Two Immediate Openings in Long Established Men’s Group

Don’t miss this rare opportunity to be a part of this long established men’s group.  This group has intelligent, committed men, some of whom have been working together for years.  For more information, see the flyer below and contact Chuck today to schedule a free group screening appointment to see if you would be a good fit for this group to be able to grow with other men.

Download and share this flyer with a man you know could benefit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men’s Process Group Flyer 2017 (pdf version)

 

 

 

Building Blocks of TRUST

With these elements, trust can be built, and it can be destroyed.

While it is common to make trust black and white and say things like, “I trust you” or “I don’t trust you,” trust is anything but black and white.  It is actually more of a spiral, you can trust someone with one piece of information, but not another.  Then trust deepens, and that thing that wasn’t safe to say or do before becomes safe, while there are still other things that are unsafe with the current level of trust.

Charles Feltman defines trust as this:  “Choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” And his definition of distrust follows with, “What I have chosen to share with you that is important to me is not safe with you.”  Wow.  That is clear.  That “something” could be anything.  Your feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, wants, needs, body, favorite objects, or anything important to you.  So, how we trust, really?

 To learn how to trust, Dr. Brene Brown dug into her own research and research by a well-known relationship expert John Gottman. Gottman says: trust is built in small moments over time.  Stopping what you are doing to attend to someone in need or pick up the phone to check in when you are thinking about someone and asking about specific things you know are important to them builds trust and connection.  Failure to choose connection and support when the opportunity is there is a betrayal of trust and relationship, such as when your obviously upset partner walks in the door with a big sigh and you ignore them choosing a screen instead.  

An example I use often with clients is a jar of marbles.  We automatically give more or less marbles to other people when we first meet, based on how they look, talk, common people they know, credentials, and our own degree of trustworthiness.  Each marble represents a building block of trust, either given freely or earned by demonstrated trust. Breaches of trust can be small, like not returning a phone call or text, or they can be large like a damaging lie, slander,  or an affair.  The marbles can be dumped out slowly or quickly, but they have to be put back in one at a time.

Another surprising finding by Dr. Brown is that asking people for help when needed helps prove trustworthiness.  It shows we won’t take on more than we can handle and we will ask for help when we do.  When we don’t do this, people won’t come to us because they don’t believe we can handle what they want to ask or share. This one was huge for me and speaks so much about honoring ourselves and our limits and boundaries.

Diving deeper into trust, we see when we trust, we are BRAVING connection.  With ourselves and with others.  Brene Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING to describe in more detail the components of trust.

B – Boundaries – When I know your boundaries, and you hold them, and you know my boundaries and respect them, there can be trust.  Without clear boundaries and respect of boundaries, there is distrust.  Boundaries create safety; safety creates trust.  Its why we build fences and walls.  So much more can be said about this, I’ll save it for a future post.

R – Reliability – There can only be trust if you do what you say you are going to do and I do what I say I’m going to do consistently over time, not just once.  How many times do we not do what we say we will do.  “It was really great seeing you.  Let’s get together again soon for lunch.”  And it never happens?  I know it’s just a saying and everyone says it, but trust is broken.  Let’s just share the awkwardness of knowing it may be a while before we meet again.  Being reliable creates trust.

A – Accountability – You are allowed to make mistakes.  I can only trust you if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it and make amends and you can only trust me if I am allowed to make a mistake, be honest about it, and make amends.  Being accountable creates trust.

V – Vault – What I share with you, you will hold in confidence.  What you share with me I will hold in confidence.  When we gossip about someone sharing something that is not ours to share, we think we are connecting over juicy information, but we are proving ourselves untrustworthy.  Keeping confidence creates trust.

I – Integrity – I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.  What is integrity? Doing what is right, even when nobody else is looking.  Brene’s definition is far more challenging and eloquent. “Choosing courage over comfort.  Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy.  Practicing your values, not just professing your values.”  Let’s meet each other in integrity.   Being in integrity creates trust.

N – Non-Judgement – I can fall apart, ask for help, struggle, suffer, and make mistakes without being judged by you and you will find the same with me.  Without this, we can’t be safe to ask for help and we can’t truly reciprocate it.  When we assign a value to reaching out or needing help by thinking less of the other person or judging them in any way for what they are doing or feeling it destroys trust.  Or even more importantly when we think less of ourselves for reaching out or needing help, we are consciously or unconsciously thinking less of the other person for their needing help.  You can’t have true trust if you are judging the other person, or ourselves in big or small ways.  Acceptance creates trust.

G – Generosity.  Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about me and my intentions and then check in about it if it doesn’t feel right.  I will do the same for you to help us both stay in integrity.   There is a lack of trust when we assume poor intentions and don’t check it out with the other person.  Assuming positive intentions and having unconditional positive regard creates trust.

Building trust, strengthening the weak spots, and sharing about breakdowns in trust facilitates connection.  Trust makes connection easy.

And these same principles apply to trusting and connecting with ourselves as well as trusting and connecting with someone else.  Looking at ourselves: How well do we know our own boundaries and honor them?  How often do we do what we tell ourselves we are going to do?  How good are we at admitting and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings?  How good are we at choosing who to share with and how much is in our best interest to share?  Are we in integrity with ourselves and our value?  Can we refrain from judging and being critical of our thoughts and actions?  Do we assume that we are doing our best and had positive intentions?  By these measures, do we really trust ourselves?  

When we become aware we are not trusting ourselves or are in connection with ourselves, reflecting on these definitions can give us benchmarks.  This map shows us where our obstacles are to deeper relationship,  trust, and connection  are happening so we can name it, repair it, and ask for what we need from ourselves and from others.  It’s important to build trust first within yourself.  

When you trust yourself and are in integrity with yourself, or own it and make amends quickly when you are not, it is easier to be a trustworthy person, which makes it easier to assume the good intent of others, to respect your own and other people’s boundaries, and have honest check in’s with others, and build safe, trusting relationships.  

You can use BRAVING as a benchmark to identify breaches of trust in yourself, in your relationships.  And then it’s easier to correct course and repair trust faster.  

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Spread Your Shame and Pain – Intentionally

How Leave No Trace (LNT) Camping Ethics Apply to Your Shame and Pain

Yes, you read that right!  Scatter your shame and pain, intentionally!  What have you been doing with your shame and pain?  If you are like most people, you hide it, deny it, or perhaps unload it on one best friend or your romantic partner.  But the problem with that is it comes out sideways, when you least expect it.  Or it stagnates and rots inside you.  Or you overburden your best friend or partner expecting too much.  So what do you do about it?

In LNT principles, you minimize your impact on our environment by scattering cool ashes and scattering your strained dishwater.  Why?  You pack out trash, but you don’t want to carry dead organic material from the past with you.  That is best left to return to the earth to be broken down and fertilize the next generations of life  And leaving a pile of waste is an eyesore, attracts animals, and over-taxes one spot.  Especially if you leave food scraps in a pile, it will decompose and stink.  

Pain and shame is a natural organic human experience.  Just like the lifecycle represented with food and ashes.  Our emotional “yucky stuff” needs to be handled just like physical “yucky stuff.” It can’t be ignored, don’t let it accumulate, don’t leave it for others to deal with. Give it a proper treatment by straining out the big bits, and dispersing the small pieces where they don’t cause harm and in some cases can even nourish other forms of life.

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brene Brown advises that we handle these feelings just like we strain our dishwater or separate ashes from incompletely burned charred firewood.  First separate what you do from who you are.  You may have done something you regret, but it doesn’t mean you are bad.  Guilt is feeling bad about what you did, which can be a healthy emotion that causes a change in behavior.  Shame is saying who you are is bad.  This is destructive and causes future harm, to yourself obviously, but to others in your life as well. Shamed people shame people.  Don’t allow your shame to fester, rot, or accumulate or it will impact others by you shaming or judging them.  

After we strain our dishwater or cool our ashes, we spread them so we don’t concentrate them in one spot.  The next step of dealing with shame or pain is the same.  Find lots of people who can share a little bit of your story.  Shame lives in secrecy.  The best way to free yourself of shame or pain is to shed light on it rather than hide it.  Unloading everything on one person can be too much.  But by having good friends, a partner, family, a support group, a therapist and/or therapy group, etc you can share appropriate parts with trustworthy people, eventually freeing yourself of the burden, while not overtaxing one person.  

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too. – Brene Brown, TED Talk (linked above)

Doing what I do, I am exposed to the pain, shame, and trauma of lots of people.  And of course I’m human too and create plenty of my own!  I’m trained to work with these hazardous feelings and am better equipped than your average friend, but even I can’t hold that myself. And you too may have experienced more than your fair share of “yucky stuff,” so this tip can apply to you too. Over the years of doing therapy, I’ve assembled my own pain dispersal system.  I have my own therapist, a men’s group, mentor(s), a peer consultation group, and several good male and female friends, a great relationship with my romantic partner, and spiritual practices and rituals that I can share and disperse my own pain and “yucky stuff” with.   Due to confidentiality, I obviously can’t and don’t talk about other people’s details, but I certainly can talk about my own pain and how I am impacted by what I experience in my life.  Often that is a better way to connect anyhow.  People don’t always need to know the details, and often can’t even relate to your specific experience, but everyone can connect and empathize with the feelings you have.  Get to the point, get real, and connect on your shared emotional human experience.  And assemble a your own personal tribe of people so each person can handle a little bit, and nobody gets overburdened, especially the people closest to you.

When you don’t own your story, your story owns you.  When you own your story, you are free to edit and re-author it any way you choose.  When you don’t own your story, it controls your feelings and behaviors, often perpetuating the shame and pain. When you own your guilt, shame, or pain and spread it intentionally, it doesn’t harm you or anyone else.  In fact, sometimes it can be a gift to teach others from your experience.  But when you hold it, deny it, or repress it, it rots and overburdens you.  It gets worse and will get spread unconsciously and possibly cause more harm to you and others in your life.  With great circle of trustworthy people you can be real and vulnerable with, you can unburden yourself, without burdening others to free yourself up to write the next chapter of your life with more joy and ease.  Spread it! Carefully and intentionally.

 

Bonus Videos on the Topic:

Here’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) expert Jon Kabat Zin speaking about this topic and to use mindfulness with these feelings.

And for a lighter more humorous look, here’s comedian Kyle Cease.

 

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.