t think much of our choices and experiences, but in reality, they all have a profound meaning. Instead of just moving from one thing to the next, we can slow down and pause to integrate the initiations that life has already provided, to become even more whole, balanced, and able to bring the medicine of our life, the medicine we’ve already been given, into the world.
If you’ve been wanting to join the Men’s Group, good news! There are two openings for new members in our Men’s Interpersonal Process Group.
This men’s interpersonal process group can help you get more real, more honest with yourself and others propelling you into deeper relationships and deeper success through challenge and support by other men. It is a real-time lab, where you will experience yourself and others with greater awareness and be able to try new behaviors and ways of relating to being more effective in your life.
All topics and goals are welcome. Common themes are anger, depression, anxiety, personal identity, masculinity, relationships with women and/or other men, assertiveness, sex/sexuality, disconnect from emotions, work problems, fatherhood, confidence/self-esteem, accountability, honesty, spirituality, and finding purpose and meaning in life.
This group has been running weekly for the past 5 years facilitated by Chuck and over a decade prior to that facilitated by a psychologist who retired passing it on to Chuck. The long-running stability, diversity of age, background, and experience of the members, and experience of the facilitator are rare.
The ideal man will have had previous or current experience in therapy or other personal growth, but motivation and desire for greater self awareness will also enable you to benefit if this is your first growth experience.
All men are welcome in this group. You are welcome with all of your struggles, your gifts, your challenges, your gender, your sexuality, your personality, your pain, your shame, your questions, your desires.
All of you are welcome here! Tuesday Evenings 5:00-6:30
$50 per group. 8 week minimum commitment, but most people will want to continue on long term for the support, authentic relationships, and unique opportunity to grow with a safe, established, circle of men and trained, experienced, professional facilitator.
Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC. Chuck has over a decade of experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness, somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.
(Men in this context means male/masculine identifying person)
1 month Thursday lunchtime online zoom meeting
March 26 – April 26, 2020. Thursdays @ Noon.
In all my work with men – be it as clients, in men’s groups, close friends, or family, the number one consistent theme that causes the most stress (even with men who have everything else they want) – successful career, hobbies, friendships, etc.), is having successful relationships with women* (women meaning female/feminine identifying person).
If you have have this struggle, (or maybe don’t currently have it, but find yourself in cycles in your relationship where this comes up from time to time) and still haven’t learned how to resolve it, you owe it to yourself and the women in your life to carve out an hour a week to learn how to better relate to the feminine. You probably know how good it feels to be in a healthy, satisfying relationship. And you probably know how bad it feels to be in a poor, unsatisfying, or unhealthy relationship.
This course will empower you to become the skilled and competent leader for healthy relationships in your life and in your romantic partnership.
In this lunchtime online Zoom meeting we will:
Zoom online meeting view
Learn losing strategies and winning strategies for healthy relationships
Learn practical relational skills for more connected, peaceful, and rewarding conversations
Learn skills for managing conflict
Learn how to de-escalate when tensions, stress, or anger get high
Learn how to identify and regulate emotions with you and your partner
Begin to identify the relational patterns that cause problems between you and others
Learn how self-esteem, self-care, and how you treat yourself show up in relationship
Be fully present and engaged with mind and body with mindfulness and awareness exercises
Learn the difference between co-dependence, self reliance, and interdependence
Explore healthy sexuality in relationship
Learn to take personal responsibility for what is ours, and set boundaries around what is not
Practice in real time to build skill and confidence in your ability to apply them with women
Relationship is a full contact sport! It takes our full presence, awareness, and training to properly utilize our primary relational tools – our mind, our heart, and our body. There are many great books and podcasts to give you the knowledge you need, but you can’t just read a book or listen to a podcast and know these things and expect to have better relationships. Actually practicing these tools and concepts with other men, giving and receiving feedback, and then utilizing them during the week with your partner will accelerate your learning and skill level. This course is packed with information to help you understand the why, effective tools to implement in your relationship, and it also includes a brief amount of time to practice in the safety of Zoom breakout rooms with other men. If you can communicate using these tools with other men, you can do it with women.
We will become a community of support for you as you learn and apply these tools and concepts. You’ll be given handouts with specific instructions and key ideas each week to ensure you can have the support you need in real time, in your pocket.
Why study relationship skills with me?
I’ve been participating in and leading men’s work for almost a decade, as well as practicing as a psychotherapist. Just as important as my professional experience and credentials, my life experiences as a husband, father, son, brother, and friend and shaped me most, trying and sometimes failing at practicing what I teach. Before becoming a therapist, I was a software engineer who grew up in the south with all of the rules about being a man. Many of them were misguided and not helpful. My world was ruled by logic and reason alone. I was involved with lots of groups, I played sports, studied martial arts, and was smart and successful, but I struggled with relationships. Nobody taught me how to relate effectively and how to have the courage and strength I needed to be honest with myself and others. I understand the world of men and talking to men about relationships can be different than talking to women. I’ve studied the best authors, researchers, and practitioners in the field such as the Gottmans, Relational Life Therapy with Terry Real, Ester Perel, Emotionally Focused Therapy, as well as the most important relationship topics such as attachment, somatic trauma work, sex therapy. In addition to all the theoretical knowledge, studying finely attuned somatic psychotherapy such as Hakomi and IFS as well as very somatic and non verbal forms of martial arts, jiu-jitsu, and dance have taught me even more about the dance between direct assertiveness and receptive attunement. Even with this breadth of knowledge and understanding, there are still days where I struggle and get tripped up, just like anyone else. Having references, ongoing support, and accountability to using these tools is essential when we stumble. So I’ve taken the best tools from these experts, translated them into real life applications and created this course so you get to be your authentic self. You won’t sound like you are communicating from a script, you will be honest and authentic, and you can immediately use these ideas and tools to shift your stance, become your own leader, and improve the way that you relate with women so you can get started right away with healthier relationships.
I’ll show you how to live and embody a strong masculine relational stance – one that is wise, compassionate, active, effective, open, receptive, and can handle anything that comes your way.
Investment of Your Time and Money
This course is designed for anyone to use their one hour lunch break, once a week, for one month from the convenience of their phone or computer to skyrocket their relational skills. No travel time. No excuses.
$50 per session. 1 hour per week. 4 week commitment.
However, if you haven’t decided your skills and relationship are worth the investment, here’s how I’ll make it even more worth your while:
Sign up by March 2nd and pay only $40 per session
Attend and participate in all 4 sessions so I know you have the built the foundation, have the necessary background information and you are invested in your relational life, and you will be invited to attend a free bonus meeting where I’ll answer your questions, go into further depth of any topic covered, and provide coaching about a specific relationship issue you have, if you choose.
If you are ready to commit to improving your relationship skills for yourself and your partner, sign up by March 2nd and for only $160 you will get 5 weeks of instruction and an opportunity to get direct coaching and feedback on a relationship issue you are facing. This brings your cost to only $32 per group! Consider that is a 5 hour program for the price of ONE individual therapy or coaching session.
If you are hesitant or late to commit, don’t worry. You can still get all 5 sessions for $200. Still a great deal! You, your partner, your relationship, and your life satisfaction are worth it.
Course Outline
March 26 – April 26, 2020. Thursdays @ Noon.
Week 1
Setting the Foundation
Communication Basics
Healthy Interdependence vs Codependence, enmeshment, or self-reliance
What is Your Relationship Dream?
Practice and Homework
Week 2
Creating Safe Secure Relationships (as opposed to anxious, avoidant, or distant relationships)
De-escalating conflict and stressful conversations
Emotional Intelligence
Practice and Homework
Week 3
Turning Up The Heat – Appropriately, Skillfully, and Wisely
Giving and Receiving Feedback
Getting What You Want, Getting What You Need
Male Sexuality and Pornography in Relationship
Practice and Homework
Week 4
Bigger Picture and Moving Forward
Repairing After a Regrettable Incident
Self Leadership and Relational Leadership – Achieving Balance in Thinking, Feeling, Being, and Doing
Practice and Homework
Week 5 * (Bonus for those who engaged and participated in all 4 prior sessions)
Review and Diving Deeper With Previous Topics
Questions and Discussion
Live Coaching on Your Personal Situation Challenge
These are just the highlights and main themes of the course. You can be assured we will pack much more into each hour we spend together. If you are not convinced you need this, ask your partner and get their feedback. Or if you have a specific need or question about the course, reach out to [email protected].
Registration and Preparation
When you are ready to commit, there are four steps to take:
Be sure you have reserved 12:00 MST on your calendar for the meeting dates. We will start and end on time. There is a lot of material to cover, so be sure you arrive on time with your technology ready to go.
I look forward to connecting with you and learning how to be a stronger, more relational man together.
Facilitated by: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, EMDR II. Chuck has over 9 years experience participating in and leading men’s groups, experiential groups, therapy groups, wilderness groups, interpersonal process groups, ritual and rites of passage programs, and teaching college courses. Chuck is highly trained in treating trauma, mindfulness, somatic therapy, and is a member of Colorado Group Psychotherapy Society and a perpetual student of intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns.
Download a printable flyer below to share with someone who could use this course.
The main character, Carol, is a reluctant, chaotic, alcoholic hero who wants to save the world and restore it to its former state. At first motivated by her grief and loss, which eventually gave way to loneliness. She begins befriending the collective and settling into the new normal. Eventually, though, she recognizes all that is lost and the moral problems obscured by the collective’s kindness, and she starts to investigate, discover, and analyze everything she can about them, hoping to find a way to set things straight.
