Individuation isn’t a solo project—it’s a shared journey of showing up for yourself and others.
In our modern age, how many of us truly have a place where we regularly meet with others to build ongoing relationship? Not just a place where we see familiar faces or exchange pleasantries, but a space where we share and listen personally -authentically, honestly, and vulnerably-so that we can be seen and known, and in turn, see and know others.
The Illusion of Connection
Perhaps you’re someone who, through the gift of extroversion or fortunate life circumstances, has a strong social circle. You might see one another often enough to feel cared for and supported by the community. Yet how many of these circles include -not only demographic diversity, but differences in worldview, politics, religion, relationship status, and belief? Most of us tend to surround ourselves with people who are more like us than not.
The importance of relationships that unfold over years, not just days or months, has been apparent to me throughout my life. In an era of technological “connection,” the reality for most of us is a landscape of disconnection. This makes it all the more vital to have real, sustained relationships.
Social media tends to either reinforce our existing views or inflame us with opposing views, casting others as wrong or even dangerous. It takes intention to cultivate caring relationships with people who see the world differently from us.
The Limits of Temporary Community
Over the years, I’ve attended countless retreats, workshops, and classes that promised community. Many of them even use the word in their marketing. Yet something was always missing.
I’ve come to realize that, no matter how inspiring the experience or language, without an ongoing relationship, these offerings often perpetuate the same consumerist pattern that dominates our culture. We sign up, pay a fee, attend, perhaps feel nourished-and then return to our individual, isolated homes until it’s time to purchase the next experience we hope will fill the gap. Despite our digital connections and community-themed events, many people still feel profoundly lonely. It might feel good to see a familiar face, but it does not replace a sustained, authentic relationship.
What’s the Alternative? Real, Ongoing Relationship
Ongoing, authentic relationship with multiple people. In other words: a group.
Many religious and community organizations attempt to meet this need, but the community is often transient. People attend for a while and move on when it no longer meets their expectations, or worse, they must trade parts of their authentic selves to belong.
In most groups, belonging has a cost. The essential question is whether that cost is conscious and transparent or unconscious, requiring us to abandon parts of ourselves in order to stay connected.
Why Commitment Matters
That’s why I’ve been running men’s groups every week for over a decade, and more recently, an all-gender group that includes explicitly transpersonal elements. All of my groups require a screening to ensure participants are ready to make a real commitment to themselves and to others. Members agree to show up week after week, especially during an introductory period, because making and keeping commitments has become rare. Especially when things feel hard and awkward, and our sense of belonging is called into question. Ending relationships explicitly and intentionally is even more rare. And both are essential parts of relationships.
It’s not uncommon for people to question why they should pay to participate in a group. I’ve had those same questions myself. However, over the years, I’ve come to realize that financial and attendance commitments help sustain investment, accountability, and awareness around our choices to show up or not, and to end relationships with intention. And it ensures the cost of belonging to the group is conscious, consensual, and is not enacted unconsciously through joining in a particular belief system.
Think about how often we cancel plans with a friend or therapist because we “don’t feel like going.” We might not even be fully honest with them or ourselves about our reasons, allowing the truth to remain unconscious. Yet being honest and exploring what’s behind our desire to avoid is often the more authentic way to show up for ourselves.
Some of the most generative moments in relationships and groups occur when someone brings forward they don’t want to be there. Avoidance gives way to awareness.
Beyond Transactional Relationship
Another reason I believe ongoing groups are so powerful is that the relationships they foster are transformative. Too often, people leave relationships because the other person isn’t meeting their needs. Seeing others primarily as sources of need fulfillment is a limited way of relating.
Nearly every day in my practice, someone contemplates leaving a partner or friend for this reason. In a diverse group, we learn to relate differently-to ask for what we need, to notice what happens when we don’t get it, and to continue showing up anyway. We begin to experience a connection that is less transactional and more human.
The Mirror of Relationship
There’s a saying in both Zen and group therapy: “Wherever you go, there you are.” In group language, we might say, “How you show up in group is how you show up everywhere.”
How we show up in relationship to ourselves mirrors how we relate to others. Of course, the expression changes depending on the context and person, but the deeper patterns remain.
We can’t fully understand ourselves in isolation-we need the reflection of others to see who we are. And that reflection can only happen if we keep showing up: for ourselves and for each other, again and again. Whether we want to or not, we need to discuss what is happening in the relationship until we communicate that it is time for the relationship to end. Every step of the relationship journey is illuminating and transformative when it is expressed and not hidden. Our patterns of avoidance are varied and often have very valid justifications
Avoidance is easy. Commitment is harder. But showing up, truly showing up, for yourself and others is where transformation begins.
Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., LPC, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Colorado and New York, guiding individuals, couples, and groups into greater wholeness.
#psychology #grouptherapy #jungianpsychology #relationships #spiritualgrowth #selfdevelopment #authenticity