Relationships Matter: 6 Levels of Healthy Relational Safety and Depth

Relationships matter.  And to riff on the old adage, it’s not who you know; it’s how well you know them that counts.   Nothing happens outside the context of a relationship.  At the very least, we have (or had) parents, we have (or had) siblings or peers, we have coworkers or customers, and we have neighbors (even if we don’t know them).  It is in the context of these relationships that we give and receive things we need and learn about ourselves and our world.  And in our fast-paced technology connected world, it is hard to maintain relational depth.  

Even when I’m working with individuals who are not interested in working on their relationships, we have a relationship with ourselves.  How we talk to and how we feel about ourselves perhaps matters the most!  How well we know ourselves and how we relate to ourselves is the foundation of our ability to enjoy life and engage effectively with the world. 

One of the useful theories or lenses to use in talking about relationships is attachment.  In simple language, attachment is a way to describe how able we are and how safe it is to connect with another human.  Attachment begins at birth and changes throughout life.  If we are well supported and attuned to, it is easy for us to connect with others and easy for us to be alone.  If we hit roadblocks along the way, we can face various challenges in connecting with others.  This is most obviously seen in intimate relationships. However, peer relationships are also effective by our attachment styles.  This can impact everything from finding an intimate partner to having friends and social support, to parenting, to being successful in our career.  So if you have had struggles in any of those areas, read on to see where you might be able to heal and strengthen your relational abilities.

Attachment starts with a solid foundation, or solid roots, if you will.  With healthy, secure attachments, we can still stand tall in the strong winds and storms of life. And we can be at peace when the storms pass.  Without solid, healthy attachments, we get rocked, blown around, and are unable to rest and be at peace when there are no immediate challenges.  With unhealthy attachments, it is easy to turn to unstable comforts to feel better, like alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual behaviors, unhealthy people, screens – media, social media, video games, and more.  With a secure, stable attachment, we can use these things in healthy, appropriate ways and turn to ourselves or appropriate people for healthy connection and comfort.  

Attachment theory describes attachment as being either secure or insecure.  A secure attachment means the person is stable on their own AND can connect deeply with others to receive and give various forms of support or nourishment with appropriate levels of intimacy.  Insecure attachment can manifest as anxiety (anxious attachment style) if someone gets too close or too far, avoidance (avoidant attachment style) of getting close to someone, or a combination of anxious or avoidant (anxious-avoidant attachment style) feelings or behaviors.  

Dr. Gordon Neufeld has gone further to describe six levels of attachment that happen during our key developmental years.  These six drives can also demonstrate themselves in adulthood when we look at the types of relationships we have and how we connect or avoid our adult relationships.  Each of these six levels builds on the one before.  That is, if we are underdeveloped at one level, it is harder to move on and have healthy relationships at the later levels.

The six levels are:

Drive to be with – Attachment to physical proximity.  Being close to an individual. This is the most basic.  Being with someone in their physical presence.  Teenagers often like to hang out even if they are not doing anything in particular.  It is comforting to just be with someone and be able to see, smell, hear, and touch them.  This reassures us of our physical safety.  We need a home base, touchstone, and resting place, which serves as a compass point to navigate the greater world.   When this physical attachment is suitable, we can feel safe in the middle of chaos.  If not, we become armored and cannot be physically close, hug, or touch others.  

Drive to be like – Attachment to the identity/personality of an individual.  Once we feel safe enough in our body, the next level is the desire to be like or the same as someone we like or respect. As part of our identity formation, we emulate, identify with, imitate, and model after them learning behaviors, our core identity, preferences, dislikes, and social norms to fit into society.  We do this with our parents at an early age and friends or partners later on.  This serves to enable us to feel close while apart because we are acting like and remembering them (even if not consciously).  

Drive to be part of – Attachment to belonging and standing with a group.  Once we are secure enough in our individual identity, we want to belong to a bigger group.  Whether that is a nuclear family, extended family, class, school, sports team, peer group, political affiliation, national affiliation, ethnic affiliation, religion, profession, or any group of “like” people.  To feel like there are lots of people like us and on our side helps us feel secure and that we belong to something greater.  It creates a feeling of loyalty and the desire to serve, obey, or even defer to the will of the group.  

Drive to matter – Attachment to being valued by a group.  Once we feel connected to and part of a bigger group of people (or more than one), we need to feel like we are important to and worthy of care, respect, love, or esteem.   This is the drive for greater success and achievement.  Perhaps it is this drive that video games are tapping into for some, but often is incomplete, and people keep playing at excessive levels because it has to be had in personal relationships, not just with a score or standings board on a screen.  We all need unconditional positive regard – that is feeling that people value us no matter what we do or what we are.  When we feel this way, this frees people from a lifelong search for value, always trying to prove their worth which can then opens the person to further levels of intimacy and fullest potential rather than just trying to be important.  Without this value, people endlessly chase value externally through achievement, peer recognition, consumerism, unnecessary degrees, and more.

Drive for love – Attachment to being loved and emotionally intimate in our full authentic self.  Once we know that we belong, we are important, and we matter no matter what we do or how we are, we are available for true intimacy or “attaching at the heart.”  Again each of the previous stages has to have at least some level of health or intimacy can be superficial or motivated by seeking simple physical closeness (like just living together or having disconnected sex), identity, belonging, or value importance.  It is possible to have some intimacy without, but true intimacy with be limited by our needs to feel those prior levels.  This level of attachment requires a secure sense of self, identity, belonging, value, and the ability to be present with limbic attunement to the other. To be open and receptive to another and able to feel (all) emotions, give and share heart enables this level of attachment. The risk of course is that this opens us up to big vulnerability.  With healthy attachment, we can feel safest in long-term relationships (family or committed relationships).  But without healthy attachment, we have the paradoxical effect that the longer the relationship, the more threatening vulnerability becomes.  

Some studies are suggesting early digital intimacy undermines this need for this emotional intimacy.  In a long-term relationship, healthy attachment at all these levels of attachment enables us to weather storms of disagreement and difficulty and stay attuned, committed, and attached to work through problems rather than separating or avoiding.  Knowing we are connected and attached at this level helps people remain caring and open toward someone despite periods of distance and separation due to hardship or travel. It can set the stage for deeper levels of psychological and sexual intimacy that are not possible when there are missing pieces in any of the lower levels.  Knowing we are securely attached in this way we can be shielded from wounding from the world, less reactive to hurts from our partner, and able to keep a soft open heart in face of wounding and stresses of the world.  Without this, we blame, attack, withdraw, close off, and seek to control, change or manipulate to keep ourselves safe.  I think this is essential for full psychological development and maturity, especially with the state of the world today.

Drive for psychological intimacybe fully known to – Attachment to our full authentic whole self.  At this level, we are secure and have no secrets that divide us from ourselves especially, but also with a few select others. We can be fully honest with ourselves about our most hidden shameful thoughts, feelings, desires, or experiences, and we are able to share secrets with appropriate, trustworthy others, and we are not shamed for those secrets.  This is important for children when considering the previous states of attachment needs and the need for connection with a parent. What your parents don’t know about what you did won’t get you in trouble, but those secrets cause a divide and distance, making love and acceptance inaccessible.  Even if parents could love and accept the transgression, the personal feeling that it must be kept secret causes a psychological separation that takes a toll. This level of secure attachment makes known what you normally keep hidden, allowing greater ability to accept yourself and others. This is different than just knowing about (indirect/impersonal) or being exposed to it secondhand or intellectually.  We must be the ones that shares the thing we fear to share.  With an intimate partner, we have to be the one to physically or metaphorically take our clothes off, be seen and witnessed, and have the experience of still being loved despite the secret.  This happens after one has shared from their heart and has the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts and feelings and behaviors.  We all need to be seen fully.  Social media and  capitalizes on this need, but ineffectively because it is impersonal incomplete and does not address the need for physical presence, attunement, mirroring, validation, touch, and seeing the person’s care and acceptance. 

So much more could be said about this as it is an in-depth and complicated topic.  Simply knowing this is only the first step to repairing and living from these six levels of attachment and relational depth. But I wanted to at least sketch this outline as I’ve found it helpful for many of my clients in identifying and understanding relationship challenges.  Being able to have a healthy attachment at these six levels builds strong roots to weather the stresses and storms of life.  And our attachment strengths and weaknesses don’t just show up in our relationships with others, these factors all show up in our relationship with ourselves! 

It’s hard to thrive in the world without a solid foundation, and without deep roots, we get blown over easily.  I also believe that being able to have a solid foundation through these deeply rooted levels of relationship helps us to create togetherness and relationships that can be healthy and solid despite differences, which is essential to resolve the extreme polarization that we’re experiencing in our world manifesting as us-them divisions, increased racism and  nationalism, gender and culture wars, or further separations in our relational and community lives.  When we have solid attachments as described above, we can have a solid sense of self, to become our own person, belonging in the community, aware and nurtured by the ways we are the same, celebrating the ways we are different, and can talk about any and all of it honestly and vulnerably without it devolving into a battle and more separation.  We can be different and still securely attached, connected, and rooted rather than blown away in the storms of our inner world or our outer life. 

For more information:

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach and is a student of depth psychology. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Podcast: My Life is the Medicine

My Life is the Medicine is a new podcast hosted by Chuck Hancock.  Chuck sits down to have conversations with people to look at how life has provided numerous lessons and initiations already that we sometimes overlook. Instead, we get lost seeking new, bigger, or better experiences.  

In the age of abundant experts and gurus, we take the subversive stance that you are actually the only expert you need for your own life. By looking closer at your own life experiences – both the ones that felt good and the array of challenges you had, you can harvest all the wisdom and medicine you need to guide your unique life and offer your unique gifts and wisdom to the world.  We have conversations with ordinary people to look closer at how everyday experiences of living life have shaped us and taught us profound lessons.  Often we don’t think much of our choices and experiences, but in reality, they all have a profound meaning.  Instead of just moving from one thing to the next, we can slow down and pause to integrate the initiations that life has already provided, to become even more whole, balanced, and able to bring the medicine of our life, the medicine we’ve already been given, into the world.  

Found on most major podcast players including Spotify, Apple, and Google.  You can find links to these and other players on the podcast page here: https://mylifeisthemedicine.buzzsprout.com/

Or listen directly below:

Tending the Waters of Psyche and Soul

A Depth Psychology Growth Group Bridging Inner Life and Outer Life Adventures

Some Definitions of Soul

  • an active or essential part
  • the part of the human being that thinks, feels, and makes the body act
  • the quality that arouses emotion and sentiment
  • energy or power of mind or feelings; spirit; fervor
  • the cause of inspiration or energy; leading spirit; prime mover
  • spiritual or moral force 
  • the embodiment of some quality; personification
  • the spirit of a dead person
  • the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
  • a person’s total self

You may or may not believe you have a soul. That is not a prerequisite for this group. If you have a desire to deepen your connection with, relationship to, and grow the health of any of the above descriptions, this group is for you. This group is a space to learn about and work with your psyche, personal psychology developed by your experiences and narrative about those experiences, interpersonal relationships (how you show up with others), and the transpersonal (anything bigger than and beyond yourself).

Join us in community for depth healing utilizing the map and mirrors of depth somatic experiential psychology. This group will bridge the world of our ordinary waking life roles and structures with that of our inner world. This is not a group about fixing you, teaching you skills, or requiring you to be “better” – rather it is a group where all of you, in your brilliance and in your struggle with shadow, is welcome. It is a group that is led by psyche, soul, and spirit informed by your life and experience facilitated by a trained guide (not a teacher).

In this group, you bring the topics – based on what is alive in you.  What is challenging you? What is inspiring you? What is showing up in your world that feels impactful or meaningful? Whether that aliveness is a dream you had, a poem or song that moved you, a meditation practice that taught you, a social media post that triggered you or brightened your day, grief that brought you to your knees, a stuck-ness so tight it paralyzes you or a movement that opened or freed you, this group is a space to bring more life and soul into your world in a community of fellow practitioners.

 

Who is this group for?

In the group process, there are many “problems” or pain points that can lead someone to join.  It could be anxiety in general, or about the state of the world and its political, social, economic, and health issues.  It could be that you are feeling depressed, stuck, stagnant, alone, misunderstood, or constantly sad.  You may have a hard time knowing your place in this ever changing world.  This group starts with the philosophy that we are all human, and we are all in this together.  And through working through our individual “problems” together, we help each other. And perhaps even see that they are not problems, but invitations to grow. This group is for people willing to engage in their own healing by giving and receiving support, and opening to wisdom and support of a variety of modalities that connect you with your heart, mind, body, and soul.

We aim toward self leadership and self actualization.  How do we do that?

We are all struggling to know and become the fullest version of our “real,” true, unique selves. We create a space to learn more about ourselves and experience new aspects of ourselves through content, process, and interpersonal relationships with other group members.

We recognize we have the tendency to deny our own needs and feelings. To pretend to be someone we aren’t or to avoid facing our true self inhibits growth. In this group, we take responsibility for owning our needs and feelings and expressing unexpressed thoughts, so the facilitator and other group members co-create the space to meet those new places in yourself and possibly have your needs and feelings met in an embodied way.

We believe each individual is endowed with the urge to expand, develop, mature, and reach self-actualization. We believe that true growth and healing come from within, and this group is designed to help facilitate that process. 

Even in the best of times, it is easy to fall into despair – by not living the life that is yours to live or by feeling disconnected from the greater story of life and your place in the order of things. In these times of chaos and uncertainty, this group will help you reconnect to the life that is yours to live and reconnect you with the bigger picture and meaning to provide fuel and inspiration for the challenges we face.

Logistics

Ongoing. Weekly. Thursdays 11:30-1:00. In person with a zoom in option for health or travel.

Open to all genders age 25+.

8-week minimum commitment to allow for relationships and group containers to form.  Stay as long as the group is beneficial to you.

Financial Investment $30-$60 per group sliding scale.

About the facilitator: Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is passionate about group work being an important part of our growth and healing journey.  With over a decade of experience guiding individual and group processes in council, dreamwork, interpersonal process groups, psychodrama, meditation, Hakomi somatic psychotherapy, ego state (parts) work, Jungian psychology, movement, music, and nature based practices. He weaves all of these practices together to help clients locate themselves in the world co-creating new experiences of authenticity, depth, meaning, insight, and inspiration.  With the diversity of members, modalities, and lineages the community formed in a group experience offers more possibility and amplification of the growth process.  

 

 

To register for more information to decide if this group is right for you, email [email protected] or call 970.829.0478.

 

 

 

 

 

“The guest is inside you, and also inside me;

you know the sprout is hidden inside the seed.

We are all struggling; none of us has gone far.

Let your arrogance go, and look around inside.

The blue sky opens out farther and farther,

the daily sense of failure goes away,

the damage I have done to myself fades,

a million suns come forward with light,

when I sit firmly in that world.

I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken,

inside “love” there is more joy than we know of,

rain pours down, although the sky is clear of clouds,

there are whole rivers of light.

The universe is shot through in all parts by a single sort of love.

How hard it is to feel that joy in all our four bodies!

Those who hope to be reasonable about it fail.

The arrogance of reason has separated us from that love.

With the word “reason” you already feel miles away.”

~Kabir

New Trauma Therapy Group Forming

 

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.  ~Brene Brown

All of you is welcome here.  Living with traumatic experiences often makes us feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves because of our own shame or because we don’t believe the world will understand or support us.  Many who have experienced trauma live with depression, isolation, anxiety, addictions, or other issues. Engaging in group therapy may sound scary, but it has been my experience that healing occurs most profoundly when we can experience human connection while being with the events and parts of us with which we felt the most alone and unsafe.  You don’t have to handle difficult things on your own.

Utilizing the latest research in treating trauma, this group draws upon the work somatic psychotherapy, experiential psychotherapy, attachment, mindfulness practices, interpersonal relationship, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), DBT self regulation and distress tolerance skills, EMDR, ecotherapy, and Internal Family Systems.

Format

This weekly group is open to all genders and will provide a safe, supportive space that teaches mindfulness, 

grounding, and resourcing skills and developing strength and resilience as a foundation.  Moving beyond skills, participants will discuss and support each other in managing current life triggers. As safety and trust deepen and when the time is right, there will be opportunities for each member to be able to process and do therapeutic work around their trauma in a group format. Harnessing the power of a safe supportive group container, people can feel even more held and safe to process events and receive support from a community of understanding people.  

Consent is key, and sometimes healing in and of itself.  Learning how to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no is a part of every group.  You will be empowered to participate or not participate to whatever level you are ready and wanting.  

The group meets weekly and is ongoing every Thursday evening.  In order to establish safety, rapport, and trust in the group, each person is asked to make at least an 8 week commitment to the group.  Many will stay on beyond the minimum to continue building trust, healthy healing relationships, and being able to work through challenges slowly and safely.  The group will have at least 4 and at most 8 members.

To enroll
Contact Chuck ([email protected] or 970.829.0478) to setup a free 30 minute group screening and consultation.  If it seems like a good fit, you will be able to start as soon as the group feels it is ready for a new member.  It is highly recommended that you have an individual therapist as well, but exceptions may be made depending on your situation.

Cost

$50 per group.  Some insurance accepted.  Call your insurance company and ask about coverage for group therapy.  

Still not sure?

Articles for further reading on trauma specific therapy groups

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-things-i-learned-in-trauma-group-therapy/

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-group-therapy-for-ptsd-2797656

 

Download the Trauma Therapy Group Flyer  to print or email to someone who may need this group.

Spread Your Shame and Pain – Intentionally

How Leave No Trace (LNT) Camping Ethics Apply to Your Shame and Pain

Yes, you read that right!  Scatter your shame and pain, intentionally!  What have you been doing with your shame and pain?  If you are like most people, you hide it, deny it, or perhaps unload it on one best friend or your romantic partner.  But the problem with that is it comes out sideways, when you least expect it.  Or it stagnates and rots inside you.  Or you overburden your best friend or partner expecting too much.  So what do you do about it?

In LNT principles, you minimize your impact on our environment by scattering cool ashes and scattering your strained dishwater.  Why?  You pack out trash, but you don’t want to carry dead organic material from the past with you.  That is best left to return to the earth to be broken down and fertilize the next generations of life  And leaving a pile of waste is an eyesore, attracts animals, and over-taxes one spot.  Especially if you leave food scraps in a pile, it will decompose and stink.  

Pain and shame is a natural organic human experience.  Just like the lifecycle represented with food and ashes.  Our emotional “yucky stuff” needs to be handled just like physical “yucky stuff.” It can’t be ignored, don’t let it accumulate, don’t leave it for others to deal with. Give it a proper treatment by straining out the big bits, and dispersing the small pieces where they don’t cause harm and in some cases can even nourish other forms of life.

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown advises that we handle these feelings just like we strain our dishwater or separate ashes from incompletely burned charred firewood.  First separate what you do from who you are.  You may have done something you regret, but it doesn’t mean you are bad.  Guilt is feeling bad about what you did, which can be a healthy emotion that causes a change in behavior.  Shame is saying who you are is bad.  This is destructive and causes future harm, to yourself obviously, but to others in your life as well. Shamed people shame people.  Don’t allow your shame to fester, rot, or accumulate or it will impact others by you shaming or judging them.  

After we strain our dishwater or cool our ashes, we spread them so we don’t concentrate them in one spot.  The next step of dealing with shame or pain is the same.  Find lots of people who can share a little bit of your story.  Shame lives in secrecy.  The best way to free yourself of shame or pain is to shed light on it rather than hide it.  Unloading everything on one person can be too much.  But by having good friends, a partner, family, a support group, a therapist and/or therapy group, etc you can share appropriate parts with trustworthy people, eventually freeing yourself of the burden, while not overtaxing one person.  

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too. – Brene Brown, TED Talk (linked above)

Doing what I do, I am exposed to the pain, shame, and trauma of lots of people.  And of course I’m human too and create plenty of my own!  I’m trained to work with these hazardous feelings and am better equipped than your average friend, but even I can’t hold that myself. And you too may have experienced more than your fair share of “yucky stuff,” so this tip can apply to you too. Over the years of doing therapy, I’ve assembled my own pain dispersal system.  I have my own therapist, a men’s group, mentor(s), a peer consultation group, and several good male and female friends, a great relationship with my romantic partner, and spiritual practices and rituals that I can share and disperse my own pain and “yucky stuff” with.   Due to confidentiality, I obviously can’t and don’t talk about other people’s details, but I certainly can talk about my own pain and how I am impacted by what I experience in my life.  Often that is a better way to connect anyhow.  People don’t always need to know the details, and often can’t even relate to your specific experience, but everyone can connect and empathize with the feelings you have.  Get to the point, get real, and connect on your shared emotional human experience.  And assemble a your own personal tribe of people so each person can handle a little bit, and nobody gets overburdened, especially the people closest to you.

When you don’t own your story, your story owns you.  When you own your story, you are free to edit and re-author it any way you choose.  When you don’t own your story, it controls your feelings and behaviors, often perpetuating the shame and pain. When you own your guilt, shame, or pain and spread it intentionally, it doesn’t harm you or anyone else.  In fact, sometimes it can be a gift to teach others from your experience.  But when you hold it, deny it, or repress it, it rots and overburdens you.  It gets worse and will get spread unconsciously and possibly cause more harm to you and others in your life.  With great circle of trustworthy people you can be real and vulnerable with, you can unburden yourself, without burdening others to free yourself up to write the next chapter of your life with more joy and ease.  Spread it! Carefully and intentionally.

 

Bonus Videos on the Topic:

Here’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) expert Jon Kabat Zin speaking about this topic and to use mindfulness with these feelings.

And for a lighter more humorous look, here’s comedian Kyle Cease.

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

You Should Get Outside More (says science)

Summary of research and a few exercises you can useCanyon in NM

I don’t use the word should very often.  It’s a dirty word. And who am I to tell anyone they should do anything? But I will right now: you should get outside more!  And it’s not just me saying this, it’s science!

I’ve long been a lover of the outdoors participating in numerous sports and other outdoor activities over the course of my life. However it was about 10 years ago when I was on a 4 day backpacking trip with a self admitted stress-loving over-working friend of mine that I first caught a glimpse of the true power of the wilderness beyond being just a venue for recreation. It was on this trip that I solidified my decision to go back to grad school to become a counselor because I wanted to help people get to the place of openness, self-exploration, relaxation, and motivation that I saw in my friend that day.  I’ve learned a lot of skills and tools over the years, but none have been as good as nature to get the effects I saw that trip.

One of my biggest fears is being judged, so I’ve only dipped my toe in the outdoor therapy world until this point. The last thing I want to be judged as is a long haired tree hugging hippy who takes people into the woods to reconnect with nature with drum circles to find their lost soul (Not that there is anything wrong with any of that – I’ve done them all and they are great! You may consider trying those things too 😉 ).  But I know that scene is repulsive to some people so I’ve purposely stayed away from it professionally, because I know that sometimes people who are afraid to drop their guard enough to try something that far out of their comfort zone can be the people that need the power of the outdoors most.

So lately, I’ve been excited to find that more research is being done to understand what effects being outside does have on our minds and bodies. In this recent National Geographic article, the author does a great job summarizing the results of international research from the past few years. I still recommend reading it, but here are some of the main research points if you don’t have time.

Scroll down to the bold print to skip the research and get right to the exercise.

Being outside helps your brain take a break from it’s constant use. This can reduce stress, increase creativity, Snowy Trailand produce a difference in qualitative thinking. We think it lets the pre-frontal cortex unplug for a bit (the part of our brain in charge of cognitive function, rational thought, planning, personality, social expression,
inhibitions, decision making, executive functioning, and more.)  The most pronounced changes happens after being outside for 3 days.

But even a 15-minute walk in the woods causes measurable changes in physiology. Japanese researchers at Chiba University sent 84 subjects to stroll in seven different forests, while the same number of volunteers walked around city centers. The forest walkers hit a relaxation jackpot: Overall they showed a 16 percent decrease in the stress hormone cortisol, a 2 percent drop in blood pressure, and a 4 percent drop in heart rate. Researcher Miyazaki believes our bodies relax in pleasant, natural surroundings because they evolved there. Our senses are adapted to interpret information about plants and streams, he says, not traffic and high-rises.

The South Koreans have been doing research on the impact of work stress, long hours, digital addiction, and academic pressures. They are now devoting some forests as healing centers and prescribing time in nature to help combat these maladies. They have research that shows forest healing reduces medical costs

Several unrelated studies in England, Denmark, Canada, and Scotland all showed lower mortality, fewer stress hormones, less mental distress and lower incidence of 15 diseases including depression, anxiety, heart disease, diabetes, asthma, and migraines even when adjusted for confounding variables. That is levels of income, education, employment, and exercise did not effect the data. Just living near green space made aHorsetooth Reservoir in Fort Collins difference. If anything, lower income people seemed to benefit the most.

“In Finland, a country that struggles with high rates of depression, alcoholism, and suicide, government-funded researchers asked thousands of people to rate their moods and stress levels after visiting both natural and urban areas. Based on that study and others, Professor Liisa Tyrväinen and her team at the Natural Resources Institute Finland recommend a minimum nature dose of five hours a month—several short visits a week—to ward off the blues. “A 40- to 50-minute walk seems to be enough for physiological changes and mood changes and probably for attention,” says Kalevi Korpela, a professor of psychology at the University of Tampere. He has helped design a half dozen “power trails” that encourage walking, mindfulness, and reflection. Signs on them say things like, “Squat down and touch a plant.””

“Korean researchers used functional MRI to watch brain activity in people viewing different images. When the volunteers were looking at urban scenes, their brains showed more blood flow in the amygdala, which processes fear and anxiety. In contrast, the natural scenes lit up the anterior cingulate and the insula—areas associated with empathy and altruism. It may also make us nicer to ourselves. Stanford researcher Greg Bratman and his colleagues scanned the brains of 38 volunteers before and after they walked for 90 minutes, either in a large park or on a busy street in downtown Palo Alto. The nature walkers, but not the city walkers, showed decreased activity in the subgenual prefrontal cortex—a part of the brain tied to depressive rumination—and from their own reports, the nature walkers beat themselves up less.”

And the nature you visit doesn’t have to be in a wilderness area and it doesn’t just affect mood. Another study showed a 50-minute walk in an arboretum improved executive attention skills, such as short-term memory, while walking along a city street did not. “Imagine a therapy that had no known side effects, was readily available, and could improve your cognitive functioning at zero cost,” the researchers wrote in their paper. It exists, they continued, and it’s called “interacting with nature.”

San Luis Valley

To summarize, there is research that suggests viewing and/or being in nature can reduce stress, reduce disease (including depression, anxiety, heart disease, diabetes, asthma, and migraines), decrease blood pressure and heart rate, improve attention, improve mood, increase empathy and altruism, increase creativity, decrease depressive rumination, and while I haven’t seen research that supports this, my experience is that most people tend to enjoy themselves and have a good time. Not bad for something that is free.

So like I said earlier, you really should get outside more. Just getting outside can help. Do it regularly, do it often, and at least once in a while, go for longer periods of time. If you want to make your time outside even more restorative and connecting, here’s a few tips and tools I’ve learned from personal observation that can enhance your experience.

  1. Disconnect from time. If you have a time limit, set a timer or alarm for 1/2 the amount of time you are willing to give to this experience. When this sounds, you will need to turn around and make your way back. Until then, don’t worry about time, your timer will tell you when you need to head back. Let yourself be fully present to the natural environment.
  2. Mark your transition from your urban/suburban/societal/structured/scheduled life into the natural world. When you leave the parking lot, sidewalk, building, etc and enter into natural space, make a mental note that you are shifting from one way of being into another. At this point, be sure your phone is on silent, your to-do list is put away, your calendar holds your obligations, and anything that is taking mental space is put on hold for the duration of your journey.If necessary, physically stop and mentally put down stresses, issues, people, thoughts, feelings, responsibilities, or anything currently bothering you that could get in the way of you being present with the natural world. Imagine a container to hold them and/or put them near a rock, tree, or entrance and leave them there. You can pick them up again on your way out (if you want).
  3. If there is something you are pondering or something is really bothering you and you would be open to letting your creative subconscious mind work on it for you, set an intention or ask a question as you enter this space. Then drop it. Notice what you notice (see below) while you are in the natural environment, and maybe there will be some insight into your situation. Or maybe not, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
  4. Come back to your senses!  Just notice what you notice. When in natural space, let your Mountain Streamanalytical mind take a break and instead focus on your senses. What do you sense outside of you with your sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch? What do you notice in your body as you move? What do you notice in your emotional and
    energetic state? What thoughts pop into your mind automatically? Just notice what you notice, then notice something else. Over and over again while you are there.
  5. Let your curiosity awaken. What do your eyes get drawn to? What sounds do you hear? What made them?  Don’t worry about right and wrong or really knowing the answer. Just be curious. Which direction will you head? Let your curiosity and intuition be your guide. When you find something interesting, stop and study it with all your senses.  What will you discover?  I’m getting excited for you!
  6. When it is time to leave, before you leave the space pause for a minute or two and reflect on all that you noticed. Offer thanks to yourself for letting yourself have the time and thanks to the space and any creatures, insights, or special moments that presented themselves.
  7. Bring the experience back into your ordinary life. Write about your experience and/or tell somebody that will just listen. Let these questions guide you: What happened here? (Recount as much as you can) What did you learn from it? What are the bigger picture deeper lessons? How can it inform my life? How did this time outside help me?Sun Shining Through the Trees

So there you go. Get outside. Deepen in your relationship with yourself and with the natural world. Do this with a friend or family member and deepen in your relationship with them. If you have questions or would like to share your experience with this exercise, I’d love to hear from you. Email me at [email protected].  Hope to see you outside!

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

 

 

 

Is your analytic brain still not convinced? Here are links to more articles and research.

Nature and Mental Health, Cognitive Function, Attention: https://depts.washington.edu/hhwb/Thm_Mental.html

Exploring the Mental Health Benefits of Natural Environments
http://journal.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01178/full

Stanford researchers find mental health prescription: Nature.
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2015/june/hiking-mental-health-063015.html

2 Minute Walk May Reverse Harms of Sitting
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/13/a-2-minute-walk-may-counter-the-harms-of-sitting/

Benefits Of Ecotherapy: Being In Nature Fights Depression, Improves Mental Health And Well-Being
http://www.medicaldaily.com/benefits-ecotherapy-being-nature-fights-depression-improves-mental-health-and-well-being-261075

Nature experience reduces rumination and subgenual prefrontal cortex activation
http://www.pnas.org/content/112/28/8567.abstract

Creativity in the Wild: Improving Creative Reasoning through Immersion in Natural Settings
http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0051474

 

Offline Sources

Hartig, T., Mang, M., and Evans, G. (1991). Restorative effects of natural environment experiences. Environment and behavior , 23 (1), 3-26.

Kaplan, R. and Kaplan, S. (1989). The Experience of nature . Cambridge Press.

Kaplan. S. and Talbot, J. (1983). Psychological benefits of a wilderness experience. In Altman, I. and Wohlwill, (Eds.), Behavior and the natural environment . New York: Plenum Press.

Turner, V. (1969). The ritual process . Chicago: Aldine.

Ulrich, R. S. et al. (1991). Stress recovery during exposure to natural and urban environments. Journal of environmental psychology , 11 (3), 201-230.

 

 

Do you know of a good study not cited here? Please send it my way.  I’m collecting good empirical support to make time in nature an “Evidence Based Practice.”

 

 

Expanding Beyond “Mindfulness”

As I was hiking this morning, I was watching myself, being aware of what I was doing, thinking, feeling, and sensing and a thought occurred, that mindfulness is about so much more than our mind.  As a former software engineer, I was living in a world of thought and cognition, which of course is helpful for many things, but not everything life gives us.  There is so much more to the mind than just thought, and if our definition of mindfulness is Sun shining through the treesonly on thoughts or the absence of thought, there’s so much more we are missing.

Don’t hear me wrong, being more aware of our thoughts, evaluating them as fact/opinion, true/false, helpful/not helpful and working to actively change thought is an essential first step.    It is the foundational basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which has been the primary treatment for a couple decades now, but of course there is more.

First let’s be clear that our “mind” is different than our brain (the lump of cells in our skull).  And even our brain is not just thought.  As anyone who has seen the movie Inside Out will know, there are memories, emotions, core beliefs, and more that shape our personality and all are contained in our brain.  (As a side note, if you have not seen this movie yet, go see it!) Our “mind” is much broader and includes all of the components of the brain mentioned above, the remainder of our nervous system, body, and more.  Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine defines the mind as “an embodied and relational process that regulates energy and information flow.”

His definition is dense and can be broken down into much detail, but for now I just want to elaborate on a couple of points.  The mind regulates information flow – taking in information from our environment, information occurring within us, and information that may or may not leave us through expression.  The mind regulates energy input and output, such as the clamping down and low energy state known as depression.  The mind is embodied, that it is includes our central nervous system and peripheral nervous system that runs throughout our body and feels and expresses through the body.  And the mind is relational – our mind is influenced, shaped, impacted, and includes our relationships of the past and present.

So when we talk about mindfulness, we have to keep in mind that our mind is not just our brain, which is not just our thoughts.  It’s helpful to start with tools that help us learn awareness and focus, but then we also need to keep in mind that when we talk about mindfulness, we also need to consider and work with body-fulness, emotion-fulness, sense-fulness, thought-fulness, memory-fulness, self-fulness, other-fulness, relation-fulness, heart-fulness, personality-fulness, habitual behavioral pattern-fulness, and all the other components of being human.

You can try some exercises and see a diagram of this on my Mindful Practice page.

To explore all these areas, it takes awareness, skill, willingness, patience, and it is quite helpful to have a guide.  After all, how do you explore the relational aspects of mind by yourself?  Further, most of us tend to stay in our habitual comfort zone, and having someone to help point out the things we are not seeing on our own is an important part of the process of growth and healing.  Exploring all of this is what Dan Siegel calls “Mindsight,” and I call it your Inner (and outer) Life Adventure.

Happy exploring!

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

New Therapy Group for Teens

 

 

 

Join us for a new first of its kind hybrid group therapy and wilderness therapy group for teenagers locally on the Front Range based out of Fort Collins, CO.  This outdoor group was created to offer the best of coaching, therapy, and wilderness adventures to adolescents without the cost and time commitment of traditional backcountry programs.

This group is open to all teens of all genders regardless of “issue” who are simply looking for personal growth by getting outside and joining in a community of peers, connecting with themselves, others, and nature. Through exploring themselves, overcoming challenges, developing new skills,  and being guided by expert facilitators our participants learn to bring the best of the lessons and experiences of the outside…. in.

For more details, click here and or contact Chuck directly at [email protected] or 970.556.4095.

Download a pdf version of the flyer to print, email, and share with someone who could benefit.

Outside--in flyer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s OK to be Angry

Most of us have a conflicted and misinformed relationship with anger.  On one hand, some people think it anger is bad and do everything

Angry Face

Photo By: Lara Schneider

possible to stay well away from it to never risk feeling that way and when it does slip out, they feel guilty for being angry.  Or for other people it is the go-to emotion.  Anger is the only reaction that is possible and it gets overused with the wrong people at the wrong times.  Obviously, as with most extremes, neither reaction to anger is healthy.

Anger is a natural and helpful emotion that says, “something is happening I am really not okay with” or “something is not happening that I really need.”  Anger is our system’s response that says this is so important, I’m going to do whatever it takes including getting bigger, louder, faster, stronger, and more powerful to make it happen.  Obviously, without this reaction, we can get taken advantage of, resulting in even more hurt.   So it is important to never cut ourselves off from our anger.  But it is also helpful to learn how to be angry in a helpful and productive way to avoid doing damage to those we care about.

Here are a few tips for having productive anger:

1) Slow down.  When we get angry, our nervous system is aroused.  Its the “fight” part of the “fight or flight” response.  But we can and need to consciously control this.  Name for yourself (and others) that you notice yourself getting activated.  Take slow deep breaths.  Take a time out.  Go for a walk or run outside.  Avoid acting from our anger.

2) Identify what is happening that is really not OK or what you really need that is not happening in the situation.  See if there is another emotion under the anger. Write down these needs and/or feelings for yourself or share it with a trusted friend.  Eventually, in a calm state, you will want to share this with the source of your anger.

3) Take responsibility.  Do not blame the other person.  Acknowledge the specific actions that led to your anger and own your reactions and emotions.

4) Make a request for things to be different.  Now knowing what you need, you can now find a way to creatively, rationally, and collaboratively get closer to what you are hoping will happen.

Practicing these things help bring us in closer relationship with ourselves and others.  Always acting from anger or avoiding it ultimately cuts us off and distances us from ourselves and others leading to resentment or hurt feelings.  Of course, it’s not easy, but it’s a worthwhile practice.  Good luck!  Let me know how it goes.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Want more?  Check out The Right Way to Get Angry by the Greater Good Science Center at University of California Berkeley.  With bonus video on how to stay calm during a fight in your relationships.

 

8 Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Therapy

With so many “healers,” coaches, counselors, psychotherapists, and psychologists out there practicing thousands of methods, there are many misconceptions about what therapy is and isn’t.  I can’t dispel all the myths, but here are a few things I’d like you to know.

alone in the woods1. People who go to therapy are not crazy.  You are not crazy.  

We all have challenges and unique ways of approaching them. Most people feel like they are unique and nobody has ever had the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that they have. Guess what? We are all human. There is nothing inherently bad, embarrassing, or shameful about anything you are thinking or experiencing. Most of us only feel this way because we don’t take the risk to be vulnerable and share the details of our inner worlds with others. You can be assured, no matter what you are facing, it may be challenging, you may be coping in ineffective ways, but you are not crazy.

2. Relationship is everything.

There are literally thousands of theories and techniques for doing therapy. You know what the one thing is that research shows will be a predictor of a successful outcome? Relationship. The level of trust and safety you feel with your therapist is the best predictor of success. If you don’t feel able to explore the deeper levels of truth first with yourself and also with your therapist, it will be really hard to make lasting changes. Trust and relationship take time to build, really. It can’t be rushed. It is the most important thing we will do. Nobody exists outside of some sort of relationship, and most of us have limited or no access to a truly supportive, deeply caring, and profoundly accepting relationship like can be developed here.

3. I’m not here to give you advice.

You will probably want it at some point, but I am not the expert in you or your life. You are. My job is to help you gain more trust and confidence in your own ability to lead your own life. I will gladly offer talkingreflections of what you are saying, what it seems like you are saying that you are not aware of, and questions to help you get more clear, but your life is yours to live.

4. My job is not to psychoanalyze you.

See above. A good therapist will not claim to have all the answers. I certainly don’t. We are humans just like you. You are the expert in you. My job is to help you peel back the layers to become even more intimate with yourself, so that you know and feel that you are indeed the only one who can be the expert in you. And you are the only one that can make the changes in your life. My job is to be curious as we explore the unknown together, and maybe I can guide a little and empower you to continue with your own self-leadership.

5. All emotions are welcome. Especially anger.

Most of us have a challenged relationship with our emotions. Either we don’t feel or acknowledge them at all or we are totally ruled by them. Neither is helpful. Emotions serve a purpose: they repel us from things that aren’t good for us and bring us closer to things that are. Ignoring the wisdom of your emotions results in poor decision making and disconnection from yourself. And yet if your emotions are controlling you, you probably could use some balance by engaging your thoughts and rational mind more. The point is, therapy provides a safe and welcoming space where all your emotions are welcome, valid, and supported, even the ones that get a bad reputation such as anger. Emotions are an important part of being human.

6. You will probably backslide to old behavior patterns and I won’t judge you.

Most of us have been engaged in habitual thinking and automatic behaviors for a long time. There is a saying in neuroscience that says, “neurons that fire together wire together.” The longer you have a habitual way of thinking or behaving, the more that pattern gets imprinted in our brain. Our old patterns are kind of like the most popular hiking trails near town – they are well-trodden and easy to find. But when you try to make changes to your thinking and behaving, it is like starting a new trail by simply veering off the main trail. It takes many times walking the new path to wear it in, and even then it is still faint. It is much easier, safer, and more comfortable to stay on the familiar trail. It takes much more effort and intention to forge a new trail, but with time, it will also be easy for you to find and then you will have a choice of which path to take. Relapse is part of the change process, it is not failure. This is another reason it helps to have a guide who knows the terrain.

7. You deserve to be happy and only you are in control of that. I want to support you in having the life you want.

This is a complicated topic, but I want you to know that you only have one life and you deserve to enjoy it. Even if the changes you want to make seem huge and there are a lot of factors that seem in your way – relationships, finances, family, job, education, and more, there are ways to be happy in any circumstance, and there are ways to move toward something better for you. It’s worth it.

8. Therapy is weird. And special. And priceless. And takes courage.

Before people come to therapy, they usually try almost everything they can think of to do it on their own. Some approaches are helpful, others are not. People come to therapy for all kinds of different reasons. Therapy can help with many mental, emotional, and relational challenges – and even some physical (somatic) symptoms. But it can be hard to meet with someone who is a total stranger at first and talk about the most vulnerable and personal things that we sometimes don’t even want to share with our closest friends or family. And that is part of what makes it special and priceless. For most of us, we can’t find any other relationship like this where it is safe to talk about anything, and have it met with 100% acceptance, no judgment, and even some gentle support on how to do things differently.

Our automatic habitual thoughts and behaviors are mostly unconscious. Without outside input, it is likely we will stay stuck doing and thinking the same thing. When you are ready for a trained guide to take you out of the familiar and into a new life, we’ll be here. See you then.

~chuck

Edit: Right after publishing this, I came across this post written from a therapy client.  Great insights from an experienced client’s perspective.

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let’s continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email [email protected].  Want to meet?  Here’s how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

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