Words are hard. So are feelings. A picture is worth 1000 words. How many feelings is it worth? How many feelings is a word worth? I’m not sure those questions have been answered. What is a question worth? Maybe very little if it has a quick answer. But what about the questions that live in us, unanswerable completely? Those are priceless. Can we have a question without words?
I’ve had many such questions in my life. It’s frustrating not to have immediate answers to, but extremely valuable in all the partial answers I’ve found while living the questions and looking for answers. And those questions are formed with words. So are the answers. Well, they do start with a feeling. An impulse. A longing. A somatic experience and an emotion. A question forms with a desire, a curiosity, seeking something missing. An answer with a form. Eventually, both become more solid when we put words to them. And then it all becomes even more solid when the loop reverses direction – that is, we start to live the word, creating more somatic experience and more feelings. They all become integrated into us. One dimension alone, thought, word, intuition, somatic experience, or feeling, is incomplete. All together, they make us whole.
I practiced primarily somatic therapy for the first many years in private practice. It was very important to me as it was a neglected part of my human experience. By prioritizing the soma, we reconnect with the old patterns from early childhood, from before there were words. This can be an important and necessary part of therapy for many people. But it’s not just early childhood. Every time we have a new experience, it starts in the body and with feeling, which is some sort of valuation of that experience, and it takes us time to make sense of what the experience is, how we feel about it, and what we think about it. Further, we need to differentiate feelings. Many stay stuck in the simple notion that if something feels good, it is good, and if it feels bad, it is bad. It takes words and thought to make that happen. Without words and thoughts, it stays unconscious. An unexplainable mystery.
Images are powerful. In our modern age, we are bombarded with billions of images every day on our various screens. Each of these images creates experiences in our bodies that we are mostly unconscious of. Do you feel erotic charge with some images? Or lightness and whimsy with others? Do you ever cringe when you watch someone being hit in a TV show or movie? What about the examples of war, violence, and brutality shown on the news every day? Do you feel those things, or do you numb them and tune them out? Keeping them at a distance on the screen and in a location far, far away? Or perhaps even more challenging, do you experience them as if they were happening to you right now, unable to differentiate that you are currently safe and it is happening to someone else, somewhere else, at some other time?
Putting words to the experience helps bring clarity, definition, and separation from the raw, primal experience so that we can make sense of it. If we never take the step of putting words to our experience, it remains primarily unconscious and can continue to drive further thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without our awareness. Just as a baby learns to differentiate itself from its mother and eventually expresses its feelings and experiences in words, this is a necessary developmental step in everything we experience in life.
Just like the gluttony of images, we are also bombarded with words every day. Some of us more than others, depending on our profession, but regardless, more words than we can completely consciously register and digest. That is part of why we don’t recognize the power of words or images. They are common, ordinary, and present in an overabundance. They are easy to overlook and dismiss, but as Bob Marley sang (paraphrasing a bible verse), “The stone that the builder refuse, will always be the head cornerstone.” What we want to overlook, because it is common, ordinary, and found everywhere, can actually be the most important part of what we are building. In fact, one of the core principles of Alchemy is that the things we want to reject the most are actually the most vital ingredients of our transformation.
Words, of course, can bring more confusion because your definition of a word and my definition of a word might be slightly different, even if we read the same dictionary definition, but eventually, they bring us closer to clarity. Especially when, in a relational interaction, we can continue to use words to explore our mutual understanding and come as close as possible to an authentic connection that may or may not involve sameness but might also make room for difference. When it stays within the realm of feeling or somatic experience that isn’t discussed, there might be a felt sense of connection, but it’s often an illusion arising from unconscious projections and assumptions. Once we start to talk about it, we may realize that while we feel connected because we might be feeling the same things, the way we interpret it and the sense we make of it might be vastly different. People may not want to talk about it because they would prefer the illusion of connection, but a deeper connection is possible when these things are clarified, and both people’s perspectives and positions are valued.
Using words with the stance of compassion, curiosity, and empathy brings us authentic connection and interpersonal subjectivity. In my opinion, that’s the only way out of this increasingly intensely divisive world we are living in. Using words disconnected from any sense of feeling is a tool for distancing rationality, or, at worst, for manipulation. I think this is why words sometimes get a bad rap. While words can bring us closer, words can also divide and distance us. It is all about the words we use and the feelings they evoke in the people who deliver and receive them.
We are simultaneously both all the same as humans and vastly different, even within easily perceived categories such as gender, skin, color, education, political affiliation, ethnicity, etc. In any given moment, we prioritize sameness or difference, which has the cost of excluding the other. When we focus on our sameness, we forget our differences. When we focus on our differences, we forget our sameness. It’s actually a defensive maneuver: choosing to prioritize sameness or difference. We combat our aloneness by focusing on sameness, and we protect ourselves by separation, focusing on our differences. Using words to talk about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences enables us to dance together, moving in and out of our differences and sameness into a more accurate reality and a more authentic relationship that honors both.
Due to the glut of images, the speed of life, and countless digital connections, it’s rare to slow down and take the time to put words to our experience. We reply with an emoji, assuming we know exactly what we mean by it and that the other person will receive our message. Does that really happen? Like pictures, each emoji and GIF can have 1000 meanings. What meaning is received? Usually, whatever meaning the person wants to make of it, it carries the illusion of being effective, but I’m not so sure we’re actually communicating the same message. We wouldn’t actually know unless we ask and talk about it.
I’ve been offering groups I call “Tending the Waters of Psyche and Soul” to invite us into this process of navigating the relationship between self, other, and the archetypal images in our lives. We work with the images that come to us in our dreams and through our screens to explore the feelings, somatic experiences, and meanings that arise in our lives. And we do it in community because each of us has an important piece of the puzzle that our isolated, limited individual perspectives can only grasp a small part alone.
Admittedly, as powerful as this group work is, it is still slow. We can assume we understand the message in a big, intense experience, but I’m not sure we do if we can’t put words to it. It takes time to unpack, process, digest, metabolize, and use that as fuel to change our lives and live differently. But perhaps slowness is exactly the medicine we need in our manic times. For me, taking time to find the words can be a humbling experience. The right words don’t seem to come; I don’t know the right words. I may misunderstand the meaning of the word, leading me to feel stupid. I’m confronted with my limitations and inadequacies. When I try a word, it doesn’t feel quite right. I feel alone and disconnected while struggling to find the right words from deep in my psyche. But the effort is worth it. Because words are a perspective. A standpoint. A lens through which to look at the situation and develop a connection or relationship to it. It’s only through finding our words that we can truly change something. Otherwise, we continue to live through the same unconscious patterns. There is a reason that when magic was a thing, it was invoked with words. Finding the right words casts a spell. A spell that can change us, others, or the situation.
In Harry Potter, a boggart takes on the form of what the person fears most. To neutralize the boggart, it required a combination of somatic, emotional, and mental activity. Remus Lupin explains, “The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing. We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please … riddikulus!” The boggart is immortal. You can’t kill it, but you can recognize what it is, and using the power of the word, calling it what it is, while somatically pointing your wand, feeling a feeling of amusement, mentally picturing something amusing, and calling it what it really is – “ridiculous”, you can change its form.
Over and over again in life, we will have feelings and face difficult things. We can’t escape that. But we can study ourselves, we can study history, we can study words, and we can call things by what they truly are, using the power of words. Not just empty words, but words imbued with feeling, with soma, and with imagination. Just as in Harry Potter, we often project our greatest fears and unconscious, unspeakable patterns, which appear to us as monsters – usually in another person. But when we name them, they lose the power to harm us. Speaking the unspeakable thoughts, feelings, fantasies, and experiences is a key ingredient in the transformation of our psyche, soul, and ego. Speaking words is a vital part of being human that can’t be replaced. No other creature on the planet communicates with words. Words make us human, make us whole, and help us become masters over our lives and psyche, especially when paired with emotion, imagination, relationship, and somatic experience.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness. Inner Life Adventures.
Ever since childhood, I’ve been interested in the depths. Growing up in my family, church, and public schools, I always had a sense that there was more to what was happening than could be observed directly or stated explicitly. As a child, however, I didn’t have the language to describe it, and worse, I thought I could not trust my own perception. It has taken many years of study, my own personal psychotherapy, and work with many other people, different than me, to understand. Because sometimes we don’t perceive things accurately, and sometimes we do. It does take work and discernment to sort out when our perceptions are accurate and when they are not. Or you can skip that work and just believe what you are told, but as George Orwell stated in 1984: “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” Regardless, it is important to recognize that what we perceive with our senses and what we perceive that is not perceived by our senses are two distinct realms.
In addition to studies in Western psychology and popular evidence-based practices, I’ve studied Eastern traditions like Buddhism and spent 15 years engaged with Lakota rituals, which has helped me recognize that most Western psychology and interventions are ego-based and work primarily with what can be sensed in the material world, whereas indigenous and Eastern traditions cater to the ego much less, recognizing that there is something beyond the ego and that the ego’s wishes should not be what drives our life. Interestingly, the etymology of the word psychology is the “study of the soul.” But as happens, we forget, and the zeitgeist (spirit of the age) clouds our vision; thus, in the last century, ego-based psychology has dominated, which is more fitting and appealing to our ego-based culture.
This article examines the differences between ego-based and soul-based psychological work and why both are necessary at different times. We should not conflate the two.
In our Western culture, ego-based psychology is most dominant and most needed because our systems don’t foster healthy ego development. Many people have under-developed fragile egos or overdeveloped, domineering egos. We can’t move beyond our ego effectively until we recognize and understand it, and develop sufficient healthy ego strength to set it aside from time to time.
Soul-based psychology is about initiation. As I wrote about in my article on Jungian Analysis, soul-based psychotherapy starts with developing more healthy ego-functioning, because without a healthy functioning ego, we can’t navigate the world of showing up to work on time, having healthy interpersonal relationships, learning new skills and ideas, etc…. Prior to my Jungian studies, I had several teachers in Lakota rituals, chiefly the vision quest, which, on some levels, is about ego-death to recognize your place in the world with your soul’s unique gifts, and returning to your community to offer them. Yet as one of my teachers said, the best preparation for a vision quest is to clean up your life. Clean your house and car, make amends with people you have harmed, ensure all your affairs are in order, get rid of things you don’t need, and tell people you care about what they mean to you. The ego work and personal work come first. It’s not about the ego getting what it wants. Both the soul and the ego are transformed by the process.
Not everyone can or should engage in difficult ordeals such as the vision quest, but life provides ample opportunities for trials and ordeals. It’s up to us to recognize them and relate to them in that way, rather than view it in a one-dimensional way that tries to get through it or out of it as quickly as possible without learning anything or being changed by it.
High-level distinction between ego and soul-based therapy
Ego-based therapy
Oriented toward adaptation, functioning, regulation, and coherence
Assumes the ego should become stronger, clearer, and have more agency
Primary question: “How do we reduce symptoms and improve functioning?”
Soul-based therapy
Oriented toward meaning, image, destiny, and transformation
Assumes suffering may be necessary, purposive, and initiatory
Primary question: “What is trying to be lived, experienced, or known through this?”
Or even more simply:
Ego-based therapy asks:“How do we fix this?”
Soul-based therapy asks:“Why has this arrived now, and what does it want?”
It’s helpful to simplify and condense what I’m discussing to facilitate comprehension, but in practice, those questions remain too simplistic. To fully understand, we would need to ask additional questions, such as: What do we actually envision or mean by “fixing it”? For what purpose or intended outcome? And why is that important to us? And what might I gain or learn from this experience? Even further, what thoughts, feelings, or actions am I unable or unwilling to experience that would be appropriate for the situation? Ego-based therapy seeks to solve and move on, but to what end? Often in our culture, it is about ending or avoiding pain or gaining something materially. Soul-based therapy seeks to deepen understanding of life and to navigate it more richly at an intangible level.
When it becomes excessive and problematic, ego-based therapy is invested in helping the ego get what it wants and feel better at all costs. The ego wants comfort, predictability, sameness, and pleasure. There is nothing wrong with any of those things, but when they become the primary goal, the process can be superficial and short-lasting, prompting further seeking for the next thing to try to feel better. It’s why some people jump from one healing modality to another, trying to find the thing that will help their ego get what it wants. At its worst, ego-based therapy breeds narcissism, enabling an already domineering ego to believe everyone around them is responsible for giving them what they want, making them feel better, and meeting their needs.
Soul-based work helps the whole person experience some degree of health, comfort, pleasure, and improved well-being, regardless of external circumstances. Soul-based work doesn’t depend on a spa-like experience to feel good, where ego-based work does. The ego wants what it wants, and it wants it now. The soul is patient and willing to allow the ego to suffer a bit so that it can learn deeper lessons. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not about a pervasive masochistic suffering, that is still ego-based. And it is not about not trying to improve life for yourself and others. It is holding a broader perspective and working steadily toward your purpose or calling, regardless of ego gratification or outcome.
Because our ego is our seat of consciousness, it requires care and tending. Too much harshness can cause wounding and disconnection from the soul and the world. But if we cater only to the ego’s needs, we’re trapped, as the ego prioritizes survival above all else. The ego’s self-preservation view wants to deny the reality of death, hardship, and ordeals that we all must also face as we live life in our bodies.
In a moment, I’ll give a few examples of how an ego-based psychology and a soul-based psychology differ in their approach to specific situations. But first, I want to remind you that we must have some level of ego health to engage in a soul-based paradigm. Different ego psychologies have different definitions of what healthy ego functioning looks like, but to give you an idea, here are a few benchmarks.
Some level of ability to be aware of, articulate, and differentiate between thoughts, feelings, intuitions, and actions. Being able to accurately assess, feel, plan, and act. Can have feelings, including strong feelings, without being overwhelmed by them, acting them out, or shutting down.
A healthy recognition of rules, social norms, and the consequences of not following them. In some cases, the ability to deviate from them when necessary to align with ethics or morality, and a recognition of the consequences. In other words, a healthy relationship with inner and outer authority.
Ability to be appropriately assertive, not passive and withdrawn or overly aggressive. Recognizing the proper time and place for yielding or asserting.
Flexibility with serving in different roles in life. Being firm in a role when necessary and flexible when appropriate. In other words, taking appropriate action when necessary and refraining from action when prudent.
Recognition and appreciation of different forms of beauty, love, and eros. Ability to create and engage with beauty in whatever forms call to you.
Being able to differentiate between inner fantasy and outer reality, and recognize the pros and cons of both.
Can tolerate some level of paradox and ambiguity.
Has a capacity for various forms of relatedness. For example: can sustain emotional closeness without losing oneself, can tolerate separation, difference, and disappointment, others are experienced as whole people, not objects or functions
Ability to reflect on the reasons for thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to understand why you have them, and why other people have different ones. Can reflect on motivations, defenses, and relational patterns. Curious rather than defensive about inner life.
Recognizing and appreciating different changes and cycles in life, such as life stages and roles.
Again, these are ego-based abilities. As we examine the specific examples below, you will see how ego-based interventions help develop these essential attributes. Soul-based interventions help to see the broader picture beyond the immediate crisis. And soul-based work is more about being with what is, whatever it is, relating to it, and learning from it rather than doing something about it and being overly invested in the outcome. We need both modes; we can’t neglect either.
We need attention to and care for both our ego and our soul to develop health and wholeness!
Soul-based work without sufficient ego strength leads to destabilization
Ego-based work without soul = emptiness, repetition, and spiritual deadness
Example: Panic attacks
Ego-based approach
Clinical stance
Panic is a maladaptive physiological/cognitive loop
Goal: symptom reduction and self-regulation
Interventions
Psychoeducation about the nervous system
Breathing and grounding techniques
Cognitive restructuring of catastrophic thoughts
Exposure to feared sensations
Therapeutic Language
“Your body is misinterpreting threat. Let’s help you regain control and reduce the panic.”
Success looks like
Fewer panic attacks
Increased sense of mastery
Return to normal functioning
Soul-based approach
Clinical stance
Panic is a breakthrough of the unconscious
Ego control is already failing for a reason
Interventions
Amplification of images and fantasies during panic
Tracking symbolic content (death, collapse, annihilation, rebirth) Relational holding rather than regulation
Exploration of life situations where the soul feels trapped or unlived
Therapist language
“Something in you is insisting on being felt. What happens if we don’t push it away?”
Success looks like
A shift in life orientation or values
Panic becomes meaningful, even if not eliminated Greater tolerance for ambiguity and depth
Example: Depression after a breakup
Ego-based approach
Clinical stance
Depression = loss + distorted thinking + withdrawal Goal: restore functioning and mood
Interventions
Challenging self-blame and hopeless beliefs
Social reconnection
Goal setting
Psychoeducation on relationships and communication
Therapist language
“Let’s help you get unstuck and rebuild your life.”
Success looks like
Improved mood
Re-engagement with work and relationships
Reduced rumination
Soul-based approach
Clinical stance
Depression = descent, mourning the loss of an identity or soul-image
Pathology may be the refusal to descend, not the descent itself
Interventions
Staying with emptiness, loss, grief, and deadness
Working with dreams
Exploring who died in the relationship (not just who left)
Avoiding premature “rebuilding”
Establishing deeper relationship with oneself
Therapist language
“Depression may be asking you to stop becoming who you were.”
Success looks like
A deeper, humbler self-structure
New values emerging slowly Grief metabolized rather than bypassed
Example: Relationship conflict
Ego-based approach
Clinical stance
Conflict = poor communication or unmet needs
Interventions
Assertiveness training
Boundary setting
Needs and feelings identification
Effective communication and conflict-resolution skills
Psychoeducation on attachment styles (if an intimate relationship)
Therapist language
“What do you need, and how can you ask for it clearly?”
Success looks like
Fewer fights
Better negotiation
Clearer boundaries
Soul-based approach
Clinical stance
Conflict = archetypal pattern playing itself out
Partners are constellating complexes, archetypes, and gods in each other
Interventions
Recognizing projections and shadow material
Working with repetitive relational myths
Identifying other places in life these patterns appear – ie: family of origin
Group work (to recognize how these patterns show up with others – it’s not just about the specific person)
Therapist language
“Who is being met in the other—and who is being avoided in yourself?”
Success looks like
Increased symbolic awareness
Less blaming
Capacity to hold paradox in intimacy
In Soul-Based Work:
Symptoms are symbolic communications
They may be necessary, purposive, or initiatory
Eliminating symptoms too quickly can abort the transformation – the ego wants to be done and move on. In soul-based work, symptoms resolve on their own and recur less frequently as lessons are learned and a new relationship to life is developed, leading to long-lasting change.
“The symptom is not the problem; the ego’s misunderstanding of it is.”
We need both ego-based work and soul-based work because traversing these challenges consciously teaches us lessons that evolve both our ego and our soul. We miss that if our only goal is to survive and to end suffering as quickly as possible.
Furthermore, we must function effectively in society. Even in the archetypal hero’s journey, a pattern commonly observed in vision quests and soul-based initiations, there is a return to community. We can’t return to the community and demand everyone sees the world as we see it and behaves how we want them to behave. That’s narcissism. And yet, if we do only ego-based work and learn only to be part of society, we miss the bigger picture and may be adjusting to unhealthy patterns in society.
As Indian philosopher Krishnamurti famously said, “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” It seems he did not actually say that, but it is an accurate paraphrase. What he actually said was,
Is society healthy, that an individual should return to it? Has not society itself helped to make the individual unhealthy? Of course, the unhealthy must be made healthy, that goes without saying; but why should the individual adjust himself to an unhealthy society? If he is healthy, he will not be a part of it. Without first questioning the health of society, what is the good of helping misfits to conform to society?
Aldous Huxley, a close friend of Krishnamurti’s, also wrote a passage that is similar, contained in his book Brave New World Revisited (1958):
The real hopeless victims of mental illness are to be found among those who appear to be most normal. Many of them are normal because they are so well adjusted to our mode of existence, because their human voice has been silenced so early in their lives that they do not even struggle or suffer or develop symptoms as the neurotic does. They are normal not in what may be called the absolute sense of the word; they are normal only in relation to a profoundly abnormal society. Their perfect adjustment to that abnormal society is a measure of their mental sickness. These millions of abnormally normal people, living without fuss in a society to which, if they were fully human beings, they ought not to be adjusted. Source
If you have seen the musical Hadestown, Huxley’s description of well-adjusted people who don’t struggle or suffer aligns well with the depiction of the workers who slave away to Hades in Hadestown. In Hadestown, they have no name, no voice, and they don’t listen. I’ll write a more thorough exploration of the symbolism in Hadestown in the future. For now, I’ll just say this is a great illustration of ego psychology vs soul psychology. The ego may be perfectly content as part of the collective and even unaware that it is suffering. Or it might simply continue working or staying active to avoid whatever awareness of suffering it does have. But as the ego develops the capacity to listen and relate to others and to itself, especially in its own unique thoughts and feelings, and even more importantly to dreams and other ways the soul communicates, there is the possibility of freedom from enslavement in Hadestown.
In summary, to truly heal or transform, the path goes much deeper than learning a few new tools or ideas. It even goes much deeper than a weekend or weeklong retreat or a major rite of passage such as a vision quest. Yet all of those are important. It helps to be able to differentiate between what is of our ego and what is of our soul, or of some higher purpose. We can’t ignore ego-based work, as individuation involves relating to others and engaging with the world. But we can’t stop there either, as we may be getting caught in the collective culture of our times. In fact, that is exactly what has happened with what most people think of when they think of psychology and the psychotherapy practiced from a modern Western perspective. Collective culture engulfs individuals, causing them to lose themselves if not carefully navigated. Yet purely rebelling against collective culture is a simplistic adolescent stance that creates more outcasts. To find health and satisfaction in life for ourselves and our people, we must navigate the fine line between ego-based and soul-based work, while remaining engaged and returning to the world to help create greater health for others and future generations.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.
There are No Shortcuts Here: Forget TikTok attention spans and bullet points. This process takes time, and you can’t rush it. Your conscious “ego” isn’t the boss.
This will be a long article. It will be long because it is a broad framework, and much can be said about Jungian Analysis, Jungian-oriented psychoanalysis, or Analytic Psychology, as it is most often called, or Archetypal Psychology, as James Hillman developed from his Jungian training. However, I hope this will not be overly rambling, as is common in Jung’s writings. In the modern age, when attention must be captured in short TikTok bursts or in bulleted lists, I will do exactly as Jungian work does. I will go against the grain and take as much time as it takes to develop, share, and reveal as much as I can about the process with words. The ego is not in charge here. It cannot be shortened or simplified by ideas alone, as understanding Jungian work from a cognitive dimension is at best only 1/4 of the picture. It is counter-cultural and non-consumerist, in that there is no linear set of steps to follow, no specific set of diagnoses it treats (though there are certainly contraindications), no guaranteed outcome, and it can’t be reduced to a bullet-point list or described in a social media post.
It Evolves as We Evolve: Unlike some other theories, this approach recognizes that people and ideas evolve over lifetimes (even Jung contradicted himself repeatedly — this is a sign of growth, not a weakness of the theory).
I reserve the right to change my mind and describe it completely differently in the future. This is being written in December 2025, after about five years of study in Jungian Psychology and about eight years of my own analysis. This may sound like a lot of time, but I’ll be the first to admit I’m not fully cooked yet, and I’m still learning, growing, and being shaped by my studies and analytic process. Many people don’t take this much time, but everyone’s timeline is different. One of the reasons I’ve chosen to study this approach is that it recognizes that we grow, change, and learn over time. Every day, there is more to learn from life and from our unconscious, which for many presents itself nightly through dreams. But dreams are by no means the only way the unconscious presents itself to us. When you study Jung, you find many contradictions and conflicts as he refined his ideas and continued his own individuation. I believe we should all continue to grow and approach life differently as we mature. Most other theories in practice today don’t account for differences across the lifespan and try to apply the same theory and method to all people at all stages of life. This is short-sighted and disrespectful to the soul.
That said, there is an end goal, and this is the modern age. I’ll do my best to summarize and provide bold bullet-point headings so you can decide whether it is worth your time to go further. I’ll honor both the spirit of the depths and the spirit of the times in this way.
TL;DR: The Main Goal: It’s a custom-tailored, in-depth “initiation” that helps you relate your conscious self (ego) with your personal unconscious and the collective unconscious. The aim is to build a solid inner core, minimize “projecting” your stuff onto others, and recognize your unique role in the world. The core idea of Jungian Psychology is that people are in a constant process to try to be who they are, and when that process gets thwarted, as it does by countless obstacles, people become various flavors of neurotic and miserable.
There is no single good name for it because it is a diverse, in-depth process tailored to each client and therapist at each phase of life, and when it is most effective, it is born anew in each moment of each session. It aims to help each unique person develop a healthy relationship between their conscious ego and the unconscious, to develop a solid internal structure, which helps them project less onto others, be more effective in building healthy relationships, bring their unique gifts and contributions to the world, and recognize their place in the world. I’ve come to see it as a relational process of initiation into the depths of the self and the other (where the other includes other people, the world, the unknown, the unconscious, the not-understandable, the mysterious, etc. ). It is an initiation into the rich depths of both the inner and outer worlds, recognizing archetypal patterns and forces that possess us while recovering wholeness and humanness through individuation across the lifespan.
The primary aim of Analytical Psychology is to facilitate a durable and functional relationship between the conscious ego and the unconscious. As a diverse, custom-tailored process, its effectiveness lies in its capacity to continually renew itself within the unique relational field of the client-analyst relationship. This in-depth work fosters a robust internal structure, which reduces projection, enhances relational capacity, and facilitates the realization of the individual’s unique purpose. Fundamentally, it is an archetypal process of initiation into both the inner and outer worlds-a confrontation with the unknown that restores wholeness through the life-long journey of individuation.
If you want to unpack it all a bit further, let’s carry on:
It’s About Finding Your Own Language: Good analysis helps you learn the unique “symbolic language of your own soul,” rather than forcing you to speak the system’s jargon. Beware of therapists who think they have the answers for you or force you to learn their language!
If you ask other Jungian Analysts, you’ll get many different answers because the process recognizes the uniqueness and subjectivity of each person. When done well, it helps the client learn the unique symbolic language of their own psyche and soul.
Jungian thought has been integrated into many other psychological theories and pop-psychology without attribution (or with criticism). (I’ll refrain from a detailed discussion on how Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a scripted approach working with complexes — maybe in another article.) You may encounter vocabulary commonly used in Jungian thought, such as shadow, complex, persona, anima/animus, ego, psychological types, introversion, extroversion, alchemy, archetypes, projection, personal unconscious, collective unconscious, individuation, etc. In some ways, understanding the structure of the psyche through this vocabulary can be helpful. Still, it can also be a trap, as, without a relational guide to help us see what we can’t see in ourselves, this knowledge can keep us locked into an intellectual understanding alone, which keeps distant the development of the relationship between the ego and soul and the multitude of parts or complexes we contain. To me, any good therapeutic process does not require you to learn the language of its system to participate, but rather to find your own language to describe and understand your unique experience, and to work with and relate to it more effectively. It’s not about drinking anyone’s “Kool-Aid.” However, plenty of misguided therapists, including Jungians, may try to get you to do so, believing they have the answer for you.
It’s “Care for the Soul”: Jungian psychology gets back to the root meaning of “psychology” — the study of the soul — but it’s not tied to any specific religion.
While the movement in academia and business over the last century has been to specialize and silo schools of thought, Jung approached psychology from the perspective that everything that humans have developed has come through the psyche; therefore, psyche and psychology are integrated into everything and found everywhere, and everything has been shaped by psychology. Rather than claiming a single school of thought as the one right way, this system works to integrate diverse systems, just as the diverse ecosystems that make up our planet do. Furthermore, Jung’s psychology stays close to the etymology of the word , which means “study of the soul,” or in other words, Jungian therapy can be seen as care for the soul.” But not from any religious or spiritual tradition, but a care for the soul that recognizes that each person has their own unique path that their soul is on, that may or may not involve a particular spiritual orientation.
James Hillman in Re-Visioning Psychology writes:
“ Soul is rediscovered, and with it comes a rediscovery of human-kind, nature, and world. One begins to see all things psychologically, from the viewpoint of the soul, and the world seems to carry an inner light. The soul’s freedom to imagine takes on preeminence as all previous divisions of life and areas of thought lose their stark categorical structures. Politics, money, religion, personal tastes and relationships, are no longer divided from each other into compartments but have become areas of psychological reflection; psyche is everywhere “ (Re-Visioning Psychology, p. 196).
Why the Name “Jungian” is a Problem: Jung didn’t want a “school” or followers because he didn’t want the work to become dogmatic or rigid. The name risks drawing attention to Jung himself rather than the actual process.
Since the model is based on reclaiming and integrating diverse ways of being, and because every person’s journey is unique and requires different methods and approaches, it is difficult to name. That is probably why people call it Jungian Psychology after the founder. However, this is problematic because Jung did not want a school and didn’t want Jungians to follow him. Yet he eventually agreed to establish a school because he recognized the need for in-depth training to undertake such work. Furthermore, Jung, in the transparency of his own process, made numerous mistakes, which people like to latch onto and discredit everything he wrote. The danger of calling it Jungian is exactly what Jung tried to avoid with his system: he didn’t want it to become dogmatic or codified in any way, which can happen when people focus more on the originator and/or his words than on the process he was describing. A finger pointing to the moon is not the moon, as they say. And the process of sorting what is useful from what is not helpful in our own lives and in what we read is something we all must do.
As we each travel our own unique paths, we can better understand ourselves and one another by examining diverse ways of seeing the world. We all see it differently. This was analyzed using the theory of psychological types. That is, we all have different strengths and weaknesses in thinking, feeling, sensing, and intuition, and the combination of these creates different ways of seeing and interacting with the world. They are not static and fixed; they are fluid and dynamic, and, in fact, we deepen our understanding of ourselves and each other by developing the areas in which we are weaker. In reality, Jung himself recognized that the system was incomplete, but it served as a starting point for understanding how different modes of perception shape consciousness. Modern conversations about consciousness often exhibit a one-sided bias toward either Eastern spirituality or Western science. Still, consciousness is not a monolithic phenomenon over which any discipline, school, or tradition can claim ultimate authority.
The “Blind Men and the Elephant” Parable: This image vividly illustrates how different schools of psychology (and people in general) grasp one piece of the truth and mistake it for the whole. Jungian psychology tries to honor all those perspectives.
Because this approach encompasses the diversity of human experience and the unconscious, which, by definition, can never be fully known, the parable of the blind men and the elephant is a powerful image for illustrating what is happening in both Jungian psychology, the field of psychology as a whole, and in each of us as we try to relate to our psyche and unconscious. The story concerns a group of blind men who have never encountered an elephant and learn its nature by touching it. Each blind man feels only a different part of the animal’s body, such as the side or the tusk. They then describe the animal based on their limited experience, and their descriptions of the elephant differ. In some versions, they suspect the other person is dishonest and come to blows. The moral of the parable is that humans tend to claim absolute truth based on their limited, subjective experience while ignoring others’ equally valid subjective experiences.
It is easy to see how each branch of psychology and psychotherapy, such as cognitive, somatic, emotionally focused, trauma-informed, relational, developmental, behavioral, social, psychodynamic, personality, etc, has focused itself. We can easily become grandiose when we study only one system, believing we have the right way to understand people and the proper therapeutic methods. Just like each branch of science or religion can do the same. However, as the parable illustrates, they are all just different methods of describing the same thing from a limited perspective. When we become attached to a single right way and try to defend it, it can become violent and ruin relationships, creating further division. Jungian Psychology attempts to educate the practitioner from the perspective that all ways of seeing are valid, and that it is up to the therapist to understand their own ways of seeing and being, and how they compare and relate to the other, while guiding the client to find their own, without dogmatically telling the client what to do. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of work and education to appreciate and see things from many different perspectives.
It Avoids Being Too Bossy: It requires maturity on the part of both the client and the therapist to avoid the “authoritative trap” of wanting someone to give the “right way.” It teaches you to orient yourself.
We all want someone to tell us the right way sometimes, especially when we are at our lowest or most lost. But taking the time to learn to orient ourselves to ourselves and the world around us helps us avoid getting lost and teaches us how to navigate unfamiliar terrain in the future. It Works (Eventually). When we learn what works for us and how other things work for other people, it is much easier to navigate the world and the people around us. That is why there is evidence to suggest depth-oriented approaches and Jungian Psychotherapy in particular is effective in creating long-lasting change . Recognizing we each have things that work better for us, and everyone is different, is a much-needed perspective in our modern, divisive world, which brings more peaceful interpersonal relationships.
So Many Names, Still No Perfect One. Despite being involved in many different forms of Jungian study over the years, I’ve never heard a term to describe it that I really liked. In my quest for a better name for Jungian Analysis, I asked ChatGPT for suggestions, thinking maybe I just haven’t been exposed to the best term yet, but hopefully, in its infinite scouring of the internet, maybe it found a better term. It gave me many suggestions, all accurate in their own ways, and at the same time emphasising one blind man’s perspective — that is, describing one aspect of it at the expense of others. Here are some additional names that convey its various facets.
Relational Depth Work
Relational Jungian Therapy
Depth-Oriented Relational Therapy
Experiential Depth Psychotherapy
Intrapersonal & Interpersonal Depth Work
Relational Soul Work
Soul-Oriented Psychotherapy
Archetypal Soul Work
Symbolic Process Work
Inner Life Work
Psychospiritual Depth Work
Work with the Living Psyche
Soul-Centered Therapy
Archetypal Depth Work
Therapy for the Inner Journey
Shadow & Soul Work
Depth Psychology Counseling
Inner Work Psychotherapy
Unconscious Process Work
Dream-Oriented Psychotherapy
Symbolic Depth Work
Integrative Depth Therapy
Mythopoetic Psychotherapy
Imaginal Psychotherapy
Deep Inner Work Therapy
Transformational Therapy
Therapy for Personal Meaning
Therapy for Self-Discovery
Insight-Oriented Therapy
Mind–Body–Soul Therapy
Therapy for the Deep Self
Inner Exploration Therapy
Whole-Person Depth Therapy
As you can see, many names describe one facet, but no one name can describe it all!
Avoid One-Sided Thinking: The system’s value is in recognizing and avoiding “one-sidedness,” making room for the complexity of reality. This applies to Jung’s theories, the author’s thoughts, and other psychological theories (e.g., CBT, IFS).
For me, one of the most valuable parts of the theory and process is the recognition and avoidance of one-sidedness. Many of the terms fall into this trap. But that doesn’t mean we should avoid words or terminology altogether; we need them to describe and differentiate. And then it is up to us not to let them lock us into a rigid, one-sided, rational way of thinking about things. That includes all of Jung’s theories as well! Neither Jung nor his students have the correct answers, but they point to important things to examine and relate to. So bring all the criticism of Jung and my thoughts on the process! It’s needed! And apply it to all of the other theories as well! CBT, IFS, somatic, trauma-focused, etc…. They are all helpful to a particular person at one specific moment. And let’s see if we can gently pry things open a bit more to get some more space to breathe and maneuver before we get so one-sided and fixed into one way of being in the world. That includes being “Jungian!” I consider this a key essential skill in our increasingly polarized world.
At its core, the process is one of seeing through to the core. That is where the word analysis comes in. Many people have negative associations with the word analysis. Still, the process is one of taking apart, analyzing carefully, seeing what is happening behind the scenes, so that one can be put back together more completely and function more smoothly without being derailed by habitual thoughts, feelings, or patterns. The negative views of analysis are worth unpacking in themselves. The world’s complexity and diversity, and his continued development and evolution throughout his life, account for the extensive rambling and diversity of thought in Jungian writing. However, it is aimed at seeing through, in whatever dimension the client is coming from or needs to work with, what is occurring in life at that time. Most importantly, it helps people derive meaning from and learn from their suffering, thereby growing, developing, and gaining greater mastery over their lives.
“We don’t so much solve our problems as we outgrow them. We add capacities and experiences that eventually make us bigger than the problems.” — C.G. Jung
Relational Aspects are Key: The work on alchemy shows that Jung’s ideas were very relational. The goal is to see past the personal drama to the deeper, “archetypal core” of your relationships.
In The Mystery of Human Relationship, Jungian Analyst Nathan Schwartz-Salant writes:
“In a sense, the alchemical way is one in which the analyst sees with the larger vision of the self; the scientific way is one in which he or she sees through the vision of the ego. The alchemical way sees through the eyes, whereas the scientific way sees with the eyes. Whereas the scientific way cannot encompass both opposites at the same time, the alchemical way can encompass both opposites simultaneously by situating them in a middle realm, the subtle body or the interactive field, the very existence of which scientific thinking denies” (p. 98–99).
Because of the collective cultural biases of our time and the introverted nature of many people who are drawn to Jung, the relational aspects of Jung are sometimes overlooked. Science is very important to much of our world, but it is one of many ways of seeing, all of which are important. Jung’s writings on alchemy and the Rosarium Philosophorum are foundational and closely aligned with the relational schools of psychoanalysis that emerged later in the century. But again, the key is that in a Jungian Analysis, we don’t get caught in the personal, but see through to the archetypal core of the dynamics at play in relationships with the analyst, intimate partners, family, and friends. It’s not about the ego’s desires, feelings, or unmet needs. Yet, being able to see and understand them, and their sources, can help reduce the extent to which they compel us and drive our lives.
It’s All About Individuation: This is the process of developing a relationship between your ego and your Self/soul to become your most whole self. It’s about letting the ego be a healthy part of you — no more, no less.
Lastly, as I’ve explored in other writings, Jungian Analysis is about aiding someone’s process of individuation. Individuation is a process of developing a relationship between the ego and the Self/soul, and all of the multitude of different parts of ourselves, which allows us to become as much of our full, whole self as possible in this lifetime. Not trying to destroy the ego or transcend the ego, just letting it be what it is. No more, no less. This is relativizing the ego.
Don’t Become a Jerk: Individuation means being able to enjoy and relate well to people who are different from you, rather than becoming a self-absorbed, judgmental hermit or dominating others with your beliefs.
We need a healthy ego and relationships with others as we individuate, because if we become a misanthrope who distances from or judges others, we’re only continuing to project our shadow. A good Jungian analysis helps us to appreciate people who are different from us more, rather than creating more distance. It is a process of recognizing and detaching from being controlled by the influence of the other — of our upbringing, of the other person, and of the culture, collective beliefs, and the collective unconscious, while remaining in relationship to the world. If we attend only to ourselves and do not relate well to or care for others, especially those who differ from us, we become more narcissistic. But we also cannot be infected by others’ beliefs and feelings.
It’s an Experience, Not a Theory: All the words and theories are just maps. The process itself is an experience, an initiation into yourself, the world, and transformation, using the symbols that arise in your own life.
You Have What You Need: The answers are already within you; you just need to look, listen, speak, and live.
No matter how we describe the process, it is NOT being led by the client’s, therapist’s, or someone else’s ego, or by anyone’s conceptualization of how to live one’s life. While reading more about Jung’s theories can dangerously lead to following someone else’s path or to intellectualizing the process, it can be helpful to understand the map. However, we cannot mistake the map for the terrain. There is nothing inherently bad about maps or intellectualizing; we don’t want to diminish or prioritize thinking, feeling, sensing, or intuition in our approach to ourselves or the world. We need all of these ways of being. I’ve tried to put some words to it while minimizing jargon. Still, even these words, along with the writings of other Jungian-oriented scholars, are insufficient to describe the process thoroughly. There is no adequate name to describe it. It’s an experience. It’s an initiation. Into yourself. Into the world. Into life. And death. And the natural process transformation. Through the symbols that present themselves to you in your one unique and precious life. You already have everything you need. You don’t need to look outside yourself for answers. They are right there. You just have to look. You just have to listen. And speak. And live.
Chickpea to Cook
Rumi — Translated by Coleman Barks
A chickpea leaps almost over the rim of the pot
where it’s being boiled.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’
The cook knocks him down with the ladle.
‘Don’t you try to jump out.
You think I’m torturing you.
I’m giving you flavor,
so you can mix with spices and rice
and be the lovely vitality of a human being.
Remember when you drank rain in the garden.
That was for this.’
Grace first. Sexual pleasure,
then a boiling new life begins,
and the Friend has something good to eat.
Eventually the chickpea will say to the cook,
‘Boil me some more.
Hit me with the skimming spoon.
I can’t do this by myself.
I’m like an elephant that dreams of gardens
back in Hindustan and doesn’t pay attention
to his driver. You’re my cook, my driver,
my way into existence. I love your cooking.’
The cook says,
‘I was once like you,
fresh from the ground. Then I boiled in time,
and boiled in the body, two fierce boilings.
My animal soul grew powerful.
I controlled it with practices,
and boiled some more, and boiled
once beyond that,
and became your teacher.’
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist and Analytic Psychology Training Candidate practicing in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.
My Life is the Medicine is a new podcast hosted by Chuck Hancock. Chuck sits down to have conversations with people to look at how life has provided numerous lessons and initiations already that we sometimes overlook. Instead, we get lost seeking new, bigger, or better experiences.
In the age of abundant experts and gurus, we take the subversive stance that you are actually the only expert you need for your own life. By looking closer at your own life experiences – both the ones that felt good and the array of challenges you had, you can harvest all the wisdom and medicine you need to guide your unique life and offer your unique gifts and wisdom to the world. We have conversations with ordinary people to look closer at how everyday experiences of living life have shaped us and taught us profound lessons. Often we don’t think much of our choices and experiences, but in reality, they all have a profound meaning. Instead of just moving from one thing to the next, we can slow down and pause to integrate the initiations that life has already provided, to become even more whole, balanced, and able to bring the medicine of our life, the medicine we’ve already been given, into the world.
A Depth Psychology Growth Group Bridging Inner Life and Outer Life Adventures
Some Definitions of Soul
an active or essential part
the part of the human being that thinks, feels, and makes the body act
the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment
energy or power of mind or feelings; spirit; fervor
the cause of inspiration or energy; leading spirit; prime mover
spiritual or moral force
the embodiment of some quality; personification
the spirit of a dead person
the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
a person’s total self
You may or may not believe you have a soul. That is not a prerequisite for this group. If you have a desire to deepen your connection with, relationship to, and grow the health of any of the above descriptions, this group is for you. This group is a space to learn about and work with your psyche, personal psychology developed by your experiences and narrative about those experiences, interpersonal relationships (how you show up with others), and the transpersonal (anything bigger than and beyond yourself).
Join us in community for depth healing utilizing the map and mirrors of depth somatic experiential psychology. This group will bridge the world of our ordinary waking life roles and structures with that of our inner world. This is not a group about fixing you, teaching you skills, or requiring you to be “better” – rather it is a group where all of you, in your brilliance and in your struggle with shadow, is welcome. It is a group that is led by psyche, soul, and spirit informed by your life and experience facilitated by a trained guide (not a teacher).
In this group, you bring the topics – based on what is alive in you. What is challenging you? What is inspiring you? What is showing up in your world that feels impactful or meaningful? Whether that aliveness is a dream you had, a poem or song that moved you, a meditation practice that taught you, a social media post that triggered you or brightened your day, grief that brought you to your knees, a stuck-ness so tight it paralyzes you or a movement that opened or freed you, this group is a space to bring more life and soul into your world in a community of fellow practitioners.
Who is this group for?
In the group process, there are many “problems” or pain points that can lead someone to join. It could be anxiety in general, or about the state of the world and its political, social, economic, and health issues. It could be that you are feeling depressed, stuck, stagnant, alone, misunderstood, or constantly sad. You may have a hard time knowing your place in this ever changing world. This group starts with the philosophy that we are all human, and we are all in this together. And through working through our individual “problems” together, we help each other. And perhaps even see that they are not problems, but invitations to grow. This group is for people willing to engage in their own healing by giving and receiving support, and opening to wisdom and support of a variety of modalities that connect you with your heart, mind, body, and soul.
We aim toward self leadership and self actualization. How do we do that?
We are all struggling to know and become the fullest version of our “real,” true, unique selves. We create a space to learn more about ourselves and experience new aspects of ourselves through content, process, and interpersonal relationships with other group members.
We recognize we have the tendency to deny our own needs and feelings. To pretend to be someone we aren’t or to avoid facing our true self inhibits growth. In this group, we take responsibility for owning our needs and feelings and expressing unexpressed thoughts, so the facilitator and other group members co-create the space to meet those new places in yourself and possibly have your needs and feelings met in an embodied way.
We believe each individual is endowed with the urge to expand, develop, mature, and reach self-actualization. We believe that true growth and healing come from within, and this group is designed to help facilitate that process.
Even in the best of times, it is easy to fall into despair – by not living the life that is yours to live or by feeling disconnected from the greater story of life and your place in the order of things. In these times of chaos and uncertainty, this group will help you reconnect to the life that is yours to live and reconnect you with the bigger picture and meaning to provide fuel and inspiration for the challenges we face.
Logistics
Ongoing. Weekly. Thursdays 11:30-1:00. In person with a zoom in option for health or travel.
Open to all genders age 25+.
8-week minimum commitment to allow for relationships and group containers to form. Stay as long as the group is beneficial to you.
Financial Investment $30-$60 per group sliding scale.
About the facilitator:Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is passionate about group work being an important part of our growth and healing journey. With over a decade of experience guiding individual and group processes in council, dreamwork, interpersonal process groups, psychodrama, meditation, Hakomi somatic psychotherapy, ego state (parts) work, Jungian psychology, movement, music, and nature based practices. He weaves all of these practices together to help clients locate themselves in the world co-creating new experiences of authenticity, depth, meaning, insight, and inspiration. With the diversity of members, modalities, and lineages the community formed in a group experience offers more possibility and amplification of the growth process.
To register for more information to decide if this group is right for you, email [email protected] or call 970.829.0478.
“The guest is inside you, and also inside me;
you know the sprout is hidden inside the seed.
We are all struggling; none of us has gone far.
Let your arrogance go, and look around inside.
The blue sky opens out farther and farther,
the daily sense of failure goes away,
the damage I have done to myself fades,
a million suns come forward with light,
when I sit firmly in that world.
I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken,
inside “love” there is more joy than we know of,
rain pours down, although the sky is clear of clouds,
there are whole rivers of light.
The universe is shot through in all parts by a single sort of love.
How hard it is to feel that joy in all our four bodies!
Those who hope to be reasonable about it fail.
The arrogance of reason has separated us from that love.
With the word “reason” you already feel miles away.”
Thankfully, there is no shortage of advice available on how to reduce stress and have more peace. In our (over) information age, practically any mainstream media, social media, and all the flavors of helpers have made clear the benefits of mindfulness, yoga, exercise, and ….
Yet for some reason, people are still struggling, in some ways more than ever! Why is that?
Yes, you could point to the pandemic along with social and political upheaval, however if we are really honest, you’ll see these problems existed long before 2020. In the Interpersonal Process Men’s group I run, whenever someone would start to blame the pandemic and social isolation, I would ask, “So which of these problems that you are struggling with the most are new since the start of the pandemic?” The answer was always none of them.
When I get new clients who have been following all the media advice, the first sessions sometimes sound like, “I know I just need to meditate more, or exercise more, or talk to my partner about it, and it will all be fine.” That’s not wrong, but it ignores the fact that something is keeping them from actually doing it, and worse it can be turned into a “should weapon.” That is “I should do this, I know this, what is wrong with me for not?”
Further, all of these skills fall into the category of “coping skills.” These are things that you can do either immediately or proactively reduce stress and live a healthier life. They don’t, however, actually change any of the deeper patterns that create high levels of stress in the first place. I’ve worked with many highly educated, top-of-their-field type people who have very disciplined self-care and meditation practices, yet are still struggling and suffering deeply. The higher you climb, and the higher the stress, the more coping skills become a band-aid, not a cure.
So what brings true peace then? In my experience, it is knowing yourself deeply, which includes knowing your human ego and what influences it, as well as knowing your soul and being in harmony with yourself. This means disarming the critical voices and being able to love and see the value of all parts of us. Once we know these things, we can then live in better balance and alignment with our values and purpose. This does not mean retreating from society, changing careers, having a better education, or a better-paying job. Rather, it means you know how to engage fully with life, effectively coming from a place of knowing and trusting in yourself.
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
― Albert Camus
Fully knowing yourself and achieving a fuller consciousness happen through living life and through honest self-reflection and self-appraisal, which can only occur in the context of a relationship with others. If we do it alone, we stay stuck because we can’t see our blind spots. Meditation and mindfulness is a great start and an essential tool. But it doesn’t fully illuminate all parts of ourselves like being in a therapeutic relationship with a trusted mentor, guide, therapist, or friend.
So, don’t just settle for coping while adding more and more self-care to your busy schedule, especially if you then don’t get it done and beat yourself up about it. Healthy coping and self-care routines are a great start and necessary foundation, but eventually you’ll need to get off the treadmill and carve out the time to truly know yourself in your shadow and in your brilliance. And then you will be free to thrive in the world, no matter what challenges are thrown at you.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
How Leave No Trace (LNT) Camping Ethics Apply to Your Shame and Pain
Yes, you read that right! Scatter your shame and pain, intentionally! What have you been doing with your shame and pain? If you are like most people, you hide it, deny it, or perhaps unload it on one best friend or your romantic partner. But the problem with that is it comes out sideways, when you least expect it. Or it stagnates and rots inside you. Or you overburden your best friend or partner expecting too much. So what do you do about it?
In LNT principles, you minimize your impact on our environment by scattering cool ashes and scattering your strained dishwater. Why? You pack out trash, but you don’t want to carry dead organic material from the past with you. That is best left to return to the earth to be broken down and fertilize the next generations of life And leaving a pile of waste is an eyesore, attracts animals, and over-taxes one spot. Especially if you leave food scraps in a pile, it will decompose and stink.
Pain and shame is a natural organic human experience. Just like the lifecycle represented with food and ashes. Our emotional “yucky stuff” needs to be handled just like physical “yucky stuff.” It can’t be ignored, don’t let it accumulate, don’t leave it for others to deal with. Give it a proper treatment by straining out the big bits, and dispersing the small pieces where they don’t cause harm and in some cases can even nourish other forms of life.
Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown advises that we handle these feelings just like we strain our dishwater or separate ashes from incompletely burned charred firewood. First separate what you do from who you are. You may have done something you regret, but it doesn’t mean you are bad. Guilt is feeling bad about what you did, which can be a healthy emotion that causes a change in behavior. Shame is saying who you are is bad. This is destructive and causes future harm, to yourself obviously, but to others in your life as well. Shamed people shame people. Don’t allow your shame to fester, rot, or accumulate or it will impact others by you shaming or judging them.
After we strain our dishwater or cool our ashes, we spread them so we don’t concentrate them in one spot. The next step of dealing with shame or pain is the same. Find lots of people who can share a little bit of your story. Shame lives in secrecy. The best way to free yourself of shame or pain is to shed light on it rather than hide it. Unloading everything on one person can be too much. But by having good friends, a partner, family, a support group, a therapist and/or therapy group, etc you can share appropriate parts with trustworthy people, eventually freeing yourself of the burden, while not overtaxing one person.
Doing what I do, I am exposed to the pain, shame, and trauma of lots of people. And of course I’m human too and create plenty of my own! I’m trained to work with these hazardous feelings and am better equipped than your average friend, but even I can’t hold that myself. And you too may have experienced more than your fair share of “yucky stuff,” so this tip can apply to you too. Over the years of doing therapy, I’ve assembled my own pain dispersal system. I have my own therapist, a men’s group, mentor(s), a peer consultation group, and several good male and female friends, a great relationship with my romantic partner, and spiritual practices and rituals that I can share and disperse my own pain and “yucky stuff” with. Due to confidentiality, I obviously can’t and don’t talk about other people’s details, but I certainly can talk about my own pain and how I am impacted by what I experience in my life. Often that is a better way to connect anyhow. People don’t always need to know the details, and often can’t even relate to your specific experience, but everyone can connect and empathize with the feelings you have. Get to the point, get real, and connect on your shared emotional human experience. And assemble a your own personal tribe of people so each person can handle a little bit, and nobody gets overburdened, especially the people closest to you.
When you don’t own your story, your story owns you. When you own your story, you are free to edit and re-author it any way you choose. When you don’t own your story, it controls your feelings and behaviors, often perpetuating the shame and pain. When you own your guilt, shame, or pain and spread it intentionally, it doesn’t harm you or anyone else. In fact, sometimes it can be a gift to teach others from your experience. But when you hold it, deny it, or repress it, it rots and overburdens you. It gets worse and will get spread unconsciously and possibly cause more harm to you and others in your life. With great circle of trustworthy people you can be real and vulnerable with, you can unburden yourself, without burdening others to free yourself up to write the next chapter of your life with more joy and ease. Spread it! Carefully and intentionally.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
Authentic, attuned relationship is a huge focus of mine both personally and in my therapy practice. There is a lot of research supporting the importance of relationship as a healing factor. In this video, psychologist and sociologist Sherry Turkle who has been studying how technology changes not only what we do but who we are discusses the impact of technology on our lives. Some highlight quotes to tempt your curiosity:
“We expect more from technology and less from each other.”
“Technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable.”
“We are lonely, but we are afraid of intimacy.”
“From social networks to sociable robots we are designing technologies that give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control.”
Relationships are hard, and messy, and we often don’t know what to say. Communicating only through technology gives us time to present our best self, craft the perfect message, but we miss each other in our authenticity. Despite being more connected than ever, I talk to more people than ever reporting feeling alone.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
Starting (Continuing) School – For kids big and small
I just left my son after spending the first hour of his public education experience with him. I was surprised to feel the immense emotions and tears that came flooding in as soon as I left him. When I was there, I was the rock. I was solid, reassuring, gently guiding and encouraging, acquainting him with the room, teacher, and other kids he’ll be spending over 1,000 hours of his life in. But not a cold heartless, detached rock. I could feel him deeply – his simultaneous apprehension and strength in being immersed in his new environment. Hearing all the advice handed down to me from other parents, I started to dismiss everything I felt as “normal” or just part of it, but as soon as I walked away, it hit me.
The teacher is good, kind, professional. She invited him and the other students to choose their own dot to sit on for whatever was next. I gave him one last hug and kiss for the day and he went over to join the other kids, but in his own way, at the far edge of the mat. Looking a little sad, a little scared, then – a little angry? It shocked me. I didn’t see it coming. But again, I dismissed it as “normal,” just part of the experience.
I’m tempted to just ignore it, pick up my smartphone, post only the sweet happy picture, move on with my
day and ignore these feelings. I could just call this “normal” and move on. But as I sit with these feelings, not avoiding but feeling fully and exploring with curiosity, they talk to me.
I realize that today marks the first real day of his experience in the “system” – the overburdened under-resourced system in charge of taking care of and educating our kids. The system that despite the level of skill, training, and care of the teacher, cannot possibly provide the same level of understanding, knowing, and individual connection that a sensitive child needs to feel safe and thrive.
I saw today how much like me my son is, and there are so many parts of me I wish he didn’t have to inherit. He is strong and capable of doing what is asked of him, but it comes with a cost. The cost of ignoring his feelings and his truth. The cost of ignoring and overriding what we really feel to “fit in.” The cost of separating a little more from our self.
As I dig deeper I feel into the parts of me that have been so wounded in school. Feeling shy, awkward, not fitting in, afraid to introduce myself to new people, wanting to play and have fun, but being unable to due to all the things I feel. I feel into the parts of me that know what I want, and feel it is not available there. As I feel in deeper I touch the places in me that were made fun of by other kids, the parts of me that felt like I don’t belong, the part of me that was made to feel bad by teachers when I spoke up for myself, and the parts that felt stupid, awkward, nerdy, out of place. Maybe it was just projection, but it felt as if I could see and feel all of those things in him. I felt like I had cursed him to relive all of the hard things I experienced in school.
In the moments before I left, we went out to get his water bottle from his back pack. He said he wasn’t really thirsty, but hungry. I told him it wasn’t time to eat now, that he would have to wait a bit. I felt him sink. It wasn’t the school or the teacher who committed the first act of violence, it was me. I was the one who took him there and I was the one asking him to ignore his needs to fit in with the system and obey the schedule.
I could go on and on about countless transgressions throughout my school experience that shaped how I show up in the world, but I don’t want to sound like a drama queen. You may think I’m blowing it out of proportion. (Heck, there is certainly a part of me that does.) Besides, what’s the big deal, I got over it. I found ways to make friends, develop coping strategies (some healthy, some not), and be successful. I made it out ok. Today I’m fine (mostly). But these experiences matter. They shape us – and don’t want to ignore these things so often brushed off and not spoken of.
Before I started really looking into myself with the lens of mindfulness, therapy, and personal growth I dismissed these things I felt and told myself they were no big deal and I was being too sensitive, dramatic, or even worse names I won’t repeat here. Of course I drank a lot from age 16-30+, and was unhappy, but hey, that’s what everyone else does too, right? But I’m sharing these words because they are my truth. And I’m sharing now, because I didn’t have the awareness, words, or people who would listen then.
I’m feeling tremendous grief. For all my past hurts, for all the ways I was rejected by others and the ways I rejected myself. I’m feeling tremendous sadness for introducing my son to the beginning of this system that has the potential to cause him so much suffering. But my point is not to dwell in the pain and sorrow, but to give words to and acknowledge it, as part of the experience of living in our world today. But my question is, “Is it necessary?”
So many parents feel mixed emotions on this day, and this is my attempt to name some of them specifically, at least from my experience. But my wish is not to dwell on the hurts of the past (mine) and the future (my son’s), but to acknowledge they exist and move on with a wish for something different for our children. I hope to give voice to those children that may look like nothing is wrong on the outside, but have been deeply impacted. And to forgive myself for my role in bringing my child there and dealing the first blow. I know that no matter how much I have tried to prepare him to do things in a better way than I did, he still has to have his own life and his own experience. And I hope that I can trust that when things are hard for him.
My wish is that the children, their needs, and their feelings are honored, even and especially if they are inconvenient to the adults. I hope and pray that they have the support they need to help them through the hard times, and that with the guidance of attuned parents, teachers, neighbors, friends, and family members they are able to have and remember more moments of joy, play, love, curiosity, innocence, and excitement about life. That our differences and awkwardness are treasured rather than made fun of. That our children are able to live lives that are better than we did, and we are the ones that empower and help create this for them. That children can learn to value and trust themselves, even when it is in opposition to others, especially those in authority. But not that they are reckless anarchists, rather they learn civility and respect of all people, especially those that are different than them and in opposition to them. My wish is that our children are given the love and support they need to not have to struggle, but to feel safe, welcome, and empowered to thrive in this world bringing their unique gifts and talents fully to the world. That they never have to question it, they can just be it.
I don’t know exactly how, but I know it starts with listening to the children, valuing them, valuing their feelings, treating them as equals rather than lower than us. By helping them rather than punishing them when they are feeling scared, angry, or in any way overwhelmed. By creating an environment where children can really be known, not just told what to do. It is harder, it takes more time and resources than we currently give them, and requires a radical paradigm shift, but don’t you think our children are worth it?
On this day, the first day of school, I hope are able to change ourselves and our systems to really (not just in a cheesy mission statement kind of way), but really truly authentically support, empower, and get out of the way, so our children can lead and create a better world, for all of us.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
My heart is hurting for the children – the children who survived the shooting who were there in the school and all the children and teachers who attend schools everyday who were exposed to this news. My heart is hurting for the parents – the parents who lost their young children, the parents who’s children were in the school when it happened, and the all the parents around the world who send their children to school everyday. All of these lives are forever impacted. Rather than focus on the pain of the tragedy, I hope we can focus on the blessing. And it for those directly impacted, it will take time.
When someone is hurting in isolation, it is easy for us to look away thinking it is not my problem. Unfortunately, that is what has enabled this event and the increase in shootings in recent years. Many people are hurting so much in isolation without the support of community they feel they have no choice but to hurt themselves or others in an attempt to communicate or end their pain. Now many more people are dead or hurting, and there is nobody who has heard this news that is not affected by it. The blessing of this event is that it is a slap in the face reminding us of our interconnectedness. One person’s suffering is all of our problem.
If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.
— An Aboriginal Australian woman – Aboriginal activists group, Queensland
I invite you to really feel into yourself the next time you see someone suffering in even the smallest way. You will feel their pain. Modern neuroscience is even showing how and why we feel it with mirror neurons, but we can still choose to detach with alcohol, drugs, TV, busyness, or simply rationalizing about it. It is easy to disconnect, but this shooting makes it next to impossible to not feel it. Don’t disconnect from yourself. Stay present with the suffering you see around you and do something to help. It may be tempting to avoid feeling the grief by taking action too quickly, but avoiding your grief will only prolong it and turn it into fear.
I’m glad to see so many speaking out now on treating “severe” mental illness as a result of this event, but I feel we can’t just put the blame on those people with “severe” symptoms. These are just the people that feel our societal problems the most. They are the canaries in the coal mine. They are the ones being ostracized in the biggest way, but we all feel separate and isolated with nowhere to turn for help in our own small ways, and we can’t ignore it any longer.
With this reminder of our interconnectedness, perhaps we can now focus on helping each other. Putting more locks on schools or passing laws about gun control will do absolutely nothing if we continue to ignore each other’s suffering. We all have it. Let’s not wait until it gets extreme enough to cause any more serious harm. Don’t ignore your unhappy coworker, neighbor, cashier, classmate, or stranger. Don’t ignore your own unhappiness. Get help. Be help. Get authentically reconnected with the people you see everyday. It’s important.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC is a National Certified Counselor and Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.
This article examines the differences between ego-based and soul-based psychological work and why both are necessary at different times. We should not conflate the two.
